WAS BEING WASTED ON A LOT OF REPTILES. WHAT IS TIME TO A BIG LIZARD, AFTER ALL? H AVE YOU SEEN THOSE PROCRASTINATORS THE MONKS USE? W ONDERFUL THINGS . T HEY CAN MOVE TIME, STORE IT, STRETCH IT…QUITE INGENIOUS. AS FOR W HEN THIS HAPPENED, THE QUESTION ALSO MAKES NO SENSE. WHEN THE BOTTLE IS BROKEN, DOES IT MATTERWHERE THE GLASS WAS HIT? T HE SHARDS OF THE EVENT ITSELF NO LONGER EXIST IN THIS REBUILT HISTORY, IN ANY CASE.
“Hold on, hold on…how can you take a piece of, oh, some old century, and stitch it into a modern one? Wouldn’t people notice that…” Susan flailed a bit, “oh, that people have got the wrong armor and the buildings are all wrong, and they’re still in the middle of wars that happened centuries ago?”
I N MY EXPERIENCE , S USAN, WITHIN THEIR HEADS TOO MANY HUMANS SPEND A LOT OF TIME IN THE MIDDLE OF WARS THAT HAPPENED CENTURIES AGO.
“Very insightful, but what I meant was—”
Y OU MUST NOT CONFUSE THE CONTENT WITH THE CONTAINER. Death sighed. Y OU ARE MOSTLY HUMAN . Y OU NEED A METAPHOR . A N OBJECT LESSON IS CLEARLY IN ORDER . C OME.
He stood up and stalked into the dining room across the hall. There were still a few late lunchers frozen in their work, napkins tucked under their chin, in an atmosphere of happy carbohydrates.
Death walked up to a table that had been set for dinner, and gripped a corner of the tablecloth.
T IME IS THE CLOTH, HE SAID . T HE CUTLERY AND PLATES ARE THE EVENTS THAT TAKE PLACE WITHIN TIME—
There was a drum roll. Susan glanced down. The Death of Rats was seated in front of a tiny drum kit.
O BSERVE.
Death pulled the cloth away. There was a rattle of cutlery and a moment of uncertainty regarding a vase of flowers, but almost all the tableware remained in place.
“I see,” said Susan.
T HE TABLE REMAINS SET, BUT THE CLOTH CAN NOW BE USED FOR ANOTHER MEAL.
“However, you knocked the salt over,” said Susan.
T HE TECHNIQUE IS NOT PERFECT.
“And there are stains on the cloth from the previous meal, Grandfather.”
Death beamed. Y ES, he said. A S METAPHORS GO IT IS RATHER GOOD, DON’T YOU THINK?
“People would notice!”
R EALLY? H UMANS ARE THE MOST UNOBSERVANT CREATURES IN THE UNIVERSE. O H, THERE ARE LOTS OF ANOMALIES, OF COURSE, A CERTAIN AMOUNT OF SPILLED SALT, BUT HISTORIANS EXPLAIN THEM AWAY. T HEY ARE SO VERY USEFUL IN THAT RESPECT.
There was something called The Rules, Susan knew. They weren’t written down, in the same way that mountains weren’t written down. They were far more fundamental to the operation of the universe than mere mechanical things like gravity. The Auditors might hate the untidiness caused by the emergence of life, but The Rules did not allow them to do anything about it. The ascent of mankind must have been a boon to them. At last there was a species that could be persuaded to shoot itself in the foot.
“I don’t know what you expect me to do about it,” she said.
E VERYTHING THAT YOU CAN , said Death. I, BY CUSTOM AND PRACTICE, HAVE OTHER DUTIES AT THIS TIME.
“Such as?”
I MPORTANT MATTERS.
“That you can’t tell me about?”
T HAT I DO NOT INTEND TO TELL YOU ABOUT. BUT THEY ARE IMPORTANT . I N ANY CASE, YOUR INSIGHT IS VALUABLE . Y OU HAVE WAYS OF THINKING THAT WILL BE USEFUL . Y OU CAN GO WHERE I CANNOT . I HAVE ONLY SEEN THE FUTURE . B UT YOU CAN CHANGE IT.
“Where is this clock being rebuilt?”
I CANNOT TELL . I HAVE DONE WELL TO DEDUCE WHAT I HAVE . T HE ISSUE IS CLOUDED FROM ME.
“Why?”
B ECAUSE THINGS HAVE BEEN HIDDEN. S OMEONE IS INVOLVED…WHO IS NOT SUBJECT TO ME. Death looked awkward.
“An immortal?”
S OMEONE SUBJECT TO…SOMEONE ELSE.
“You’re going to have to be a lot clearer than that.”
S USAN…YOU KNOW THAT I ADOPTED AND RAISED YOUR MOTHER, AND FOUND A SUITABLE HUSBAND FOR HER—
“Yes, yes,” snapped Susan. “How could I forget? I look in my mirror every day.”
T HIS IS…DIFFICULT FOR ME . T HE TRUTH IS , I WAS NOT THE ONLY ONE TO INVOLVE MYSELF LIKE
“Hold on, hold on…how can you take a piece of, oh, some old century, and stitch it into a modern one? Wouldn’t people notice that…” Susan flailed a bit, “oh, that people have got the wrong armor and the buildings are all wrong, and they’re still in the middle of wars that happened centuries ago?”
I N MY EXPERIENCE , S USAN, WITHIN THEIR HEADS TOO MANY HUMANS SPEND A LOT OF TIME IN THE MIDDLE OF WARS THAT HAPPENED CENTURIES AGO.
“Very insightful, but what I meant was—”
Y OU MUST NOT CONFUSE THE CONTENT WITH THE CONTAINER. Death sighed. Y OU ARE MOSTLY HUMAN . Y OU NEED A METAPHOR . A N OBJECT LESSON IS CLEARLY IN ORDER . C OME.
He stood up and stalked into the dining room across the hall. There were still a few late lunchers frozen in their work, napkins tucked under their chin, in an atmosphere of happy carbohydrates.
Death walked up to a table that had been set for dinner, and gripped a corner of the tablecloth.
T IME IS THE CLOTH, HE SAID . T HE CUTLERY AND PLATES ARE THE EVENTS THAT TAKE PLACE WITHIN TIME—
There was a drum roll. Susan glanced down. The Death of Rats was seated in front of a tiny drum kit.
O BSERVE.
Death pulled the cloth away. There was a rattle of cutlery and a moment of uncertainty regarding a vase of flowers, but almost all the tableware remained in place.
“I see,” said Susan.
T HE TABLE REMAINS SET, BUT THE CLOTH CAN NOW BE USED FOR ANOTHER MEAL.
“However, you knocked the salt over,” said Susan.
T HE TECHNIQUE IS NOT PERFECT.
“And there are stains on the cloth from the previous meal, Grandfather.”
Death beamed. Y ES, he said. A S METAPHORS GO IT IS RATHER GOOD, DON’T YOU THINK?
“People would notice!”
R EALLY? H UMANS ARE THE MOST UNOBSERVANT CREATURES IN THE UNIVERSE. O H, THERE ARE LOTS OF ANOMALIES, OF COURSE, A CERTAIN AMOUNT OF SPILLED SALT, BUT HISTORIANS EXPLAIN THEM AWAY. T HEY ARE SO VERY USEFUL IN THAT RESPECT.
There was something called The Rules, Susan knew. They weren’t written down, in the same way that mountains weren’t written down. They were far more fundamental to the operation of the universe than mere mechanical things like gravity. The Auditors might hate the untidiness caused by the emergence of life, but The Rules did not allow them to do anything about it. The ascent of mankind must have been a boon to them. At last there was a species that could be persuaded to shoot itself in the foot.
“I don’t know what you expect me to do about it,” she said.
E VERYTHING THAT YOU CAN , said Death. I, BY CUSTOM AND PRACTICE, HAVE OTHER DUTIES AT THIS TIME.
“Such as?”
I MPORTANT MATTERS.
“That you can’t tell me about?”
T HAT I DO NOT INTEND TO TELL YOU ABOUT. BUT THEY ARE IMPORTANT . I N ANY CASE, YOUR INSIGHT IS VALUABLE . Y OU HAVE WAYS OF THINKING THAT WILL BE USEFUL . Y OU CAN GO WHERE I CANNOT . I HAVE ONLY SEEN THE FUTURE . B UT YOU CAN CHANGE IT.
“Where is this clock being rebuilt?”
I CANNOT TELL . I HAVE DONE WELL TO DEDUCE WHAT I HAVE . T HE ISSUE IS CLOUDED FROM ME.
“Why?”
B ECAUSE THINGS HAVE BEEN HIDDEN. S OMEONE IS INVOLVED…WHO IS NOT SUBJECT TO ME. Death looked awkward.
“An immortal?”
S OMEONE SUBJECT TO…SOMEONE ELSE.
“You’re going to have to be a lot clearer than that.”
S USAN…YOU KNOW THAT I ADOPTED AND RAISED YOUR MOTHER, AND FOUND A SUITABLE HUSBAND FOR HER—
“Yes, yes,” snapped Susan. “How could I forget? I look in my mirror every day.”
T HIS IS…DIFFICULT FOR ME . T HE TRUTH IS , I WAS NOT THE ONLY ONE TO INVOLVE MYSELF LIKE
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