include the stuff thatwas cut out, including my dental visit. Only instead of just slapping the segment onto the end of the show, Howard and I added a running play-by-play of my procedure. Basically it was the equivalent of the bonus commentary on a DVD, a decade before anyone was doing that.
Honestly, it’s pretty gross to watch. I’m not sure how either of us made it through the analysis. In fact, while I’m sitting in the chair, I look into the camera and say, “You have no idea how disgusting this is going to get.”
First there was a shot of Dr. Randolph sticking a needle several inches long into my gums, right above my two front teeth. Then he took a drill and sliced open my caps, a straight line down the middle. “There goes twelve hundred dollars’ worth of caps,” I said on the tape.
“Oh man, oh man!” Howard was screaming.
It was actually an excruciating experience all around. There was a camera inches from my mouth as Dr. Randolph took a pair of dental pliers and started tugging and pulling on my caps, jimmying them back and forth as if each one was a wedding ring that was on too tight. First you see the cap, which is split in two, moving my gum line and then all of a sudden, crack, it comes loose. What’s beneath it is a yellow tooth that looks as small as a baby’s because it had been shaved the very first time I had caps put in.
“Hey look,” Howard said in the voice-over. “It’s Eddie Munster.”
After that, Randolph took a tiny drill the size of a pin and started creating a space at my gumline so the new cap could slide in easily. Blood was squirting out, making my already yellow, shaved teeth look even more discolored and grotesque.
“Look how green your teeth are there,” Howard said.
“That’s how bad they used to be,” I said.
“You look like Linda Blair in
The Exorcist.”
Then there was a shot of the nurse, grimacing. Even she couldn’t believe it.
Pretty soon all four of my caps were off, revealing a bleeding, oozing mess of a mouth. Between my jagged, misshapen teeth were spaces as wide as Alfred E. Neuman’s.
“Ugh, I can’t believe we are asking people to pay $24.95 for this,” Howard exclaimed.
“I look like Michael Spinks,” I said.
Toward the end of the procedure Howard said into the camera, “Okay, give them the money shot.”
I smiled wide and showed off my brand-new teeth. They were better than ever. It had been worth the pain, physical and otherwise.
I RODE MY BIKE all over town when I was growing up. To Uniondale Park, to a friend’s house. I had an itch to just hop on and go somewhere all the time. It used to drive me nuts sitting on that park bench, talking about what we were going to do all day. We’d start at ten in the morning and twelve hours later, we’d smoked, gotten yelled at, annoyed each other, and hit each other, but we hadn’t actually gone anywhere. Even worse, I couldn’t really drink or smoke as much as the other kids because my mom was like the Gestapo.
Whenever I came home—from anywhere—she’d grab me by both sides of my face and tilt my head down so she could give me a big kiss on the top of my head. While she was telling me how happy she was to see me and how much she’d missed me, because it had been nearly a whole day since I’d seen her, she’d take a big whiff to see if she could smell smoke or alcohol.I hated that. But she did it with all of her kids. I blame Anthony.
Once he went to the Felt Forum, the theater next to Madison Square Garden, to see the Doors. He smoked a lot of pot that night and came home at around two in the morning. Everyone was asleep, but he was still seeing things. So he popped open his bedroom window and lit up another joint. Suddenly my mom jumped out of the closet and yelled, “Aha! I caught you!” Sadly, Anthony realized he wasn’t tripping. He was slammed back into real life with our mom.
I would get antsy hanging around the park every day, not drinking that much, barely
Honestly, it’s pretty gross to watch. I’m not sure how either of us made it through the analysis. In fact, while I’m sitting in the chair, I look into the camera and say, “You have no idea how disgusting this is going to get.”
First there was a shot of Dr. Randolph sticking a needle several inches long into my gums, right above my two front teeth. Then he took a drill and sliced open my caps, a straight line down the middle. “There goes twelve hundred dollars’ worth of caps,” I said on the tape.
“Oh man, oh man!” Howard was screaming.
It was actually an excruciating experience all around. There was a camera inches from my mouth as Dr. Randolph took a pair of dental pliers and started tugging and pulling on my caps, jimmying them back and forth as if each one was a wedding ring that was on too tight. First you see the cap, which is split in two, moving my gum line and then all of a sudden, crack, it comes loose. What’s beneath it is a yellow tooth that looks as small as a baby’s because it had been shaved the very first time I had caps put in.
“Hey look,” Howard said in the voice-over. “It’s Eddie Munster.”
After that, Randolph took a tiny drill the size of a pin and started creating a space at my gumline so the new cap could slide in easily. Blood was squirting out, making my already yellow, shaved teeth look even more discolored and grotesque.
“Look how green your teeth are there,” Howard said.
“That’s how bad they used to be,” I said.
“You look like Linda Blair in
The Exorcist.”
Then there was a shot of the nurse, grimacing. Even she couldn’t believe it.
Pretty soon all four of my caps were off, revealing a bleeding, oozing mess of a mouth. Between my jagged, misshapen teeth were spaces as wide as Alfred E. Neuman’s.
“Ugh, I can’t believe we are asking people to pay $24.95 for this,” Howard exclaimed.
“I look like Michael Spinks,” I said.
Toward the end of the procedure Howard said into the camera, “Okay, give them the money shot.”
I smiled wide and showed off my brand-new teeth. They were better than ever. It had been worth the pain, physical and otherwise.
I RODE MY BIKE all over town when I was growing up. To Uniondale Park, to a friend’s house. I had an itch to just hop on and go somewhere all the time. It used to drive me nuts sitting on that park bench, talking about what we were going to do all day. We’d start at ten in the morning and twelve hours later, we’d smoked, gotten yelled at, annoyed each other, and hit each other, but we hadn’t actually gone anywhere. Even worse, I couldn’t really drink or smoke as much as the other kids because my mom was like the Gestapo.
Whenever I came home—from anywhere—she’d grab me by both sides of my face and tilt my head down so she could give me a big kiss on the top of my head. While she was telling me how happy she was to see me and how much she’d missed me, because it had been nearly a whole day since I’d seen her, she’d take a big whiff to see if she could smell smoke or alcohol.I hated that. But she did it with all of her kids. I blame Anthony.
Once he went to the Felt Forum, the theater next to Madison Square Garden, to see the Doors. He smoked a lot of pot that night and came home at around two in the morning. Everyone was asleep, but he was still seeing things. So he popped open his bedroom window and lit up another joint. Suddenly my mom jumped out of the closet and yelled, “Aha! I caught you!” Sadly, Anthony realized he wasn’t tripping. He was slammed back into real life with our mom.
I would get antsy hanging around the park every day, not drinking that much, barely
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