firmly imprinted in my memory. I had sat with crying parents and been shown photo album after photo album, yet I couldn’t remember a day when I had shared a couch with my own family and had done the same. The people I lived for didn’t even know of my existence and I hadn’t acknowledged that of the people who lived for me.
I could see up ahead where the trees ended. The stillness of the woods was dissipating and instead there was lots of movement, noise, and color. So many people. I stopped walking with the group and shakily held out my hand to hold on to the trunk of a pine.
“Sandy, are you OK?” Bernard asked, stopping beside me.
The group stopped walking and turned to look at me. I couldn’t even smile. I couldn’t pretend everything was OK. The master of lying was caught in a web of lies I’d weaved myself. Helena pushed her way from the front of the group and rushed over to me.
“Go ahead, all of you. We’ll meet you later on.” She dismissed them, and when they didn’t move: “Go on!” Slowly they turned round and reluctantly left the shade for the light.
“Sandy.” Helena softly placed her hand on my shoulder. “You’re trembling.” She put her arm around my shoulders and held me to her. “It’s OK, you’ve nothing to fear here. It’s perfectly safe.”
It wasn’t the safety of the place my body shook for. It was the fact that I had never felt as if I belonged anywhere. I had spent my life detaching myself from anyone who wanted to be close, dissociating myself from friends and lovers because they never answered my questions, nor tolerated or understood my searches. They made me feel like I was wrong and, without them knowing it, maybe even a little crazy, but I had a passion to just find . Finding this place was just one big answer to a life-long question that had caused me to sacrifice everything. I’d hurt so many people who loved me in order to help those whom I couldn’t see, and now as I was just about to see them I was afraid to let them in, too. I used to think that I was a saint, just like Jenny-May Butler on the nine-o’clock news; I thought I was Mother Teresa with a missing-persons file, making sacrifices to help others. In reality I’d sacrificed nothing. My behavior suited me and only me.
The people in this place were the people I had clung to. When I grabbed my bag by the door of my family home in Leitrim it was for these people. When I ended relationships and turned down invitations to nights out it was for these people.
But now that I’d found them, I had no idea what to do.
18
H elena and I stepped out of the darkness of the shaded woods and entered a world of color. I held my breath at the sight before me. It was as though grand red curtains had parted to welcome a production on such a scale I could barely focus on one thing for long enough. What welcomed my eyes was an entire bustling village of nations gathering. Some people were walking alone, others gathering in twos, threes, groups, and in crowds. Sights of traditional costumes, sounds of combined languages, scents of cuisines from all over the world. It was rich and alive, bursting at the seams with color and sound as though we’d followed the path of a pulse to reach the heart of the woods. And there it pumped, people flowing here, there, and everywhere.
Sophisticated wooden buildings lined the street with doors and windows decorated with ornate carvings. Each building was constructed from a different timber, the varying shades and grains camouflaging the village so that it and the woods were combined and almost one. Solar panels lined the roofs, and the hundreds of roofs extending into the distance. All around were wind turbines, up to one hundred feet tall, with blades going around and around in the blue skies, their dark shadows circling on rooftops and roadways. The village was nestled among the trees, among mountains, among wind machines. Before me, hundreds of people, dressed in traditional
I could see up ahead where the trees ended. The stillness of the woods was dissipating and instead there was lots of movement, noise, and color. So many people. I stopped walking with the group and shakily held out my hand to hold on to the trunk of a pine.
“Sandy, are you OK?” Bernard asked, stopping beside me.
The group stopped walking and turned to look at me. I couldn’t even smile. I couldn’t pretend everything was OK. The master of lying was caught in a web of lies I’d weaved myself. Helena pushed her way from the front of the group and rushed over to me.
“Go ahead, all of you. We’ll meet you later on.” She dismissed them, and when they didn’t move: “Go on!” Slowly they turned round and reluctantly left the shade for the light.
“Sandy.” Helena softly placed her hand on my shoulder. “You’re trembling.” She put her arm around my shoulders and held me to her. “It’s OK, you’ve nothing to fear here. It’s perfectly safe.”
It wasn’t the safety of the place my body shook for. It was the fact that I had never felt as if I belonged anywhere. I had spent my life detaching myself from anyone who wanted to be close, dissociating myself from friends and lovers because they never answered my questions, nor tolerated or understood my searches. They made me feel like I was wrong and, without them knowing it, maybe even a little crazy, but I had a passion to just find . Finding this place was just one big answer to a life-long question that had caused me to sacrifice everything. I’d hurt so many people who loved me in order to help those whom I couldn’t see, and now as I was just about to see them I was afraid to let them in, too. I used to think that I was a saint, just like Jenny-May Butler on the nine-o’clock news; I thought I was Mother Teresa with a missing-persons file, making sacrifices to help others. In reality I’d sacrificed nothing. My behavior suited me and only me.
The people in this place were the people I had clung to. When I grabbed my bag by the door of my family home in Leitrim it was for these people. When I ended relationships and turned down invitations to nights out it was for these people.
But now that I’d found them, I had no idea what to do.
18
H elena and I stepped out of the darkness of the shaded woods and entered a world of color. I held my breath at the sight before me. It was as though grand red curtains had parted to welcome a production on such a scale I could barely focus on one thing for long enough. What welcomed my eyes was an entire bustling village of nations gathering. Some people were walking alone, others gathering in twos, threes, groups, and in crowds. Sights of traditional costumes, sounds of combined languages, scents of cuisines from all over the world. It was rich and alive, bursting at the seams with color and sound as though we’d followed the path of a pulse to reach the heart of the woods. And there it pumped, people flowing here, there, and everywhere.
Sophisticated wooden buildings lined the street with doors and windows decorated with ornate carvings. Each building was constructed from a different timber, the varying shades and grains camouflaging the village so that it and the woods were combined and almost one. Solar panels lined the roofs, and the hundreds of roofs extending into the distance. All around were wind turbines, up to one hundred feet tall, with blades going around and around in the blue skies, their dark shadows circling on rooftops and roadways. The village was nestled among the trees, among mountains, among wind machines. Before me, hundreds of people, dressed in traditional
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