The Year I Went Pear-Shaped by Tamara Pitelen

the psychedelic images playing on the walls. In the four corners of the room were fake Greek columns, on top of which were cages and in each cage, two virtually naked male and female dancers were throwing themselves around to the music with orgiastic abandon, stopping just short of actual penetrative sex.
    "Crikey," I said, nudging Gordon and pointing at the dancers, "it's just gone 8.30pm. What are they going to be doing by midnight?"
    "I don't know, I'm usually in bed with my liquorice root tea long before then."
    Just then, Anita and Ian came up to join us.
    "Bloody hell," said Anita, "it's wall-to-wall eye-candy and I'm already onto my second mango daiquiri! I thought you said these things were boring Darl, this is the best fucking party I've been to in years! Oooh look! There's that guy off that police drama, Blue Shoes or whatever, and there's that chick who used to be on Beauty and the Beast, do you remember her? She once chucked this almighty tanty and stormed off the set. And there's Bruno Mars! I didn't know he was in town right now..."
    Anita head was whirling round so fast, steam was coming out of her ears.
    "Anita, are you going to start hyperventilating soon? Just let me know when to slap you. You're getting horribly close to a bad case of starfuckeritis. It's an ugly disease Honey, before you know it, you'll be in a cubicle in the men’s discussing Star Wars characters and sexual positions with some vaguely familiar drummer from a band you saw on TV last weekend."
    "Aww be nice to me Darl, I don't get to see famous people this close up very often. I'm excited, let me enjoy it. You might find it all terribly dull and be oh-so-unimpressed but for me it's a total blast. What more could you want? Free food, free alcohol and I'm rubbing shoulders with all the people that normally live in my telly. Hell, I might even drag a game show host home tonight!"
    "That's right Love, aim high. Just promise you won't bring anyone back whose ratings have been lagging lately, ok?"
    "Yes Mum. Now, I'm off to hunt down one of those men in the skimpy togas wandering around with trays of oysters then I might see if I can start up a conversation with the red headed guy from Killing Heidi, I've always quite fancied him."
    "Good luck darling!" I cried.
    And she was off, cutting a swathe through the crowd like a golden shark.
    I turned back to find Gordon talking to the newsreader who arrived in the limo. She was hanging onto his arm while throwing her head back and laughing at something hilarious that he was saying. With cheekbones like carving knives, it was a wonder that she didn't slit her own fingers open when she rubbed her face.
    "Darla!" said Gordon stepping back to let me join them. "This is my old friend Sonya, we met at a drama school party years ago after Sonya ended up in a corner pashing my old flatmate, a wicked lad called Justin...Sonya, this is Darla, we were at school together."
    Sonya smiled the kind of smile that made me feel special and held out her hand. "It's great to meet you Darla, do you have all sorts of humiliating stories to tell me about Gordy’s school days?"
    Dammit, she was thin, beautiful, intelligent and nice. Curses!
    “Oh, the stories I could tell about this lad would burn your ears off Sonya, but don't worry, I plan to write a tell-all biography about him so every sordid detail will be revealed.”
    Gordon flushed pink and Sonya laughed again.
    “The scary thing is Son,” said Gordon, “she really does have some bloody embarrassing dirt on me!”
    “Well, good! Because you've been too damn squeaky clean for too long. You need a good scandal to erupt. It'd be great to see the dark side of Dr Ramswell dragged out into the open. God knows, I’ve witnessed some of your murkier moments over the years. Not to mention the long line of broken hearts you’ve left in your wake! Thank God I'm just married and finally safe from him Darla," she said, turning to me with another stunning smile - what is it