without
the
complications.
He stood up and ran his hand over his tense, stress ridden face. “Now I know
how
you
feel.”
“What’s
that
mean?”
“I mean,” he said, putting both of his hands on my shoulders, “relationships take
commitment and sacrifice. I don’t know that you’re in this one hundred percent. It
shouldn’t matter where either of us lives. If we love each other, we can get through
it as long as we meet each other half way.” He let go of me and rubbed the back
of
his
neck
and
then
squeezed
it.
“I’m in this as much as you are, Jesse. It’s just have you thought about this? How
can we keep this going when our lives are headed in two different directions?” I
was so afraid to ask that question because I knew neither of us knew the answer.
“I
don’t
know
how
it
will
work,”
I
murmured.
“I don’t know but you need to figure it out, Finn. If you can’t handle what’s involved
with separation, then I don’t know if you’re willing to commit.” He moved closer to
me and touched the top of my hand and then pointed to himself. “I am, Finn. I’m
so in love with you, I know what I want. But I don’t know if you do.” The way he
looked at me, so despondent, it killed me to see him like that. “I’m gonna go now,”
he said and walked out the door without even saying goodbye.
I didn’t get up. I didn’t move. I didn’t run after him. I just let him go. I wanted to
run after him, to tell him I was in love with him, but I didn’t. I just let him leave.
Chapter 8
I didn’t sleep well for the next few nights. How could I? I kept replaying the
conversation in my head over and over again. Was it over between us? How did
I let it happen? Why didn’t tell him I was wrong, that I could deal with long distance
dating? But it would have been a lie. A bold-faced lie. I didn’t know how to deal–
with
any
of
it.
I checked my phone and re-read the one text message sent to me at three o’clock
in the morning from over three days ago. “Finn, I need time to think. I’ll call you
when I’m ready to talk.” That was all he wrote. I was going crazy. We used to talk
everyday. I knew something was seriously wrong. The look on his face when he
left
the
other
night
said
it
all.
I pathetically looked at my phone again for the billionth time. No matter how many
times I checked it, there wasn’t another text or call from him. I don’t know why I
tortured myself that way. I lay in bed for what felt like the longest time. I’d had a
long day at the diner and with the lack of sleep I’d gotten, standing on my feet all
day wore me out. I thought working would get my mind off things, but it didn’t. It
made it worse. Every time I looked in the kitchen, I thought of Jesse. I didn’t tell
Meg or Hannah what had happened between Jesse and me because I wasn’t
even
sure
what
had
happened.
Their voices carried upstairs to my room, interrupting my meditative state. It was
him. He had come! A surge of energy came over me and I sprang up out of bed
and ran to the bathroom, looking into the mirror, checking my appearance. Ugh.
Hideous.
I combed my hair and pulled it into a pony tail. I splashed cold water on my face
and checked my reflection again. Pale. There wasn’t much I could do to help that.
I pinched my cheeks. They turned red for a second and then went back to their
natural state: whiter than white. I walked into my bedroom and rummaged through
my dresser drawer pulling out a teal green long sleeved shirt and dark denim
jeans. I tore off my spaghetti stained sweat shirt and ugly sweat pants and put
the shirt and jeans on. My dad’s sweater was draped around my chair. I snatched
it and put it on over the shirt. I was all set with one exception - the pink fuzzy
socks that covered my feet. Not a good look. I grabbed my brown furry boots and
put them on over the socks. Just as I was about to walk out of my
the
complications.
He stood up and ran his hand over his tense, stress ridden face. “Now I know
how
you
feel.”
“What’s
that
mean?”
“I mean,” he said, putting both of his hands on my shoulders, “relationships take
commitment and sacrifice. I don’t know that you’re in this one hundred percent. It
shouldn’t matter where either of us lives. If we love each other, we can get through
it as long as we meet each other half way.” He let go of me and rubbed the back
of
his
neck
and
then
squeezed
it.
“I’m in this as much as you are, Jesse. It’s just have you thought about this? How
can we keep this going when our lives are headed in two different directions?” I
was so afraid to ask that question because I knew neither of us knew the answer.
“I
don’t
know
how
it
will
work,”
I
murmured.
“I don’t know but you need to figure it out, Finn. If you can’t handle what’s involved
with separation, then I don’t know if you’re willing to commit.” He moved closer to
me and touched the top of my hand and then pointed to himself. “I am, Finn. I’m
so in love with you, I know what I want. But I don’t know if you do.” The way he
looked at me, so despondent, it killed me to see him like that. “I’m gonna go now,”
he said and walked out the door without even saying goodbye.
I didn’t get up. I didn’t move. I didn’t run after him. I just let him go. I wanted to
run after him, to tell him I was in love with him, but I didn’t. I just let him leave.
Chapter 8
I didn’t sleep well for the next few nights. How could I? I kept replaying the
conversation in my head over and over again. Was it over between us? How did
I let it happen? Why didn’t tell him I was wrong, that I could deal with long distance
dating? But it would have been a lie. A bold-faced lie. I didn’t know how to deal–
with
any
of
it.
I checked my phone and re-read the one text message sent to me at three o’clock
in the morning from over three days ago. “Finn, I need time to think. I’ll call you
when I’m ready to talk.” That was all he wrote. I was going crazy. We used to talk
everyday. I knew something was seriously wrong. The look on his face when he
left
the
other
night
said
it
all.
I pathetically looked at my phone again for the billionth time. No matter how many
times I checked it, there wasn’t another text or call from him. I don’t know why I
tortured myself that way. I lay in bed for what felt like the longest time. I’d had a
long day at the diner and with the lack of sleep I’d gotten, standing on my feet all
day wore me out. I thought working would get my mind off things, but it didn’t. It
made it worse. Every time I looked in the kitchen, I thought of Jesse. I didn’t tell
Meg or Hannah what had happened between Jesse and me because I wasn’t
even
sure
what
had
happened.
Their voices carried upstairs to my room, interrupting my meditative state. It was
him. He had come! A surge of energy came over me and I sprang up out of bed
and ran to the bathroom, looking into the mirror, checking my appearance. Ugh.
Hideous.
I combed my hair and pulled it into a pony tail. I splashed cold water on my face
and checked my reflection again. Pale. There wasn’t much I could do to help that.
I pinched my cheeks. They turned red for a second and then went back to their
natural state: whiter than white. I walked into my bedroom and rummaged through
my dresser drawer pulling out a teal green long sleeved shirt and dark denim
jeans. I tore off my spaghetti stained sweat shirt and ugly sweat pants and put
the shirt and jeans on. My dad’s sweater was draped around my chair. I snatched
it and put it on over the shirt. I was all set with one exception - the pink fuzzy
socks that covered my feet. Not a good look. I grabbed my brown furry boots and
put them on over the socks. Just as I was about to walk out of my
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