The World's Loudest Armpit Fart by Steve Hartley

Dirty Do-ings in Burly Bottoms!
    By Reginald Heap, Chief News Reporter

    An illegal Yorkshire cheese caused uproar last weekend at the finish of the Penleydale Junior Uphill Cheese-rolling Race.
    For the 143rd year running, competitors pushed their regulation circular thirty centimetre Waxy Penleydale Cheeses along the traditional ten-kilometre course. The route took them up Boggart’s Nose, across Miggin’s Mop and over Hangman’s Hump, before finally dropping down into Burly Bottoms.
    With the finishing line in sight, the temperature hit a Penleydale record of 33.7°C. The lead cheese, being rolled by new-boy Maradona ‘The Cheeseboy’ Potts, disintegrated and melted, and roller after roller was sent tumbling on the greasy liquid cheese.
    Ollie ‘The Drainpipe’ Snodgrass, age 11, of Hogton, kept his head – and his feet – and rolled his cheese over the pile of fallen competitors to win. Local boy Danny ‘Record Breaker’ Baker, who won last year’s race in record time, broke a small bone in his foot, but hobbled on to finish in seventh place.
    Judge Harry Clegg explained, ‘The Waxy Penleydale is highly resistant to extreme temperatures, and would never melt like Maradona’s cheese did. Closer inspection of the offending fromage confirmed that it was an illegal Grimsdyke Crumbly, disguised to look like a Waxy Penleydale. The Grimsdyke is lighter than the Penleydale, so it’s easier to push uphill.’
    Maradona Potts, now renamed ‘The Cheatboy’, was disqualified, and banned from competing in the race For Ever (+ ten years).

    Result:
    1st: Ollie ‘The Drainpipe’ Snodgrass
    2nd: Trixibelle ‘Bossyboots’ Wolstenholme
    3rd: Kristian ‘The Bookworm’ Renshaw
    4th: Jack ‘The Teabag’ Spratt
    5th: Samantha ‘Tufty’ Tompkins
    6th: Matthew ‘The Calculator’ Mason
    7th: Danny ‘Record Breaker’ Baker
    8th: Ryan ‘The Zombie’ Wilkins
    9th: Steve ‘Snotbucket’ Snitterton
    10th: Carly ‘Jam Butty’ Benson
    Retired hurt: Tommy ‘Spiffy’ Spofforth, Lucy ‘Nose-picker’ Knowles, Billy ‘The Big Toe’ Bowling
    Disqualified: Maradona ‘The Cheatboy’ Potts

To the Keeper of the Records
    The Great Big Book of World Records
    London

    Dear Mr Bibby

    I’ve got a plaster cast up to my knee because I hurt my foot when I slipped on a cheese. I’m going to miss the start of the new football season, and my doctor said I’ll be out for four weeks. My Grandad Nobby says I’m lucky it’s only four weeks. When he slipped on the Rotting Chowhabunga seed-pod, he was out for four decades!

    The doctor counted all the times I’ve needed treatment because of my record attempts, including:

    My unwashed 207-spot bottom
    My dangerously stinky feet
    My walking-backwards-Wonderfluff-nappy-box-on-the-head incident
    My boffin-baffling gobbledegook
    My hospital-food-fuelled mighty trump
    And my whistling, budgie-costumed, up-a-tree Spanish cramp.

    When the doctor added these to all the other times I’ve been with coughs, injections, infections and stuff, I’ve had to see a doctor seventy-nine times. She said that must be a record. I think she was probably joking with me, but is it a record?

    Best wishes
    Danny Baker

    PS I only need to get through one more match without anyone scoring against me, to break the record for Most Consecutive Games without Conceding a Goal. Keep your fingers crossed!

    Dear Danny

    Yes, I’m afraid the doctor was joking with you. The record for Highest Number of Separate Incidents Requiring Medical Treatment belongs to Elmer Boggs of Picatinny, New Jersey, USA.

    During his lifetime, Elmer broke every bone in his body at least once, including the small bones in both ears. He pulled every muscle, and tore every tendon. Elmer was stung by jellyfish, bees, wasps and a scorpion, and was bitten by 185 different kinds of animal, including a cow, a squirrel, a bushbaby, a shark, a tortoise and a ladybird. He also had 2,469 separate diseases and made a total of 23,423 visits to