is cowardice, a lack of self-awareness. I
did not raise a coward, I raised a hero." He slaps my shoulders.
"Be that hero, Max. Get help, get healthy, and get back to being
you, to being a father and a husband."
"Dad, I-"
"Get help, Max. Just talk with someone."
"I don't-"
"You can handle anything, but with two sets of hands, you can lift
twice the weight. Talk with someone, and get healthy. Please."
I stare at him, moments ticking away, his eyes fixed to mine,
needing an answer. I finally, slowly, nod, agreeing to speak with
someone. He smiles, pats my shoulders, and grabs his coffee.
Not another word is spoken...
"I missed you yesterday," says Sarah.
I feel ill...
Brutally hungry, weak...
Weaker even than usual.
"You don't look so good tonight."
I don't feel so good.
"And you're sweating."
Am I?
"And very warm," suddenly very close to me.
Is she feeling my forehead?
"Go to sleep," I hear my mother say, her hand on my forehead.
"You're sick, you need rest."
"But mom, I don't want to sleep! I'm not tired!"
"You need to sleep, Max. It's the only way you can get better. You
want to get better, don't you?"
"No," and she smiles...
"I'll get you a wet cloth," Sarah says.
And I hear sheets ruffling.
"Did you miss me last night?"
Were you not here last night?
I can't differentiate between nights, even more so recently, my mind
seemingly slipping with each day that I slide closer to death.
Jesus, I hurt...
"You know, I wonder if we would really get along if you were
awake. I don't really know that much about you. I know that you're
married and have a son and that you've been here for a little over
six years."
Six years?
Such a great time wasted...
"That's a long time."
Certainly is...
"But I don't
really
know you. I wonder what you were like,
what kind of man you were."
I hope I was a good man, mostly.
"I do know that you were in the war."
That I was.
"I wonder what that was like."
You do?
It was war! How do you think it was?
"If only I was able to really talk with you."
What would we talk about?
"I told Michael about you. He laughed. He said it sounds just like
me to fall in love with a man who is brain dead. And married. He
asked to see you."
Fall in love?
"I wish I could bring him in here, but I don't think they would
let him in."
Did you say you were in
love
with me?
"And if I snuck him in, I'm sure I'd get fired."
How can you be in love with me?
"Although that might not be so bad."
You don't even know me, Sarah!
"I'm so sick of this job. You're the only reason I come back these
days. Working at night sucks, and I don't really like working around
sick people."
She laughs.
"Listen to me," she mumbles.
You really need to find someone, someone who is unmarried and is
able to talk and walk and take you out to dinner and treat you
well...
"Maybe it'll help me to get away."
I think it would.
"But what am I going to do? A nursing degree is really only useful
to a nurse. And what good is a nurse that doesn't like being around
sick people?"
Did you always want to be a nurse?
"I should have changed my major. I wanted to. I was going to study
journalism. I wanted to travel, see the world, report on injustice
and violence and try to bring it to an end, to help people. I even
talked to an advisor about switching majors, but he told me not to."
Why would he do that?
"He said there was no money in journalism and that I should stick
to nursing. He said there was always a demand for nurses and that I'd
always have work."
Your
counselor
said that?
"And I guess he was right. What good is taking on all that college
debt if you can't make good money."
That's absurd!
Life should
not
be all about how to get the most money! What
a waste that would be! What good is money if you're not happy? I
understand a need to make a living, to be able to afford food,
shelter, a little fun, but all of it is meaningless without giving
your life the peace you need.
Happiness should be priority number
did not raise a coward, I raised a hero." He slaps my shoulders.
"Be that hero, Max. Get help, get healthy, and get back to being
you, to being a father and a husband."
"Dad, I-"
"Get help, Max. Just talk with someone."
"I don't-"
"You can handle anything, but with two sets of hands, you can lift
twice the weight. Talk with someone, and get healthy. Please."
I stare at him, moments ticking away, his eyes fixed to mine,
needing an answer. I finally, slowly, nod, agreeing to speak with
someone. He smiles, pats my shoulders, and grabs his coffee.
Not another word is spoken...
"I missed you yesterday," says Sarah.
I feel ill...
Brutally hungry, weak...
Weaker even than usual.
"You don't look so good tonight."
I don't feel so good.
"And you're sweating."
Am I?
"And very warm," suddenly very close to me.
Is she feeling my forehead?
"Go to sleep," I hear my mother say, her hand on my forehead.
"You're sick, you need rest."
"But mom, I don't want to sleep! I'm not tired!"
"You need to sleep, Max. It's the only way you can get better. You
want to get better, don't you?"
"No," and she smiles...
"I'll get you a wet cloth," Sarah says.
And I hear sheets ruffling.
"Did you miss me last night?"
Were you not here last night?
I can't differentiate between nights, even more so recently, my mind
seemingly slipping with each day that I slide closer to death.
Jesus, I hurt...
"You know, I wonder if we would really get along if you were
awake. I don't really know that much about you. I know that you're
married and have a son and that you've been here for a little over
six years."
Six years?
Such a great time wasted...
"That's a long time."
Certainly is...
"But I don't
really
know you. I wonder what you were like,
what kind of man you were."
I hope I was a good man, mostly.
"I do know that you were in the war."
That I was.
"I wonder what that was like."
You do?
It was war! How do you think it was?
"If only I was able to really talk with you."
What would we talk about?
"I told Michael about you. He laughed. He said it sounds just like
me to fall in love with a man who is brain dead. And married. He
asked to see you."
Fall in love?
"I wish I could bring him in here, but I don't think they would
let him in."
Did you say you were in
love
with me?
"And if I snuck him in, I'm sure I'd get fired."
How can you be in love with me?
"Although that might not be so bad."
You don't even know me, Sarah!
"I'm so sick of this job. You're the only reason I come back these
days. Working at night sucks, and I don't really like working around
sick people."
She laughs.
"Listen to me," she mumbles.
You really need to find someone, someone who is unmarried and is
able to talk and walk and take you out to dinner and treat you
well...
"Maybe it'll help me to get away."
I think it would.
"But what am I going to do? A nursing degree is really only useful
to a nurse. And what good is a nurse that doesn't like being around
sick people?"
Did you always want to be a nurse?
"I should have changed my major. I wanted to. I was going to study
journalism. I wanted to travel, see the world, report on injustice
and violence and try to bring it to an end, to help people. I even
talked to an advisor about switching majors, but he told me not to."
Why would he do that?
"He said there was no money in journalism and that I should stick
to nursing. He said there was always a demand for nurses and that I'd
always have work."
Your
counselor
said that?
"And I guess he was right. What good is taking on all that college
debt if you can't make good money."
That's absurd!
Life should
not
be all about how to get the most money! What
a waste that would be! What good is money if you're not happy? I
understand a need to make a living, to be able to afford food,
shelter, a little fun, but all of it is meaningless without giving
your life the peace you need.
Happiness should be priority number
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