The Vicar of Wakefield by Oliver Goldsmith

drawn in the same manner. As
we did not immediately recollect an historical subject to hit us,
we were contented each with being drawn as independent historical
figures. My wife desired to be represented as Venus, and the
painter was desired not to be too frugal of his diamonds in her
stomacher and hair. Her two little ones were to be as Cupids by her
side, while I, in my gown and band, was to present her with my
books on the Whistonian controversy. Olivia would be drawn as an
Amazon, sitting upon a bank of flowers, drest in a green joseph,
richly laced with gold, and a whip in her hand. Sophia was to be a
shepherdess, with as many sheep as the painter could put in for
nothing; and Moses was to be drest out with an hat and white
feather. Our taste so much pleased the 'Squire, that he insisted on
being put in as one of the family in the character of Alexander the
great, at Olivia's feet. This was considered by us all as an
indication of his desire to be introduced into the family, nor
could we refuse his request. The painter was therefore set to work,
and as he wrought with assiduity and expedition, in less than four
days the whole was compleated. The piece was large, and it must be
owned he did not spare his colours; for which my wife gave him
great encomiums. We were all perfectly satisfied with his
performance; but an unfortunate circumstance had not occurred till
the picture was finished, which now struck us with dismay. It was
so very large that we had no place in the house to fix it. How we
all came to disregard so material a point is inconceivable; but
certain it is, we had been all greatly remiss. The picture,
therefore, instead of gratifying our vanity, as we hoped, leaned,
in a most mortifying manner, against the kitchen wall, where the
canvas was stretched and painted, much too large to be got through
any of the doors, and the jest of all our neighhours. One compared
it to Robinson Crusoe's long-boat, too large to be removed; another
thought it more resembled a reel in a bottle; some wondered how it
could be got out, but still more were amazed how it ever got
in.
    But though it excited the ridicule of some, it effectually
raised more malicious suggestions in many. The 'Squire's portrait
being found united with ours, was an honour too great to escape
envy. Scandalous whispers began to circulate at our expence, and
our tranquility was continually disturbed by persons who came as
friends to tell us what was said of us by enemies. These reports we
always resented with becoming spirit; but scandal ever improves by
opposition.
    We once again therefore entered into a consultation upon
obviating the malice of our enemies, and at last came to a
resolution which had too much cunning to give me entire
satisfaction. It was this: as our principal object was to discover
the honour of Mr Thornhill's addresses, my wife undertook to sound
him, by pretending to ask his advice in the choice of an husband
for her eldest daughter. If this was not found sufficient to induce
him to a declaration, it was then resolved to terrify him with a
rival. To this last step, however, I would by no means give my
consent, till Olivia gave me the most solemn assurances that she
would marry the person provided to rival him upon this occasion, if
he did not prevent it, by taking her himself. Such was the scheme
laid, which though I did not strenuously oppose, I did not entirely
approve.
    The next time, therefore, that Mr Thornhill came to see us, my
girls took care to be out of the way, in order to give their mamma
an opportunity of putting her scheme in execution; but they only
retired to the next room, from whence they could over-hear the
whole conversation: My wife artfully introduced it, by observing,
that one of the Miss Flamboroughs was like to have a very good
match of it in Mr Spanker. To this the 'Squire assenting, she
proceeded to remark, that they who had warm fortunes were always
sure of getting good husbands: 'But heaven help,' continued