through
the headphones again. “Wait, don’t go,” said LEP. “Don’t forget to plant the
Tenalp flag and claim...”
But jixX merely unplugged the
army surplus headphones and the army surplus microphone and tried to stuff them
back into the compartments from whence they had come. Then he pushed all the
assorted aerials back into the communicator and tried to make the dial reading
‘OVERLOAD’ go back down to zero. After a while he gave up and went over to the
other two.
It proved a bad moment to
arrive as fluX was all hand gestures, crazy bulging eyes and earnestness as he
described his latest remarkable discovery.
“Listen to zis,” he was
saying animatedly. “Take ze vord ‘GOD’. Using my zeory of Quantum Semantics ve
can calculate its vord number. And vot do ve get?”
sylX gave a polite little
shrug but then her eyes reached imploringly to jixX for some means of escape.
“Vell, it is not difficult,”
continued the behavioural chemist. “G is seven, O is fifteen, and D is four.
Zat’s zeir alphabetical positions. Zo, ve add ze numbers togezzer and ve get
zat ze vord-number for GOD is 26. Tventy six! Ze same as ze number of letters
in ze alphabet!! Is zat not remarkable?” He looked at the others to check that
they appreciated how remarkable this was. “Huh, you may say,” he went on. “Zat
is just coincidence. But vait. Zere is more. Take ze vord DEVIL. Calculate its
vord-number and you get 52. Vich is exactly tvice ze number of letters
in ze alphabet!!! Zat is no longer coincidence, my friends. Zat is a
significant discovery. It is telling us zat GOD is Number One in ze Universe
and ze DEVIL is Number Two. See? And it is also pointing to ze alphabet – to ze
wery letters from vich our language is composed!”
jixX glanced across at sylX,
and sylX glanced back at jixX. Both were wondering when Chris was coming back.
“And now furzer proof,” fluX
was saying. “Zese aliens speak English! Zese slimy green blobs, as unlike us humans
as you can get, vich have evolved outside of our Universe, speak our language!
Again, zat cannot be pure coincidence. Ze odds against it are astronomical. So,
just sink of ze philosophical implications! Zere can only be one explanation.”
He looked at them, waiting
for their cries of astonishment and enlightenment. As none were forthcoming he
threw his eyes heavenwards. “Ze English language is God-given!” he almost
shouted. “Not just to us, but to zese aliens too, and possibly to all ozzer
alien species around ze Universe. Even on Earth and Tenalp ze English language
is coming to dominate all others. It is ze language of business, ze language of
Science.”
“Um, surely,” said jixX with
a frown, “there could be another explanation for the Mamms speaking English.”
“Such as?” asked the
behavioural chemist almost aggressively.
jixX shrugged. “Perhaps
they’ve visited Earth or Tenalp. Or have some kind of universal translator.
Like ALI, the Alien Language Interpreter, only not so rubbish.”
fluX scoffed explosively as
though it was the most ridiculous suggestion he had ever heard. “Slimy green
blobs? Travelling in spaceships? Universal translators?” he burst out
mockingly. “Do me a favour! Zat’s just science fiction nonsense, zat is!”
*
Emergency deep-space survival
module No 3 was the nearest of the four, so anaX decided that would be the one
to use. She walked across the echoing boat-hangar and climbed the steps leading
to the module’s hatch door. Once inside, she made her way directly to the main
control room.
She flicked a few switches
and pressed a few buttons on the control panel and the survival module gently
awoke, its headlamps shining brightly into the boat-hangar and its drive tubes
humming quietly. anaX knelt on the floor and removed an inspection panel.
Working steadily she started unplugging and re-plugging the mass of wires
attached to the principal programming board. Within minutes she had
reprogrammed the
the headphones again. “Wait, don’t go,” said LEP. “Don’t forget to plant the
Tenalp flag and claim...”
But jixX merely unplugged the
army surplus headphones and the army surplus microphone and tried to stuff them
back into the compartments from whence they had come. Then he pushed all the
assorted aerials back into the communicator and tried to make the dial reading
‘OVERLOAD’ go back down to zero. After a while he gave up and went over to the
other two.
It proved a bad moment to
arrive as fluX was all hand gestures, crazy bulging eyes and earnestness as he
described his latest remarkable discovery.
“Listen to zis,” he was
saying animatedly. “Take ze vord ‘GOD’. Using my zeory of Quantum Semantics ve
can calculate its vord number. And vot do ve get?”
sylX gave a polite little
shrug but then her eyes reached imploringly to jixX for some means of escape.
“Vell, it is not difficult,”
continued the behavioural chemist. “G is seven, O is fifteen, and D is four.
Zat’s zeir alphabetical positions. Zo, ve add ze numbers togezzer and ve get
zat ze vord-number for GOD is 26. Tventy six! Ze same as ze number of letters
in ze alphabet!! Is zat not remarkable?” He looked at the others to check that
they appreciated how remarkable this was. “Huh, you may say,” he went on. “Zat
is just coincidence. But vait. Zere is more. Take ze vord DEVIL. Calculate its
vord-number and you get 52. Vich is exactly tvice ze number of letters
in ze alphabet!!! Zat is no longer coincidence, my friends. Zat is a
significant discovery. It is telling us zat GOD is Number One in ze Universe
and ze DEVIL is Number Two. See? And it is also pointing to ze alphabet – to ze
wery letters from vich our language is composed!”
jixX glanced across at sylX,
and sylX glanced back at jixX. Both were wondering when Chris was coming back.
“And now furzer proof,” fluX
was saying. “Zese aliens speak English! Zese slimy green blobs, as unlike us humans
as you can get, vich have evolved outside of our Universe, speak our language!
Again, zat cannot be pure coincidence. Ze odds against it are astronomical. So,
just sink of ze philosophical implications! Zere can only be one explanation.”
He looked at them, waiting
for their cries of astonishment and enlightenment. As none were forthcoming he
threw his eyes heavenwards. “Ze English language is God-given!” he almost
shouted. “Not just to us, but to zese aliens too, and possibly to all ozzer
alien species around ze Universe. Even on Earth and Tenalp ze English language
is coming to dominate all others. It is ze language of business, ze language of
Science.”
“Um, surely,” said jixX with
a frown, “there could be another explanation for the Mamms speaking English.”
“Such as?” asked the
behavioural chemist almost aggressively.
jixX shrugged. “Perhaps
they’ve visited Earth or Tenalp. Or have some kind of universal translator.
Like ALI, the Alien Language Interpreter, only not so rubbish.”
fluX scoffed explosively as
though it was the most ridiculous suggestion he had ever heard. “Slimy green
blobs? Travelling in spaceships? Universal translators?” he burst out
mockingly. “Do me a favour! Zat’s just science fiction nonsense, zat is!”
*
Emergency deep-space survival
module No 3 was the nearest of the four, so anaX decided that would be the one
to use. She walked across the echoing boat-hangar and climbed the steps leading
to the module’s hatch door. Once inside, she made her way directly to the main
control room.
She flicked a few switches
and pressed a few buttons on the control panel and the survival module gently
awoke, its headlamps shining brightly into the boat-hangar and its drive tubes
humming quietly. anaX knelt on the floor and removed an inspection panel.
Working steadily she started unplugging and re-plugging the mass of wires
attached to the principal programming board. Within minutes she had
reprogrammed the
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