eggs rubber up and go hard.
“I just think, you know,” she said calmly, and waited a moment. “I mean, I just kick around in here.” She looked at him.She still had on her yellow parka, her hair tied back. “I thought you’d ease up. I thought it was because of the war, but that’s not right, is it?”
He slid the eggs onto his plate, carried the plate to the table, and set it down. “I could’ve told you that,” he said.
“Why didn’t you?” She smiled at him in wonderment.
“It didn’t occur to me, I guess,” he said.
“I don’t know what you expect me to do,” she said.
“Nothing,” he said. “Anything.” He began to eat his eggs.
“But can you please just tell me what it is you don’t like or do like. I feel by myself even when you
are
here anymore.”
He looked up at her across the table. “I don’t know what I can do about that,” he said. “You can be by yourself
with
me.”
“And is that good enough for you?” she said.
“I guess so,” he said.
“But what?”
“But nothing.” He put his fork down and wiped his mouth.
“Is that all?” she said.
“I’m alone most of the time,” he said.
She smiled at him. “Does that make you feel powerful? That’s what the Indians think. They think it protects them. Except you don’t need protecting, do you, Harry?”
“Everybody needs protecting,” he said.
“From what?”
“From everything they don’t know about.”
“But why do you want to call that being in love?” she said.
“I don’t know what else you call it.”
She stood up from the table. “We make a hell of a couple,” she said.
“Maybe I’m not a very nice person. You know?” He tried to catch her eye. “Maybe something ruined me.”
“I don’t know,” Rae said. “I don’t know what you are. But God knows I wouldn’t want to violate you.” She walked out of the room.
In the spring, Rae drove up to St. Ignace and came back with two registered Airedales she said she was going to breed because she’d always wanted a dog and now seemed like a good time. She hired a mason from town to lay a concrete slab twenty yards from the trailer. She had a chain-link fence built and a wood shelter put up and moved the dogs out of the basement where she had kept them and into the cage to wait for the female to come into heat while she read books about it.
In September, the female hadn’t come in, and Rae began sleeping late and driving nights up to Petoskey taking any kind of J.C. classes she could get. In October, he caught his first two months working days, but Rae wouldn’t come back from Petoskey sometimes until after two. The dogs would wake him up barking, and he could see the lights go on out in the enclosure, hear the gates clank, and hear her talking to the dogs in a sweet, coaxing voice. He would lie in the bed and sing a song, trying to stay awake until she came in, feeling like he missed her but that she was a long distance away, almost out of reach, so that when she came inside from the dogs he would always be asleep.
In late November, he went back working nights, and Rae began staying over in Petoskey, driving up on Tuesday and coming back Wednesday night, staying, she said, with a woman she met in her economic history class. They had stopped making love in the summer, after she got the dogs, and he had begun to feel as far back as then like he was running a skein out, but that he could stand it. He thought, sitting out in the frozen night in the Scout, drinking coffee and whisky out of a hot-flask and watching the empty ice huts speckling the bay in the winter moonlight, that the only dangerous lie to being in love was that it was permanent. And once you knew that, love didn’t make you miserable, and you were safe from falling off too deep. In the best world it was a losing proposition, but even that could be satisfactory if you didn’t insist on making up the loss, since you could erase yourself by mistake in the process. And he
“I just think, you know,” she said calmly, and waited a moment. “I mean, I just kick around in here.” She looked at him.She still had on her yellow parka, her hair tied back. “I thought you’d ease up. I thought it was because of the war, but that’s not right, is it?”
He slid the eggs onto his plate, carried the plate to the table, and set it down. “I could’ve told you that,” he said.
“Why didn’t you?” She smiled at him in wonderment.
“It didn’t occur to me, I guess,” he said.
“I don’t know what you expect me to do,” she said.
“Nothing,” he said. “Anything.” He began to eat his eggs.
“But can you please just tell me what it is you don’t like or do like. I feel by myself even when you
are
here anymore.”
He looked up at her across the table. “I don’t know what I can do about that,” he said. “You can be by yourself
with
me.”
“And is that good enough for you?” she said.
“I guess so,” he said.
“But what?”
“But nothing.” He put his fork down and wiped his mouth.
“Is that all?” she said.
“I’m alone most of the time,” he said.
She smiled at him. “Does that make you feel powerful? That’s what the Indians think. They think it protects them. Except you don’t need protecting, do you, Harry?”
“Everybody needs protecting,” he said.
“From what?”
“From everything they don’t know about.”
“But why do you want to call that being in love?” she said.
“I don’t know what else you call it.”
She stood up from the table. “We make a hell of a couple,” she said.
“Maybe I’m not a very nice person. You know?” He tried to catch her eye. “Maybe something ruined me.”
“I don’t know,” Rae said. “I don’t know what you are. But God knows I wouldn’t want to violate you.” She walked out of the room.
In the spring, Rae drove up to St. Ignace and came back with two registered Airedales she said she was going to breed because she’d always wanted a dog and now seemed like a good time. She hired a mason from town to lay a concrete slab twenty yards from the trailer. She had a chain-link fence built and a wood shelter put up and moved the dogs out of the basement where she had kept them and into the cage to wait for the female to come into heat while she read books about it.
In September, the female hadn’t come in, and Rae began sleeping late and driving nights up to Petoskey taking any kind of J.C. classes she could get. In October, he caught his first two months working days, but Rae wouldn’t come back from Petoskey sometimes until after two. The dogs would wake him up barking, and he could see the lights go on out in the enclosure, hear the gates clank, and hear her talking to the dogs in a sweet, coaxing voice. He would lie in the bed and sing a song, trying to stay awake until she came in, feeling like he missed her but that she was a long distance away, almost out of reach, so that when she came inside from the dogs he would always be asleep.
In late November, he went back working nights, and Rae began staying over in Petoskey, driving up on Tuesday and coming back Wednesday night, staying, she said, with a woman she met in her economic history class. They had stopped making love in the summer, after she got the dogs, and he had begun to feel as far back as then like he was running a skein out, but that he could stand it. He thought, sitting out in the frozen night in the Scout, drinking coffee and whisky out of a hot-flask and watching the empty ice huts speckling the bay in the winter moonlight, that the only dangerous lie to being in love was that it was permanent. And once you knew that, love didn’t make you miserable, and you were safe from falling off too deep. In the best world it was a losing proposition, but even that could be satisfactory if you didn’t insist on making up the loss, since you could erase yourself by mistake in the process. And he
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