plates sitting unmoved. Janie asked, “You wanna stay for dinner?”
He thought of his date with a handful of pills in the quiet dark of his apartment. Those inked fingers curling through the Town Car’s window. “Nah. I have to get back.”
The look of relief in Janie’s eyes about killed him.
“I’m sorry to hear about the investments,” Nate said.
Pete tensed a bit. “We’ll figure it out. You have enough to worry about. Don’t worry about this, too.”
Janie added quickly, “She’ll be fine in public school. We were.”
“Okay.” Nate wanted so badly to raise a hand to her cheek, to feel those lips one last time, but instead he tipped his head. “I just wanted … I just wanted to say good-bye.”
Pete said, “If there’s anything we can do…”
“You know what I like about you, Pete? You’re a decent guy. And you’ve never let the fact that we don’t get along mess anything up.” Nate lifted his eyes, indicating the thunderous silence emanating through the ceiling. “Take care of her. When … you know, I can’t.”
They shook hands, and Pete pulled him into a hug. Janie said, “Honey, I’ll just see him out,” and Pete said, “Of course.”
Janie walked Nate to the porch, and they stood there. Nate crouched and fussed with the loose goddamned brick. “There’s a mortar bag in the garage with a little left over.” When he stood, he saw that she had tears in her eyes again, and he said, “Janie.”
“I want to say something comforting, but I don’t know if it’s for me or you. So I’ll keep my mouth shut.”
Afraid of what his face might show, he looked at his waiting car. “C’mon. It’s not that bad. You still get to go to the opera next week with Pete the Fun Vacuum.”
“You’re a menace.”
“I want you to know,” he said, “there was never anyone else for me, Janie.”
Her lips trembled, and then she nodded once, turned, and hurried inside. He walked to his car. He had the keys in the lock when he heard from behind, “ Fuck you.”
He turned, and Cielle was standing there, her sweater sleeves pulled down over her fists, her face flushed. “I loved you so much. ” She spit it, like a curse. “I lit candles when you were away at war, and then, when you left us, I lit candles that you’d come back. ‘Dear God, please bring my daddy back to me safe.’ And even when you were with us, you were busy with your stupid job taking care of everyone else except for the people you were supposed to be taking care of.”
“Cielle—”
“You can’t have my sympathy. You can’t have it. You don’t. I don’t care if you’re dying.” Despite her best efforts, tears were leaking.
He stood there, still, his heart coming apart for her. More than anything he wanted to go to her, but he knew if he took so much as a step, she’d bolt like a deer.
“You can’t die yet,” she said. “You didn’t earn it. You left us, and now you get to die before I can get even.”
When he trusted his voice, he asked, “How were you gonna get even?”
“I was gonna have a great life and get married and be successful and keep your grandkids from you. But you’re dying and trying to make me feel … make me feel…” Her face wobbled all around. “Why’d you come tell us anyway?”
“I wanted to say good-bye to you. I wanted to have a chance to set things straight.”
“Why now, Nate ?” His proper name, like a projectile. “I mean, you found out months ago. And you’re not sick yet. I mean, you still have months left at least, right?”
The weight of his bones pulled at him. “It might be sooner than that, Cielle.”
She staggered a bit. Encased in her sleeves, her fists tightened. “Does Mom know that?”
He shook his head.
“Then why are you laying it on me?”
“It’s too late for me and your mother.”
She swiped at her cheeks angrily with her sleeve. “It’s too late for me and you, too.”
He watched her all the way up the walk, hoping
He thought of his date with a handful of pills in the quiet dark of his apartment. Those inked fingers curling through the Town Car’s window. “Nah. I have to get back.”
The look of relief in Janie’s eyes about killed him.
“I’m sorry to hear about the investments,” Nate said.
Pete tensed a bit. “We’ll figure it out. You have enough to worry about. Don’t worry about this, too.”
Janie added quickly, “She’ll be fine in public school. We were.”
“Okay.” Nate wanted so badly to raise a hand to her cheek, to feel those lips one last time, but instead he tipped his head. “I just wanted … I just wanted to say good-bye.”
Pete said, “If there’s anything we can do…”
“You know what I like about you, Pete? You’re a decent guy. And you’ve never let the fact that we don’t get along mess anything up.” Nate lifted his eyes, indicating the thunderous silence emanating through the ceiling. “Take care of her. When … you know, I can’t.”
They shook hands, and Pete pulled him into a hug. Janie said, “Honey, I’ll just see him out,” and Pete said, “Of course.”
Janie walked Nate to the porch, and they stood there. Nate crouched and fussed with the loose goddamned brick. “There’s a mortar bag in the garage with a little left over.” When he stood, he saw that she had tears in her eyes again, and he said, “Janie.”
“I want to say something comforting, but I don’t know if it’s for me or you. So I’ll keep my mouth shut.”
Afraid of what his face might show, he looked at his waiting car. “C’mon. It’s not that bad. You still get to go to the opera next week with Pete the Fun Vacuum.”
“You’re a menace.”
“I want you to know,” he said, “there was never anyone else for me, Janie.”
Her lips trembled, and then she nodded once, turned, and hurried inside. He walked to his car. He had the keys in the lock when he heard from behind, “ Fuck you.”
He turned, and Cielle was standing there, her sweater sleeves pulled down over her fists, her face flushed. “I loved you so much. ” She spit it, like a curse. “I lit candles when you were away at war, and then, when you left us, I lit candles that you’d come back. ‘Dear God, please bring my daddy back to me safe.’ And even when you were with us, you were busy with your stupid job taking care of everyone else except for the people you were supposed to be taking care of.”
“Cielle—”
“You can’t have my sympathy. You can’t have it. You don’t. I don’t care if you’re dying.” Despite her best efforts, tears were leaking.
He stood there, still, his heart coming apart for her. More than anything he wanted to go to her, but he knew if he took so much as a step, she’d bolt like a deer.
“You can’t die yet,” she said. “You didn’t earn it. You left us, and now you get to die before I can get even.”
When he trusted his voice, he asked, “How were you gonna get even?”
“I was gonna have a great life and get married and be successful and keep your grandkids from you. But you’re dying and trying to make me feel … make me feel…” Her face wobbled all around. “Why’d you come tell us anyway?”
“I wanted to say good-bye to you. I wanted to have a chance to set things straight.”
“Why now, Nate ?” His proper name, like a projectile. “I mean, you found out months ago. And you’re not sick yet. I mean, you still have months left at least, right?”
The weight of his bones pulled at him. “It might be sooner than that, Cielle.”
She staggered a bit. Encased in her sleeves, her fists tightened. “Does Mom know that?”
He shook his head.
“Then why are you laying it on me?”
“It’s too late for me and your mother.”
She swiped at her cheeks angrily with her sleeve. “It’s too late for me and you, too.”
He watched her all the way up the walk, hoping
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