Mom asked.
“You were serious about that?” Rae replied.
“Yes, you’ll be spending the night at David’s.”
“I don’t get it,” Rae replied.
“Just pack your bag or you’ll be late for school.”
“I won’t step foot out this door until everyone has their shirt on,” Rae said as she passed Dad on her way out of the office.
Our shirts were laid out on our desks. We didn’t argue, since there wasn’t any point. We all simply donned our FREE SCHMIDT! uniforms and continued the conversation.
“Somebody better start talking,” I said. “You need the house vacated for twenty-four hours why?”
“Once a week. Twenty-four hours. No one enters or exits,” Dad said.
“Well, we do,” my mom added, correcting him.
“You and Rae need to stay out,” Dad explained, explaining nothing.
“I’m still waiting for the details, please,” I said.
“One day, when we’re retired and the house is empty, we need to know that we can handle it,” Mom said.
“We’re doing a test run once a week,” said Dad.
“Huh?”
“Because if we can’t handle it, we need to be prepared,” Mom chimed in.
“Maybe get a dog or a foreign exchange student,” Dad suggested.
“I’m vetoing the foreign exchange student idea right now,” Mom said.
I tried to steer the conversation back to some semblance of rationality: “So, you’re just kicking us out so you can see what it’s like to be alone? Is that what I’m hearing?”
“In a nutshell,” Dad replied.
“Why don’t you take a freakin’ vacation like normal people?”
“Vacations are different,” my mom said.
“And we don’t actually like them so much,” Dad continued.
“We need to see what it’s like to be home alone together with no distractions,” said Mom.
“And face it,” Dad said. “You are all really distracting.”
Rae resurfaced with a more voluminous backpack.
“What did I miss?” she asked.
“Mom and Dad need some quality time together, so we have to vacate the house for twenty-four hours every Wednesday at eight A.M. until Thursday same time.”
“Why can’t you have quality time while I’m here?”
There was a brief pause, which filled Rae’s head with probably the wrong idea.
“ Oh my god. I’m going to be sick!” she shouted, and ran for the front door. “Izzy, drive me to school now!”
My father calmly bellowed to my sister, “It’s not what you think, Rae.”
A very loud “La la la la” was the only reply he got.
I gathered any work-related items I might need and said, “I’ll be taking wagers on which one of you snaps first. Send me a text message if you want in.”
In my car Rae took a few soothing breaths to clear her mind. Then she shivered and shook her head and made this noise that sounded like she was trying to cough up a hairball.
As I drove her to school, I fished for a few pieces of information. I hadn’t had time to go fishing in a while.
“How’s everything going with Maggie?”
“We’re killing ourselves on the Schmidt case. We could use some help.”
“I’m asking about Maggie as a person, not Maggie the lawyer.”
“The two are closely connected,” Rae replied.
“Listen, all I want to know is how things seem between Maggie and David.”
“Great, as far as I can tell. He drops by the office all the time. They have lunch a lot. He’s brought her flowers once or twice, and candy. I ate most of it, though. He went to that candy store off of Polk. Their licorice is really good. Not stale like you get at the movies or the drugstore.”
“Tell me about your boyfriend,” I asked.
“He’s an excellent driver,” Rae replied.
“Is that his best quality?” I asked.
Rae ignored my question and said, “His car is in the shop. You need to pick me up from school this afternoon.”
“Is there a bus strike that I don’t know about?”
“Izzy, please don’t make me threaten you. Just pick me up from school and everything will be cool.”
“When was the last
“You were serious about that?” Rae replied.
“Yes, you’ll be spending the night at David’s.”
“I don’t get it,” Rae replied.
“Just pack your bag or you’ll be late for school.”
“I won’t step foot out this door until everyone has their shirt on,” Rae said as she passed Dad on her way out of the office.
Our shirts were laid out on our desks. We didn’t argue, since there wasn’t any point. We all simply donned our FREE SCHMIDT! uniforms and continued the conversation.
“Somebody better start talking,” I said. “You need the house vacated for twenty-four hours why?”
“Once a week. Twenty-four hours. No one enters or exits,” Dad said.
“Well, we do,” my mom added, correcting him.
“You and Rae need to stay out,” Dad explained, explaining nothing.
“I’m still waiting for the details, please,” I said.
“One day, when we’re retired and the house is empty, we need to know that we can handle it,” Mom said.
“We’re doing a test run once a week,” said Dad.
“Huh?”
“Because if we can’t handle it, we need to be prepared,” Mom chimed in.
“Maybe get a dog or a foreign exchange student,” Dad suggested.
“I’m vetoing the foreign exchange student idea right now,” Mom said.
I tried to steer the conversation back to some semblance of rationality: “So, you’re just kicking us out so you can see what it’s like to be alone? Is that what I’m hearing?”
“In a nutshell,” Dad replied.
“Why don’t you take a freakin’ vacation like normal people?”
“Vacations are different,” my mom said.
“And we don’t actually like them so much,” Dad continued.
“We need to see what it’s like to be home alone together with no distractions,” said Mom.
“And face it,” Dad said. “You are all really distracting.”
Rae resurfaced with a more voluminous backpack.
“What did I miss?” she asked.
“Mom and Dad need some quality time together, so we have to vacate the house for twenty-four hours every Wednesday at eight A.M. until Thursday same time.”
“Why can’t you have quality time while I’m here?”
There was a brief pause, which filled Rae’s head with probably the wrong idea.
“ Oh my god. I’m going to be sick!” she shouted, and ran for the front door. “Izzy, drive me to school now!”
My father calmly bellowed to my sister, “It’s not what you think, Rae.”
A very loud “La la la la” was the only reply he got.
I gathered any work-related items I might need and said, “I’ll be taking wagers on which one of you snaps first. Send me a text message if you want in.”
In my car Rae took a few soothing breaths to clear her mind. Then she shivered and shook her head and made this noise that sounded like she was trying to cough up a hairball.
As I drove her to school, I fished for a few pieces of information. I hadn’t had time to go fishing in a while.
“How’s everything going with Maggie?”
“We’re killing ourselves on the Schmidt case. We could use some help.”
“I’m asking about Maggie as a person, not Maggie the lawyer.”
“The two are closely connected,” Rae replied.
“Listen, all I want to know is how things seem between Maggie and David.”
“Great, as far as I can tell. He drops by the office all the time. They have lunch a lot. He’s brought her flowers once or twice, and candy. I ate most of it, though. He went to that candy store off of Polk. Their licorice is really good. Not stale like you get at the movies or the drugstore.”
“Tell me about your boyfriend,” I asked.
“He’s an excellent driver,” Rae replied.
“Is that his best quality?” I asked.
Rae ignored my question and said, “His car is in the shop. You need to pick me up from school this afternoon.”
“Is there a bus strike that I don’t know about?”
“Izzy, please don’t make me threaten you. Just pick me up from school and everything will be cool.”
“When was the last
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