told me her thoughts so openly. This time, it was me who didn’t know what to say.
‘You have everything one could possibly want – and you’ve always had it,’ she continued. ‘You don’t need to worry about tomorrow like the rest of us do. You can sleep peacefully at night, knowing you’ll have many more tomorrows ahead of you – all happy, and you without a care in the world. But what about us? The ones who don’t have your easy life and money? All we do is wonder what tomorrow will bring. We worry even though we know that none of us can change it. You’re blessed not to have that life.’
Her words sank into me, hurting like the fragments of truth they were. They cut and stung, leaving untraceable marks on my skin.
‘I–I’m sorry, miss.’ Nellie’s voice was small. ‘I don’t know what came over me. I shouldn’t have spoken out of turn. Please don’t tell my master—’
‘No. I needed to hear that. But will you listen to what I have to say in return?’
She nodded, if a little tentatively.
‘I know it may not feel this way to you, but if you have everything one could possibly want and you never know the feeling of lacking, do you ever even notice that you have everything? And if you sleep peacefully every night, do you really know the meaning of the word “peaceful”?’ My eyes burned with unshed tears, but I didn’t want to cry in front of someone I barely knew. I strained my voice even more, because I knew I had to finish. ‘Isn’t the wonder of tomorrow ultimately what prods us along? Without it, won’t we drag our feet, knowing that there will never be an end?’ I looked at Nellie’s face to see tears appearing in her eyes.
I felt raw and naked, unprotected without something to cover me. My mind – my emotions – were all laid out in front of her. I was painfully exposed under her eyes, but although I was waiting for her to judge me, the words never came.
A knock at the door startled both of us. My eyes stared straight into Nellie’s panicked ones. Wordlessly, she wiped her eyes dry and turned to answer the door.
‘Sir.’
‘May I see Miss Beauford?’ The voice was Henley’s.
Nellie looked to me for an answer and I nodded my approval. Henley came in, leaving Nellie to slip out of the room and quietly shut the door behind her.
A minute passed, and neither of us moved. I sat motionless on my corner of the bed and he froze by the door. He placed his ear to it and after a few seconds of listening proceeded to my side.
‘You can never be too careful with servants,’ he muttered. ‘They never cease to gossip.’
‘I trust her,’ I said, thinking about the moment I’d just shared with her. ‘Will she be coming to the country with us?’
‘You want her there?’ he asked. ‘You do know there will be a handmaid already waiting for you, don’t you?’
‘But can I bring Nellie?’
Henley paused. ‘Why not? You can inform her of the new arrangement tonight.’
‘Thank you.’ I smiled.
Henley just shook his head, a small grin growing on his lips. ‘Most peculiar,’ I heard him murmur as he made to leave the room.
‘Didn’t you have a reason for coming to see me?’
‘Pardon?’
‘Did you have something to tell me?’
‘Oh, no, I was just checking that everything had arrived safely,’ he said as he backed out through the door, closing it as softly as Nellie had.
It suddenly felt odd to be alone in this room. Around Nellie I was Miss Beauford. Around Henley I was a familiar stranger. I wondered who I was to myself. Was I still in some way Cynthia, or was I Miss Rebecca Hatfield?
I took a deep breath and closed my eyes. I decided that I had to be in the present – wherever that was; and I had to be me – whoever that was. I couldn’t go back home or live someone else’s life. I was stuck here until I could get my hands on the painting, so I might as well make the best of it. I was acutely aware that the only other person in the world who knew
‘You have everything one could possibly want – and you’ve always had it,’ she continued. ‘You don’t need to worry about tomorrow like the rest of us do. You can sleep peacefully at night, knowing you’ll have many more tomorrows ahead of you – all happy, and you without a care in the world. But what about us? The ones who don’t have your easy life and money? All we do is wonder what tomorrow will bring. We worry even though we know that none of us can change it. You’re blessed not to have that life.’
Her words sank into me, hurting like the fragments of truth they were. They cut and stung, leaving untraceable marks on my skin.
‘I–I’m sorry, miss.’ Nellie’s voice was small. ‘I don’t know what came over me. I shouldn’t have spoken out of turn. Please don’t tell my master—’
‘No. I needed to hear that. But will you listen to what I have to say in return?’
She nodded, if a little tentatively.
‘I know it may not feel this way to you, but if you have everything one could possibly want and you never know the feeling of lacking, do you ever even notice that you have everything? And if you sleep peacefully every night, do you really know the meaning of the word “peaceful”?’ My eyes burned with unshed tears, but I didn’t want to cry in front of someone I barely knew. I strained my voice even more, because I knew I had to finish. ‘Isn’t the wonder of tomorrow ultimately what prods us along? Without it, won’t we drag our feet, knowing that there will never be an end?’ I looked at Nellie’s face to see tears appearing in her eyes.
I felt raw and naked, unprotected without something to cover me. My mind – my emotions – were all laid out in front of her. I was painfully exposed under her eyes, but although I was waiting for her to judge me, the words never came.
A knock at the door startled both of us. My eyes stared straight into Nellie’s panicked ones. Wordlessly, she wiped her eyes dry and turned to answer the door.
‘Sir.’
‘May I see Miss Beauford?’ The voice was Henley’s.
Nellie looked to me for an answer and I nodded my approval. Henley came in, leaving Nellie to slip out of the room and quietly shut the door behind her.
A minute passed, and neither of us moved. I sat motionless on my corner of the bed and he froze by the door. He placed his ear to it and after a few seconds of listening proceeded to my side.
‘You can never be too careful with servants,’ he muttered. ‘They never cease to gossip.’
‘I trust her,’ I said, thinking about the moment I’d just shared with her. ‘Will she be coming to the country with us?’
‘You want her there?’ he asked. ‘You do know there will be a handmaid already waiting for you, don’t you?’
‘But can I bring Nellie?’
Henley paused. ‘Why not? You can inform her of the new arrangement tonight.’
‘Thank you.’ I smiled.
Henley just shook his head, a small grin growing on his lips. ‘Most peculiar,’ I heard him murmur as he made to leave the room.
‘Didn’t you have a reason for coming to see me?’
‘Pardon?’
‘Did you have something to tell me?’
‘Oh, no, I was just checking that everything had arrived safely,’ he said as he backed out through the door, closing it as softly as Nellie had.
It suddenly felt odd to be alone in this room. Around Nellie I was Miss Beauford. Around Henley I was a familiar stranger. I wondered who I was to myself. Was I still in some way Cynthia, or was I Miss Rebecca Hatfield?
I took a deep breath and closed my eyes. I decided that I had to be in the present – wherever that was; and I had to be me – whoever that was. I couldn’t go back home or live someone else’s life. I was stuck here until I could get my hands on the painting, so I might as well make the best of it. I was acutely aware that the only other person in the world who knew
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