stay with me, flitting in and out of my dreams and reality until it, too, would be forgotten, as everything else eventually would – my name, my identity and that bold, striking blue that reminded me of how to live.
I closed the window in a move I wished to be swift, but still a breeze stole into the room. It was so sweet it made me feel alive; something I realized I hadn’t felt in a long time. I closed my eyes to take it in. Its hand reached out to touch mine … but then it vanished, for breezes are as fleeting as birds, life and blueness.
‘Miss, you must let me close the window for you next time.’
‘Very well,’ I told Nellie, but I asked her to draw the curtains shut. I didn’t want to see another bluebird, another reminder of what had been taken from me.
I sank onto a portion of the bed that wasn’t covered by boxes and hid my face. I wanted to block out the world around me but found that I couldn’t, however much I tried.
‘Miss, do you have any specific instructions regarding what to pack?’
‘I don’t really care—’ I saw the appalled look on Nellie’s face. ‘I trust your judgement is all I mean, Nellie. Please, just pack what you think is best.’
‘Very well, miss.’
The only sound in the room was faint rustling as Nellie packed in the corner. I couldn’t help but pay attention to the movement of her hands. They were so precise and sharp. No small movement was wasted. But every so often her hands paused and clasped each other, as if they somehow knew they couldn’t find the support they needed on their own. Those were the times when she glanced up at me. Our eyes would meet briefly, until she dropped her gaze. She looked like she wanted to say something, but, not finding the right words, she remained mute, and each time continued her work with a sense of renewed diligence.
‘What is it?’ I asked.
‘Nothing, miss,’ was her reply, and she didn’t even glance up while saying it.
‘If it’s really nothing, what’s that look you keep giving me?’
‘I’m sorry, miss, if I gave you a look. I wasn’t intending to.’ Her response was automatic, as if it had been drilled into her from when she was little. It held no emotion and was devoid of anything resembling life, but then she looked at me once more.
‘There it is again.’ My words sounded harsher than I’d intended and I apologized to her.
‘Please don’t apologize, miss.’
Seeing I’d put her in an uncomfortable position, I wanted to apologize again, but I held my tongue as that was the thing that had caused the problem in the first place.
‘You want to say something to me,’ I said. ‘Please just say it.’
‘Miss, I can assure you that you wouldn’t want to hear my thoughts—’
‘And that’s where you’re wrong. I do, but how can I if you won’t even voice them?’
‘It’s not my place to. My master—’
‘I won’t tell if you won’t.’ I was taken aback by what I’d just said. My voice was my mother’s; I sounded exactly like her. Those were the same words she always said to me when she gave me a cookie before dinner. ‘I won’t tell if you won’t.’ But I had to focus on where I was at that precise moment. ‘Please, just be honest with me.’
I could see Nellie giving in as she sighed. ‘Sorry, miss, I just don’t see any reason for you to be unhappy,’ she said.
‘What do you mean?’
‘I saw how you looked out through the window. It was as if you’d seen a secret the world keeps from us. Something we’re not meant to know – something so sad …’
I wondered how Nellie would react if she knew how close to the truth she was, how close she was to the secret the world keeps from its people, one that had changed my life for ever. But I knew I wouldn’t wish that knowledge on anyone.
‘Now please, miss, you be frank with me,’ she said. ‘What do you have to be unhappy about?’
I opened my mouth, but I couldn’t find it in myself to lie to her when she’d
I closed the window in a move I wished to be swift, but still a breeze stole into the room. It was so sweet it made me feel alive; something I realized I hadn’t felt in a long time. I closed my eyes to take it in. Its hand reached out to touch mine … but then it vanished, for breezes are as fleeting as birds, life and blueness.
‘Miss, you must let me close the window for you next time.’
‘Very well,’ I told Nellie, but I asked her to draw the curtains shut. I didn’t want to see another bluebird, another reminder of what had been taken from me.
I sank onto a portion of the bed that wasn’t covered by boxes and hid my face. I wanted to block out the world around me but found that I couldn’t, however much I tried.
‘Miss, do you have any specific instructions regarding what to pack?’
‘I don’t really care—’ I saw the appalled look on Nellie’s face. ‘I trust your judgement is all I mean, Nellie. Please, just pack what you think is best.’
‘Very well, miss.’
The only sound in the room was faint rustling as Nellie packed in the corner. I couldn’t help but pay attention to the movement of her hands. They were so precise and sharp. No small movement was wasted. But every so often her hands paused and clasped each other, as if they somehow knew they couldn’t find the support they needed on their own. Those were the times when she glanced up at me. Our eyes would meet briefly, until she dropped her gaze. She looked like she wanted to say something, but, not finding the right words, she remained mute, and each time continued her work with a sense of renewed diligence.
‘What is it?’ I asked.
‘Nothing, miss,’ was her reply, and she didn’t even glance up while saying it.
‘If it’s really nothing, what’s that look you keep giving me?’
‘I’m sorry, miss, if I gave you a look. I wasn’t intending to.’ Her response was automatic, as if it had been drilled into her from when she was little. It held no emotion and was devoid of anything resembling life, but then she looked at me once more.
‘There it is again.’ My words sounded harsher than I’d intended and I apologized to her.
‘Please don’t apologize, miss.’
Seeing I’d put her in an uncomfortable position, I wanted to apologize again, but I held my tongue as that was the thing that had caused the problem in the first place.
‘You want to say something to me,’ I said. ‘Please just say it.’
‘Miss, I can assure you that you wouldn’t want to hear my thoughts—’
‘And that’s where you’re wrong. I do, but how can I if you won’t even voice them?’
‘It’s not my place to. My master—’
‘I won’t tell if you won’t.’ I was taken aback by what I’d just said. My voice was my mother’s; I sounded exactly like her. Those were the same words she always said to me when she gave me a cookie before dinner. ‘I won’t tell if you won’t.’ But I had to focus on where I was at that precise moment. ‘Please, just be honest with me.’
I could see Nellie giving in as she sighed. ‘Sorry, miss, I just don’t see any reason for you to be unhappy,’ she said.
‘What do you mean?’
‘I saw how you looked out through the window. It was as if you’d seen a secret the world keeps from us. Something we’re not meant to know – something so sad …’
I wondered how Nellie would react if she knew how close to the truth she was, how close she was to the secret the world keeps from its people, one that had changed my life for ever. But I knew I wouldn’t wish that knowledge on anyone.
‘Now please, miss, you be frank with me,’ she said. ‘What do you have to be unhappy about?’
I opened my mouth, but I couldn’t find it in myself to lie to her when she’d
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