The Secret Lives of Hoarders: True Stories of Tackling Extreme Clutter by Matt Paxton, Phaedra Hise Page B

the hoarder’s life can prove invaluable in formulating a plan that works to the benefit of everyone.
▶ Living with a Hoarder
    The stakes are obviously high for people living with a hoarder. It’s difficult—and futile—to give an ultimatum, such as “If you don’t clean up, I’m leaving!” because someone who lives with a hoarder may have no other place to go. It’s also personally risky calling the authorities, because they might threaten to take away the home. But at the same time it’s impossible to escape the clutter.
    People who share a house with a hoarder live in a perpetual state of struggle: On one side is their love for the hoarder and their need to have a home. On the other is the awareness that this isn’t a healthy, or even safe, way to live. There are no easy answers to how to navigate this issue.
▶ The Hoarder Spouse
    Nika, the clothes hoarder, had a husband who was furious about her hoarding. She not only bought clothes for herself, but for him as well—to show that she cared. But all Andre wanted was a clean house and more quality time with his wife. He didn’t understand why she couldn’t just get her priorities straight: If she really loved him, she’d try to get her hoarding under control. Because Nika seemed to be choosing her clutter over Andre, he felt alienated. He also felt trapped by the piles of stuff in the house, which was so cluttered that they couldn’t even eat a meal together. The only space in the entire house large enough for the two of them to sit was on the bed.
    Anyone who is married to a hoarder will benefit from therapy, since this situation goes far beyond just living in a messy house. Not only will therapy help in coping with a very difficult living situation, but it sets an example that can encourage the hoarder to seek treatment also.
    At some point, the living conditions may just become intolerable. Then things really shift toward intervention, which is the action of last resort, because that’s when the hoarder’s spouse has to put himself or herself first. To maintain mental health and physical safety—and when all other courses have failed—the spouse may finally have to call the local zoning board or adult protective services. That’s the time to be absolutely open with the hoarder and declare that the situation has become impossible and that a change is inevitable. It’s not an empty ultimatum if the hoarder’s spouse plans to actually follow up.
    Imagining the worst-case scenario is scary: Authorities may condemn a house and forcibly remove the family. That is, however, one of the ugly realities of hoarding left unchecked. Just as with many other mental illnesses, hoarding can break families apart.
    But even this drastic action can be done with love—or rather, tough love. A mother of a child who is hooked on drugs realizes that at some point she has to stop bailing her child out. It’s the same with hoarding. Without appropriate action, a situation can turn into one of codependency or enabling. And sometimes the best course is a split. But it is important for both the spouse and anyone who is trying to initiate a cleanup to remember that the spouse didn’t break up the marriage; it was broken up by the hoarder’s unwillingness to try to change.
▶ Children of Hoarders
    Children who grow up in hoarder houses aren’t necessarily hoarders themselves. Beth was seventeen and so overwhelmed by her mother’s lifetime of hoarding that she finally called child social services herself to see what her options were. Beth was leaving for college the following year, but her sister and brother were only twelve and ten. Beth felt obligated to save her siblings and hadn’t been successful in her previous attempts to remedy the situation.
    Child Protective Services advised that under such extreme circumstances the minor children could be removed, but they could