echoed, wondering whether there was a method to the madness or if it was all a practical joke. ‘All right then, “February” I’ve said it. Let us in.’
The guard looked in at me neutrally.
‘I’m afraid there’s a new password now,’ he said, looking sympathetic.
It was some some of test. There must be some mad method behind it.
‘May I ask how you can change the password on a moment’s notice?’ I said. ‘How will people who know the old one now know the new one?’
The guard shook his head sympathetically.
‘A password isn’t something you know,’ he said. ‘It’s something you guess.’
‘Jesus Christ!’ muttered Honoria.
‘Nope,’ said the guard.
Honoria leaned across towards the guard.
‘We really have to get into Lukedom and speak to a few officials,’ she said with what I thought was remarkable composure. ‘It will only take an hour or two. Can’t you call someone who will let us in without our guessing a password?’
The guard shook his head.
‘The only way I can let you in is if you guess the password or pass the test,’ he said.
‘We’ll try the test,’ said Honoria impatiently. Then under her breath she whispered, ‘This is insane.’
‘Certainly,’ said the guard. Straightening, he leafed through the green book and finally settled on a page.
There are four questions,’ he said, and turned a page of his book as if checking for something. ‘First question,’ he went on. ‘What is the difference between order and chance?’
‘Order works and chance doesn’t,’ I shot back.
The guard peered in at Honoria. She was thinking hard.
‘Order is the work of divine law,’ she finally said. ‘And chance is the work of the devil.’
The guard checked his green book, scowling considerably and clucking to himself.
‘Well,’ he finally said. ‘I guess the foxy lady got that one,’ he announced, looking not too pleased, then frowned his official frown. ‘Second question: what is a human being?’
‘An asshole,’ I suggested.
After a pause Honoria echoed me: ‘An asshole,’ she said.
‘Hey, both right!!’ said the guard. ‘You’re doing good!’ He smiled down at his book. ‘Number three then: how can you tell when a man is really and truly being himself?’
‘When he has an erection,’ I said.
The guard nodded and peered in at Honoria.
‘When he or she is a child,’ said Honoria, looking as if she was getting into the quizzing game and even enjoying it.
The guard shook his head disappointedly. ‘I should have warned you that the last two questions are stinkers. “You can tell when a man is really and truly being himself when his self disappears.”’ The guard looked down doubtfully at Larry and Honoria. ‘A real bitch, huh?’
He went back to his book.
‘Last question, another stinker: “How many sides are there to a six-sided die?”’
‘Six,’ said Honoria.
‘Hold it!’ I shouted, suddenly remembering a riddle from high school. ‘Hold it! This baby is mine. I remember the answer from the ninth grade. A six-sided solid has
two
sides: an inside and an outside. Two! Two is the answer!’
‘Eight,’ said the guard. ‘Inside, outside and the other six sides.’
There was a rather profound and deadly silence.
‘OK, then,’ the guard went on, straightening. ‘The lady passes and the man fails. Welcome to Lukedom, Miss.’
‘Now, hold it,’ I said, managing against overwhelming odds to maintain my dignity. ‘This nonsense has gone far enough. I have to talk to some people in there and none of this Socratic gobbledegook is going to stop me.’
‘The lady can enter and you can’t,’ replied the guard indifferently.
‘Look, I have to see my father!’ I insisted. ‘I’ve just driven eight hundred miles! My father created this damn place!’
The guard frowned, then leaned down again to the window.
‘What are you talking about?’
Honoria answered him.
‘His father is Luke Rhinehart,’ she said. ‘The Dice
The guard looked in at me neutrally.
‘I’m afraid there’s a new password now,’ he said, looking sympathetic.
It was some some of test. There must be some mad method behind it.
‘May I ask how you can change the password on a moment’s notice?’ I said. ‘How will people who know the old one now know the new one?’
The guard shook his head sympathetically.
‘A password isn’t something you know,’ he said. ‘It’s something you guess.’
‘Jesus Christ!’ muttered Honoria.
‘Nope,’ said the guard.
Honoria leaned across towards the guard.
‘We really have to get into Lukedom and speak to a few officials,’ she said with what I thought was remarkable composure. ‘It will only take an hour or two. Can’t you call someone who will let us in without our guessing a password?’
The guard shook his head.
‘The only way I can let you in is if you guess the password or pass the test,’ he said.
‘We’ll try the test,’ said Honoria impatiently. Then under her breath she whispered, ‘This is insane.’
‘Certainly,’ said the guard. Straightening, he leafed through the green book and finally settled on a page.
There are four questions,’ he said, and turned a page of his book as if checking for something. ‘First question,’ he went on. ‘What is the difference between order and chance?’
‘Order works and chance doesn’t,’ I shot back.
The guard peered in at Honoria. She was thinking hard.
‘Order is the work of divine law,’ she finally said. ‘And chance is the work of the devil.’
The guard checked his green book, scowling considerably and clucking to himself.
‘Well,’ he finally said. ‘I guess the foxy lady got that one,’ he announced, looking not too pleased, then frowned his official frown. ‘Second question: what is a human being?’
‘An asshole,’ I suggested.
After a pause Honoria echoed me: ‘An asshole,’ she said.
‘Hey, both right!!’ said the guard. ‘You’re doing good!’ He smiled down at his book. ‘Number three then: how can you tell when a man is really and truly being himself?’
‘When he has an erection,’ I said.
The guard nodded and peered in at Honoria.
‘When he or she is a child,’ said Honoria, looking as if she was getting into the quizzing game and even enjoying it.
The guard shook his head disappointedly. ‘I should have warned you that the last two questions are stinkers. “You can tell when a man is really and truly being himself when his self disappears.”’ The guard looked down doubtfully at Larry and Honoria. ‘A real bitch, huh?’
He went back to his book.
‘Last question, another stinker: “How many sides are there to a six-sided die?”’
‘Six,’ said Honoria.
‘Hold it!’ I shouted, suddenly remembering a riddle from high school. ‘Hold it! This baby is mine. I remember the answer from the ninth grade. A six-sided solid has
two
sides: an inside and an outside. Two! Two is the answer!’
‘Eight,’ said the guard. ‘Inside, outside and the other six sides.’
There was a rather profound and deadly silence.
‘OK, then,’ the guard went on, straightening. ‘The lady passes and the man fails. Welcome to Lukedom, Miss.’
‘Now, hold it,’ I said, managing against overwhelming odds to maintain my dignity. ‘This nonsense has gone far enough. I have to talk to some people in there and none of this Socratic gobbledegook is going to stop me.’
‘The lady can enter and you can’t,’ replied the guard indifferently.
‘Look, I have to see my father!’ I insisted. ‘I’ve just driven eight hundred miles! My father created this damn place!’
The guard frowned, then leaned down again to the window.
‘What are you talking about?’
Honoria answered him.
‘His father is Luke Rhinehart,’ she said. ‘The Dice
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