The Reluctant Jesus: A Satirical Dark Comedy by Duncan Whitehead

why ever not?” He sounded a little upset. “It’s a great job.”
    “Because I am quite happy with my life as it is, thank you very much. For a start, I already have a great job. I am happy, and I don’t need this right now. Not now, not ever. I am sure it won’t be too difficult for you to find somebody else. Surely there is another virgin birth out there or at least someone whose parents just did it once. Is it really that important, this whole virgin thing? I know I am your son, and I know this is of course a family commitment, but couldn’t you maybe adopt? Why not adopt some super priest who knows karate or something? Surely there is a better candidate out there than me.” I hoped I didn’t sound too desperate.
    Walter stretched his claws on my sofa. He had never done that before, and I suspected it was God’s influence. I thought about smacking him on the head but reconsidered.
    “I would appreciate it if you would stop that. This sofa is new,” I said. Walter stopped clawing at the couch and returned to sit on his haunches. I inspected my furniture and saw the damage was minimal.
    “I am sorry,” said God. At first I thought he was going to apologize for scratching my sofa. “I am afraid the job is yours. There is no one else, and you are it. The one. El numero uno. Do you think there is another virgin-born child out there? You think I have a ready stock of virgins just hanging about, hoping they miraculously become pregnant? What, I need to place an advert? ‘Wanted, male, age 32, born to a virgin mother, prepared to save the world in the upcoming battle against evil. Long hours, some traveling, and excellent benefits. Training package provided. Come on, son, be realistic. Adopt? A super priest? Karate? I have to say, I’m a little disappointed in your attitude.”
    I could tell from his tone he was getting annoyed. I got the feeling not too many people said ‘no’ to God. I also got the feeling that I should not push him too far. I was sure he probably had a temper. I think I had read that somewhere. His voice was getting louder, and I noticed Walter staring at me. Usually, I always won our little staring competitions. In fact, I always won. But Walter’s gaze was not diverting. I felt even more unnerved. I broke away from Walter’s gaze.
    “You think I wanted it this way? You think this is how I planned it?” shouted God. “Did you not hear me when I told you about the couple from Wisconsin? They were ideal. It’s not my fault we are in this forsaken predicament. I cannot believe any son of mine would be so uncompromising. I would have thought you would have jumped at the chance. I really do not understand your reluctance.”
    God’s tone softened slightly, “Come on, Seth, be a sport; most people would jump at the chance of being the Messiah, and you know some people out there actually dream about things like this.”
    “I’m not most people,” I answered.
    “Please?” pleaded God.
    This was ridiculous. Not only did he want me to take the job, but he also wanted me to take the job at probably the worst possible time: at the beginning of the end of the world. I hadn’t read the Bible all the way through, and I was no expert, but I had seen the movies. Brimstone, fire, volcanoes, pestilence, plague, disease, famine, great special effects, maybe, but what a time to appear.
    “Listen,” said God, his tone hardening, “it’s not negotiable anyway. You are doing it, and that’s final. There is no one else; if you don’t do it, then I am afraid that you are going to let a whole lot of people down. Millions are relying on you. If you do not step up to the plate, then the forces of darkness will win the day, and that will really put a bad spin on the whole Universe. The consequences would be, well, unimaginable. I do not think you fully realize the implications of you doing nothing. I don’t remember it being as difficult as this last time.” Walter paced the living room, his tail