said, “Portsmouth is the arsehole of
the world.” I said to him, “Oh yes, and are you just passing through?”’
It took some of the crowd a moment or two to get that one, but when they did, they screamed and burst into applause. Jude, who’d heard the line many times before, reflected again on comedy
as the perfect examplar of recycling. No joke was too old to be pressed into service. Dusted down, freshened up with a topical reference, given extra punch by a four-letter word, and there was
still going to be someone out there who hadn’t heard it before. Anyway, for fans of comedy, originality is often less important than familiarity. Many school playgrounds have echoed to bad
impersonations and lines from The Goon Show , Monty Python , Blackadder , The Office or whatever the hit of the moment happened to be. And the people who buy all those
comedy CDs and DVDs clearly have a taste for endlessly rewatching their favourites.
So Jude wasn’t at all surprised when at one point in his set, Dan Poke did a riff on dogs that could have been delivered by any comedian of the past fifty years – and probably
longer. ‘I had a dog once,’ he began. ‘Not a complete dog, you understand. No, he’d been neutered. Oh, come on, I believe in calling a spayed a spayed. And I took my dog for
a walk in the woods – stopped between four trees. He was so confused he didn’t have a leg to stand on. But my dog liked walks – nothing he enjoyed better than going for a tramp in
the woods. Made all the tramps bloody furious, though.’
And so Dan Poke’s gig at the Crown and Anchor, Fethering, continued.
Chapter Twelve
‘Any time I can help out an old mate,’ said Dan Poke unctuously, thrusting out his hand to Ted through the back window of the limousine, ‘you know I’m
more than happy to.’
‘Help out?’ thought Carole, who was standing defensively close behind the landlord in the milling crowd. ‘Stitch up’, more like. She looked around for Jude, but
they’d got separated in the mass of sweating bodies.
Ted looked very uncomfortable as he took the proffered hand. ‘No, it’s been great, Dan. Can’t thank you enough. We’ll meet up again soon for a relaxed beer,
eh?’
The comedian detached his hand with a dismissive, ‘Sure, sure.’
‘Hard to get at you through all your panting fans.’ The new voice belonged to the tall man who was so infuriatingly familiar to Carole.
Dan Poke grinned. ‘Saw you in the audience, William, but didn’t get a chance to say anything.’ At least she now had a first name for him.
The man called William chuckled. ‘Having heard what you said about other people, I think I got off lightly.’ The line seemed so obviously a reference to Ted that the landlord looked
even more wretched.
‘Anyway, great show, as ever,’ the tall man continued, oozing automatic bonhomie. ‘I must be on my way, but we’ll be in touch. Eh?’ And he melted away towards his
pale blue BMW.
‘I’d better get moving too.’ Dan Poke leaned forward and tapped his driver on the shoulder. ‘Let’s get out of this shithole. And be careful you don’t run over
any screaming fans on the way out. That really would be bad publicity.’ He grinned his crooked grin back at Ted. ‘Almost as bad as everyone getting food poisoning.’ And the
limousine’s electric window moved upwards as the car glided gently away from the Crown and Anchor.
Ted Crisp couldn’t hold in his feelings any longer. ‘Bastard!’ he whispered on a long breath of pain. ‘Bastard!’
‘I agree,’ said Jude, who had caught up with them through the milling throng, ‘but look on the bright side.’ She indicated the huge crowd, who still seemed unwilling to
make their way home. None of the motorbikes in the car park had moved. It was as if their owners were biding their time until the moment of maximum annoyance for the residents of Fethering.
‘At least you’ll have made some money, Ted, from all this
the world.” I said to him, “Oh yes, and are you just passing through?”’
It took some of the crowd a moment or two to get that one, but when they did, they screamed and burst into applause. Jude, who’d heard the line many times before, reflected again on comedy
as the perfect examplar of recycling. No joke was too old to be pressed into service. Dusted down, freshened up with a topical reference, given extra punch by a four-letter word, and there was
still going to be someone out there who hadn’t heard it before. Anyway, for fans of comedy, originality is often less important than familiarity. Many school playgrounds have echoed to bad
impersonations and lines from The Goon Show , Monty Python , Blackadder , The Office or whatever the hit of the moment happened to be. And the people who buy all those
comedy CDs and DVDs clearly have a taste for endlessly rewatching their favourites.
So Jude wasn’t at all surprised when at one point in his set, Dan Poke did a riff on dogs that could have been delivered by any comedian of the past fifty years – and probably
longer. ‘I had a dog once,’ he began. ‘Not a complete dog, you understand. No, he’d been neutered. Oh, come on, I believe in calling a spayed a spayed. And I took my dog for
a walk in the woods – stopped between four trees. He was so confused he didn’t have a leg to stand on. But my dog liked walks – nothing he enjoyed better than going for a tramp in
the woods. Made all the tramps bloody furious, though.’
And so Dan Poke’s gig at the Crown and Anchor, Fethering, continued.
Chapter Twelve
‘Any time I can help out an old mate,’ said Dan Poke unctuously, thrusting out his hand to Ted through the back window of the limousine, ‘you know I’m
more than happy to.’
‘Help out?’ thought Carole, who was standing defensively close behind the landlord in the milling crowd. ‘Stitch up’, more like. She looked around for Jude, but
they’d got separated in the mass of sweating bodies.
Ted looked very uncomfortable as he took the proffered hand. ‘No, it’s been great, Dan. Can’t thank you enough. We’ll meet up again soon for a relaxed beer,
eh?’
The comedian detached his hand with a dismissive, ‘Sure, sure.’
‘Hard to get at you through all your panting fans.’ The new voice belonged to the tall man who was so infuriatingly familiar to Carole.
Dan Poke grinned. ‘Saw you in the audience, William, but didn’t get a chance to say anything.’ At least she now had a first name for him.
The man called William chuckled. ‘Having heard what you said about other people, I think I got off lightly.’ The line seemed so obviously a reference to Ted that the landlord looked
even more wretched.
‘Anyway, great show, as ever,’ the tall man continued, oozing automatic bonhomie. ‘I must be on my way, but we’ll be in touch. Eh?’ And he melted away towards his
pale blue BMW.
‘I’d better get moving too.’ Dan Poke leaned forward and tapped his driver on the shoulder. ‘Let’s get out of this shithole. And be careful you don’t run over
any screaming fans on the way out. That really would be bad publicity.’ He grinned his crooked grin back at Ted. ‘Almost as bad as everyone getting food poisoning.’ And the
limousine’s electric window moved upwards as the car glided gently away from the Crown and Anchor.
Ted Crisp couldn’t hold in his feelings any longer. ‘Bastard!’ he whispered on a long breath of pain. ‘Bastard!’
‘I agree,’ said Jude, who had caught up with them through the milling throng, ‘but look on the bright side.’ She indicated the huge crowd, who still seemed unwilling to
make their way home. None of the motorbikes in the car park had moved. It was as if their owners were biding their time until the moment of maximum annoyance for the residents of Fethering.
‘At least you’ll have made some money, Ted, from all this
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