briefly.”
Ben blinked. “With Dad, Sam and
Luke, you took that chance.”
“To see you.” I grabbed his hand.
“I would take that chance.”
“I got that all wrong,” Ben said.
“I was out there.” He pointed to the window and walked to it. “Sam was in the
yard, playing, I was watching him.” he glanced over his shoulder. “He’s funny
when he gets in his own world. And all of the sudden, I heard these voices.
Which never happens. And the voices were saying, ‘she’s coming, she’s gonna
pick people.’ I didn’t understand exactly what they were saying, but I knew
what it meant. Next thing I know I’m at the edge of the light. At first I’m
thinking I’m being pulled through and then I see this woman is there. She’s
different, real and all these souls are blasting her. That’s when it hit me,
she was the one picking. So I asked before she disappeared.”
“Ben, have you been stuck here?”
“No.” He shook his head. “I’ve
been waiting. Waiting for one moment where you could hear me. Just one moment.
I didn’t even need you to see me. Just... hear me and know … I knew. I knew you
were there. I knew you held my hand, wiped my face, and never left my side. I
knew you talked to me and stayed strong. I knew it and I couldn’t say a word. I
tried. I tried. But I was trapped in that shell.”
A weep slipped from my throat and
I grabbed on to his hand.
“I’m sorry, Mom. I am so sorry
that you, every one was hurt. I am so sorry this happened.”
“Oh my God, baby, no.” I pulled
him to me and held him. “This wasn’t your fault. I hated seeing you suffer. I
hated watching you fight so hard and …”
“No.” Ben shook his head. “It’s
okay. I was okay.”
My face was wet and I smeared my
hand against my cheek, pulling back to look at him. “I’m sorry too. Do you
forgive me?”
“For what?” he asked in shock.
“For anytime I wasn’t what you
needed or wasn’t there. For anytime, I forgot about you or made you feel less
important. Know that I love you. I love you so much.”
“Mom, I know.” He stared at me.
“I always knew. You are a great mom. Please know that. And I love you,
too.”
“I miss you Ben.”
“I know. I miss you guys, too.”
It was that moment, staring at my
son, hands clutched, that I realized, I never asked to resolve. I never asked
to go or be granted my request, Natalie approached me. Fate had thrown her my
way and she discovered me. But it wasn’t fate, it was on purpose and it wasn’t
my request that was granted, it was Ben’s.
He needed as much peace as I did.
His accident and abrupt departure from us, even before he had died, left us all
feeling unresolved. Even him.
And Ben had finally, in some way
found his resolution, I knew this when my entire kitchen disappeared and was enveloped
in a beautiful blinding light.
“I think it’s time to go,” Ben
said, then looked behind him at the light. “Yeah,” he smiled. “Yeah, it’s time
to go.”
“Ben?” I wept, not wanting to let
him go.
“It’s okay. It really is. I’m
ready now.”
“No.” I shook my head. “Please,
one more moment.”
“We had this. It’s more than most
people get.”
I felt him moving back and
reluctantly, I released his hand.
“Tell everyone I love them,” he
said. “I’ll be watching.”
My hand shot to my mouth, my eyes
locked on his and I didn’t even blink. I didn’t want to miss a millisecond of
my final moments with my child.
As the light engulfed him, Ben
looked away and to his left, as if someone was there. He laughed, looked back
at me and lifted his hand in a simple wave, before he faded into the light and
it was gone.
It was as if I were released from
a pulley. My body weakened and I dropped to my knees on my kitchen floor.
Trembling, I emotionally melted, sobbing my way through a roller coaster of
emotions. Happy I saw my son, sad that he was gone, angry that I lost him
again. Heartbroken that my child watched us grieve
Ben blinked. “With Dad, Sam and
Luke, you took that chance.”
“To see you.” I grabbed his hand.
“I would take that chance.”
“I got that all wrong,” Ben said.
“I was out there.” He pointed to the window and walked to it. “Sam was in the
yard, playing, I was watching him.” he glanced over his shoulder. “He’s funny
when he gets in his own world. And all of the sudden, I heard these voices.
Which never happens. And the voices were saying, ‘she’s coming, she’s gonna
pick people.’ I didn’t understand exactly what they were saying, but I knew
what it meant. Next thing I know I’m at the edge of the light. At first I’m
thinking I’m being pulled through and then I see this woman is there. She’s
different, real and all these souls are blasting her. That’s when it hit me,
she was the one picking. So I asked before she disappeared.”
“Ben, have you been stuck here?”
“No.” He shook his head. “I’ve
been waiting. Waiting for one moment where you could hear me. Just one moment.
I didn’t even need you to see me. Just... hear me and know … I knew. I knew you
were there. I knew you held my hand, wiped my face, and never left my side. I
knew you talked to me and stayed strong. I knew it and I couldn’t say a word. I
tried. I tried. But I was trapped in that shell.”
A weep slipped from my throat and
I grabbed on to his hand.
“I’m sorry, Mom. I am so sorry
that you, every one was hurt. I am so sorry this happened.”
“Oh my God, baby, no.” I pulled
him to me and held him. “This wasn’t your fault. I hated seeing you suffer. I
hated watching you fight so hard and …”
“No.” Ben shook his head. “It’s
okay. I was okay.”
My face was wet and I smeared my
hand against my cheek, pulling back to look at him. “I’m sorry too. Do you
forgive me?”
“For what?” he asked in shock.
“For anytime I wasn’t what you
needed or wasn’t there. For anytime, I forgot about you or made you feel less
important. Know that I love you. I love you so much.”
“Mom, I know.” He stared at me.
“I always knew. You are a great mom. Please know that. And I love you,
too.”
“I miss you Ben.”
“I know. I miss you guys, too.”
It was that moment, staring at my
son, hands clutched, that I realized, I never asked to resolve. I never asked
to go or be granted my request, Natalie approached me. Fate had thrown her my
way and she discovered me. But it wasn’t fate, it was on purpose and it wasn’t
my request that was granted, it was Ben’s.
He needed as much peace as I did.
His accident and abrupt departure from us, even before he had died, left us all
feeling unresolved. Even him.
And Ben had finally, in some way
found his resolution, I knew this when my entire kitchen disappeared and was enveloped
in a beautiful blinding light.
“I think it’s time to go,” Ben
said, then looked behind him at the light. “Yeah,” he smiled. “Yeah, it’s time
to go.”
“Ben?” I wept, not wanting to let
him go.
“It’s okay. It really is. I’m
ready now.”
“No.” I shook my head. “Please,
one more moment.”
“We had this. It’s more than most
people get.”
I felt him moving back and
reluctantly, I released his hand.
“Tell everyone I love them,” he
said. “I’ll be watching.”
My hand shot to my mouth, my eyes
locked on his and I didn’t even blink. I didn’t want to miss a millisecond of
my final moments with my child.
As the light engulfed him, Ben
looked away and to his left, as if someone was there. He laughed, looked back
at me and lifted his hand in a simple wave, before he faded into the light and
it was gone.
It was as if I were released from
a pulley. My body weakened and I dropped to my knees on my kitchen floor.
Trembling, I emotionally melted, sobbing my way through a roller coaster of
emotions. Happy I saw my son, sad that he was gone, angry that I lost him
again. Heartbroken that my child watched us grieve
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