it won’t take long. We put Chris, the first assistant, on the boat with a radio so Barney can tell him what he wants. He’s not keen either, and says boats make him puke.
Just as they head off to sea Mack turns up with Lucy and the client, and we explain what’s going on. The client is a bit dubious and wants to know if it will cost extra. Mack says, ‘Oh, for God’s sake,’ and Barney looks at him with a glimmer of admiration. Lucy rushes the client off to have breakfast and soothe his ruffled feathers. We’re all huddled on the dock watching the boat head out beyond the harbour walls, where it begins to pitch about alarmingly, and the strangled cries from Chris on the radio suggest all is not plain sailing.
‘It’s fucking heaving out here, guv, can we come back now?’ There are muffled sounds of swearing in the background.
The waves are getting quite big now; in fact it looks almost like a mini storm is brewing. The sky is fantastic, with the sun breaking through the clouds and sending shafts of light on to the sea. The tiny little boat comes bobbing back through the entrance to the harbour, and Barney, as usual, is right: it does look brilliant. The boat gets close in, but Barney says they have to go out again because the sun went in just at the crucial moment. Terrible language can be heard on the radio when Chris breaks the news to the boatman.
I notice with horror that the client has brought his own video camera and is standing right behind Barney trying to record over his shoulder. He then plays back the tape and peers at it. I can tell, and so can Lucy and Mack, that he’s about to start asking questions. Barney turns round and fixes him with a terrifying glare. Lucy and I surround the client and Mack grabs his arm and we manage to walk him over to the car where he starts blathering on about the light not being very bright. We go into all sorts of technical detail, some of which is totally made up, and eventually manage to persuade him to stop worrying. Lucy assures him that if he doesn’t like it we can always cut this bit from the final film. She whispers this because if Barney hears he’ll have a fit. Mack then suggests coffee, and begins asking the client all sorts of questions about his lovely camera, and they wander off quite happily. Brilliant, and you’d never know they were faking it if you couldn’t see them making rude gestures behind his back.
The boat goes back out, and comes back in, three more times before we get the right combination of light, cloudsand the boat bobbing up and down looking like it won’t make it back into harbour. Then Barney makes them go round and round inside the harbour, almost docking and then going off again, so we can get that bit just right. The actor has been sick, and the boatman is furious. Finally we get what we need, but now Barney wants the boat to come right up close to the harbour wall so we can get a shot of the actor throwing rope off it.
The actor isn’t keen, and says nobody told him he would have to throw ropes about, but we tell him to pull himself together or Barney will make them head out to sea again. This does the trick, and he hurls ropes about countless times. It’s really getting rough now and on about the tenth run a huge wave hits the boat, bashing it into the harbour wall with a sickening cracking sound. The boatman slams on the engines and moves the boat away from the wall, but the damage has been done and the railing at the front is cracked and hangs off looking pathetic. Everyone says, ‘Oh fuck,’ and then frantically looks away pretending to be doing something else.
After a short silence Chris comes on the radio. ‘Um, guv, this guy is seriously pissed off now. Can’t stress that enough, really. Have we got enough to call it a day, because I really don’t want to be the one to tell him you want to go again.’
Barney agrees they can come back in for real now. We all huddle around the camera, and try not to look at the
Just as they head off to sea Mack turns up with Lucy and the client, and we explain what’s going on. The client is a bit dubious and wants to know if it will cost extra. Mack says, ‘Oh, for God’s sake,’ and Barney looks at him with a glimmer of admiration. Lucy rushes the client off to have breakfast and soothe his ruffled feathers. We’re all huddled on the dock watching the boat head out beyond the harbour walls, where it begins to pitch about alarmingly, and the strangled cries from Chris on the radio suggest all is not plain sailing.
‘It’s fucking heaving out here, guv, can we come back now?’ There are muffled sounds of swearing in the background.
The waves are getting quite big now; in fact it looks almost like a mini storm is brewing. The sky is fantastic, with the sun breaking through the clouds and sending shafts of light on to the sea. The tiny little boat comes bobbing back through the entrance to the harbour, and Barney, as usual, is right: it does look brilliant. The boat gets close in, but Barney says they have to go out again because the sun went in just at the crucial moment. Terrible language can be heard on the radio when Chris breaks the news to the boatman.
I notice with horror that the client has brought his own video camera and is standing right behind Barney trying to record over his shoulder. He then plays back the tape and peers at it. I can tell, and so can Lucy and Mack, that he’s about to start asking questions. Barney turns round and fixes him with a terrifying glare. Lucy and I surround the client and Mack grabs his arm and we manage to walk him over to the car where he starts blathering on about the light not being very bright. We go into all sorts of technical detail, some of which is totally made up, and eventually manage to persuade him to stop worrying. Lucy assures him that if he doesn’t like it we can always cut this bit from the final film. She whispers this because if Barney hears he’ll have a fit. Mack then suggests coffee, and begins asking the client all sorts of questions about his lovely camera, and they wander off quite happily. Brilliant, and you’d never know they were faking it if you couldn’t see them making rude gestures behind his back.
The boat goes back out, and comes back in, three more times before we get the right combination of light, cloudsand the boat bobbing up and down looking like it won’t make it back into harbour. Then Barney makes them go round and round inside the harbour, almost docking and then going off again, so we can get that bit just right. The actor has been sick, and the boatman is furious. Finally we get what we need, but now Barney wants the boat to come right up close to the harbour wall so we can get a shot of the actor throwing rope off it.
The actor isn’t keen, and says nobody told him he would have to throw ropes about, but we tell him to pull himself together or Barney will make them head out to sea again. This does the trick, and he hurls ropes about countless times. It’s really getting rough now and on about the tenth run a huge wave hits the boat, bashing it into the harbour wall with a sickening cracking sound. The boatman slams on the engines and moves the boat away from the wall, but the damage has been done and the railing at the front is cracked and hangs off looking pathetic. Everyone says, ‘Oh fuck,’ and then frantically looks away pretending to be doing something else.
After a short silence Chris comes on the radio. ‘Um, guv, this guy is seriously pissed off now. Can’t stress that enough, really. Have we got enough to call it a day, because I really don’t want to be the one to tell him you want to go again.’
Barney agrees they can come back in for real now. We all huddle around the camera, and try not to look at the
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