The New New Rules: A Funny Look at How Everybody but Me Has Their Head Up Their Ass by Bill Maher
Authors: Bill Maher
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reenactors who mostly communicate by AM radio and call themselves the Republicans, and who actually worry that Obama is a socialist. Socialist? He’s not even a liberal.
I know he’s not, because he’s on TV. And while I see Democrats on television, I don’t see actual liberals. And if occasionally you do get to hear Ralph Nader or Noam Chomsky or Dennis Kucinich, they’re treated like buffoons. Okay, these are not three of the world’s most charismatic men, but then nobody’s ever going to confuse Newt Gingrich for Zac Efron, and I have to look at his fat face on TV more often than that “free credit report” song.
Shouldn’t there be one party that unambiguously supports cutting the military budget? A party that is straight up in favor of gun control, gay marriage, higher taxes on the rich, universal health care, legalizing pot, and steep, direct taxing of polluters?
These aren’t radical ideas. A majority of Americans are either already for them, or would be if they were properly argued and defended. And what we need is an actual progressive party to represent the millions of Americans who aren’t being served by the Democrats. Because bottom line: Democrats are the new Republicans. It’s like when some Chinese company buys the name of a great old American brand and slaps it on some cheap crap. You buy it out of reflex, and it’s only later that you think, “Wow, I didn’t even know Woolworth’s made dildos.”
—June 19, 2009
LAMEY POLLER
New Rule: If the guy who makes up the poll questions at CNN doesn’t want to do it anymore, he should just quit. This is an actual recent poll question: “Would you like to live on the moon?” And the shocking results: No, as it turns out, we would not like to live on the moon. This is the cable news equivalent of being in a dead-end relationship with an idiot. “What are you thinking?” “I dunno, honey. I guess I was just wondering how many Americans would like to live on the moon.”
LA TOYA STORY
New Rule: The Jacksons must trot out at least one family member who doesn’t make us all ask, “What went on in that house?”
LEAKY CONDIMENT
New Rule: Someone has to make a mustard container that doesn’t squirt out yellow water before it gets to the actual mustard. I get all excited for lunch, and then Grey Poupon pees on my sandwich. I suppose I could shake the bottle first, but fuck you, I’m an American consumer. Not only should your mustard be pre-blended to my specifications, it should also whiten my teeth.
LETTER RIP
New Rule: You don’t need a paper shredder. I’ve seen your mail—it’s not that interesting. What are you worried about, that the magazine from the auto club might fall into the wrong hands? I hate to break it to you, 007, but the Victoria’s Secret catalog isn’t actually a secret.
LIGHT MY IRE
New Rule: Bring back lamps where the switch is on the actual lamp and not three feet down the cord. How come we used to be able to make lamps with an on/off switch where you’d naturally look for it . . . You know, on the part I like to call “the lamp” . . . but now it’s on the cord? Did we lose the technology? I’m going to fight this. I’m going to bring back the lamp with the switch where it belongs. Or my name’s not Andy Rooney.
LILO & SCOTCH
New Rule: Now that I’ve collected all four mug shots, someone has to tell me how I get my free drink at SkyBar.
LIQUOR ASS
New Rule: We can’t have fraternities and also sell whiskey in a can. Yes, there’s a new offering from Scottish Spirits—eight shots of whiskey, straight up, in a can. Or, as they call it in Ireland, “A cool one.” Look, it won’t be long before some rich fraternity asshole is shot-gunning this thing, crushing it against his forehead, and then collapsing and dying. So on second thought, New Rule: The whiskey can is cool with me.
LOSER FRIENDLY
New Rule: Apple’s next
I know he’s not, because he’s on TV. And while I see Democrats on television, I don’t see actual liberals. And if occasionally you do get to hear Ralph Nader or Noam Chomsky or Dennis Kucinich, they’re treated like buffoons. Okay, these are not three of the world’s most charismatic men, but then nobody’s ever going to confuse Newt Gingrich for Zac Efron, and I have to look at his fat face on TV more often than that “free credit report” song.
Shouldn’t there be one party that unambiguously supports cutting the military budget? A party that is straight up in favor of gun control, gay marriage, higher taxes on the rich, universal health care, legalizing pot, and steep, direct taxing of polluters?
These aren’t radical ideas. A majority of Americans are either already for them, or would be if they were properly argued and defended. And what we need is an actual progressive party to represent the millions of Americans who aren’t being served by the Democrats. Because bottom line: Democrats are the new Republicans. It’s like when some Chinese company buys the name of a great old American brand and slaps it on some cheap crap. You buy it out of reflex, and it’s only later that you think, “Wow, I didn’t even know Woolworth’s made dildos.”
—June 19, 2009
LAMEY POLLER
New Rule: If the guy who makes up the poll questions at CNN doesn’t want to do it anymore, he should just quit. This is an actual recent poll question: “Would you like to live on the moon?” And the shocking results: No, as it turns out, we would not like to live on the moon. This is the cable news equivalent of being in a dead-end relationship with an idiot. “What are you thinking?” “I dunno, honey. I guess I was just wondering how many Americans would like to live on the moon.”
LA TOYA STORY
New Rule: The Jacksons must trot out at least one family member who doesn’t make us all ask, “What went on in that house?”
LEAKY CONDIMENT
New Rule: Someone has to make a mustard container that doesn’t squirt out yellow water before it gets to the actual mustard. I get all excited for lunch, and then Grey Poupon pees on my sandwich. I suppose I could shake the bottle first, but fuck you, I’m an American consumer. Not only should your mustard be pre-blended to my specifications, it should also whiten my teeth.
LETTER RIP
New Rule: You don’t need a paper shredder. I’ve seen your mail—it’s not that interesting. What are you worried about, that the magazine from the auto club might fall into the wrong hands? I hate to break it to you, 007, but the Victoria’s Secret catalog isn’t actually a secret.
LIGHT MY IRE
New Rule: Bring back lamps where the switch is on the actual lamp and not three feet down the cord. How come we used to be able to make lamps with an on/off switch where you’d naturally look for it . . . You know, on the part I like to call “the lamp” . . . but now it’s on the cord? Did we lose the technology? I’m going to fight this. I’m going to bring back the lamp with the switch where it belongs. Or my name’s not Andy Rooney.
LILO & SCOTCH
New Rule: Now that I’ve collected all four mug shots, someone has to tell me how I get my free drink at SkyBar.
LIQUOR ASS
New Rule: We can’t have fraternities and also sell whiskey in a can. Yes, there’s a new offering from Scottish Spirits—eight shots of whiskey, straight up, in a can. Or, as they call it in Ireland, “A cool one.” Look, it won’t be long before some rich fraternity asshole is shot-gunning this thing, crushing it against his forehead, and then collapsing and dying. So on second thought, New Rule: The whiskey can is cool with me.
LOSER FRIENDLY
New Rule: Apple’s next
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