The New Death and others by James Hutchings Page B
Authors: James Hutchings
Tags: Humor, Fiction, Science-Fiction, Gothic, Fantasy fiction, Fantasy, Humour, Short Stories, dark fantasy, Short-Story, Fairy Tale, funny, Anthology, Fairy Tales, dark, goth, bargain, collection, Fairytale, lovecraftian, flash fiction, budget, flash, hp lovecraft, cheap, robert e howard, lord dunsany, collection of flash fiction, clark ashton smith
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days before its
release date, Kevin and his friends took the world by storm. No one
paid any attention to Barry and Todd's album. Their work was for
nothing, and they swore to take revenge.
---
The demon floated in the void. Neither alive
nor dead, it waited. Waited for a mortal to speak its name.
---
"Right-oh," said Kevin, "We've only got one
more chance. This follow-up album has to be terrible."
"Yes, I suppose so," Dennis said glumly.
"What's the matter old chum?" asked
Kevin.
"Well...what if they're right? What if we
really are incredibly talented?"
"Chin up Dennis. Just because someone in your
family can do something, that doesn't mean you can."
"Yes, buck up," Chloe added. "Everyone says
we can do it. Well, we'll just have to show them they're
wrong."
"Gosh chaps, I suppose you're right. Why, we
could make...a disco concept album inspired by Lord of the
Rings !"
"That's the spirit. And all the songs could
be parodies of show tunes!" added Chloe.
"Those are good ideas," said Kevin, deep in
thought. "But we need something more."
---
Todd Einstein asked his brother Albert to
help. But Albert had just completed his Theory of Relativity, which
said that he didn't have to help his relatives.
"Ask Steven Hawking," he said. But Steven
Hawking was busy rehearsing for his poetry slam.
"Ask Richard Dawkins," he said. But Richard
Dawkins said his horoscope warned against starting new projects
this month.
"Bah! We've tried everyone in the university
Science Department," Todd grumbled.
"Why don't we try the Pseudoscience
Department?" asked Barry. So off they went.
---
Kevin frowned, and paced the studio.
"I just...there's a worse style of music. I
just know there is."
---
The Pseudoscience Department was on the other
side of the university, next to Economics. Their building was the
first one in the world constructed using the healing power of
magnets. It often fell down, but only because people didn't believe
in it. Unfortunately for the two friends the Department used
homeopathic teaching methods: the less anyone turned up, the more
everyone learned. Thus there was only one professor in the whole
building. Barry and Todd explained their problem.
"Well this is easy," said the professor. "You
have to implant ideas in their minds using ESP."
"Goodness Professor, we wouldn't have any
idea how to do that. Can you show us how?"
"Of course. First, what's the worst idea that
this Kevin fellow could have?" The two musicians thought for a
moment.
"Well," Todd said at last. "I'd say the worst
idea he could have would be to make an album where the music is
entirely samples of dogs barking, sped up and slowed down to make a
melody."
"Oh, and all the music is Christmas carols,"
Barry added.
"Very well. Now sit down, and close your
eyes. Try and picture him in your mind..."
---
"Remixes that are just the original song with
louder drums?"
"William Shatner doing spoken word?"
"No, no. Oh crumbs, something worse than
either of those."
---
"I think it's working!" Barry exclaimed. "I
can see them! They're in a studio!"
"So can I!" said Todd.
"That's it boys," the Professor replied.
"Focus your minds even harder. Think of the idea as an arrow, and
think of it flying into Kevin's head."
---
"Of course!" Kevin gave a cry of joy. "We
could make an album where the music is entirely samples of dogs
barking, sped up and slowed down to make a melody, and all the
music is Christmas carols!"
"Hurrah! That's a splendid idea!" Chloe and
Dennis cried.
---
The three friends kept the details of their
new album secret. They knew that if their record company found out,
they might make them change it. Or, worse, they could scrap the
project entirely. Then it would become a legendary 'lost album',
which the corporate suits destroyed because they didn't understand
it.
The secrecy created more expectation than any
advertising could have done. Fans camped out
release date, Kevin and his friends took the world by storm. No one
paid any attention to Barry and Todd's album. Their work was for
nothing, and they swore to take revenge.
---
The demon floated in the void. Neither alive
nor dead, it waited. Waited for a mortal to speak its name.
---
"Right-oh," said Kevin, "We've only got one
more chance. This follow-up album has to be terrible."
"Yes, I suppose so," Dennis said glumly.
"What's the matter old chum?" asked
Kevin.
"Well...what if they're right? What if we
really are incredibly talented?"
"Chin up Dennis. Just because someone in your
family can do something, that doesn't mean you can."
"Yes, buck up," Chloe added. "Everyone says
we can do it. Well, we'll just have to show them they're
wrong."
"Gosh chaps, I suppose you're right. Why, we
could make...a disco concept album inspired by Lord of the
Rings !"
"That's the spirit. And all the songs could
be parodies of show tunes!" added Chloe.
"Those are good ideas," said Kevin, deep in
thought. "But we need something more."
---
Todd Einstein asked his brother Albert to
help. But Albert had just completed his Theory of Relativity, which
said that he didn't have to help his relatives.
"Ask Steven Hawking," he said. But Steven
Hawking was busy rehearsing for his poetry slam.
"Ask Richard Dawkins," he said. But Richard
Dawkins said his horoscope warned against starting new projects
this month.
"Bah! We've tried everyone in the university
Science Department," Todd grumbled.
"Why don't we try the Pseudoscience
Department?" asked Barry. So off they went.
---
Kevin frowned, and paced the studio.
"I just...there's a worse style of music. I
just know there is."
---
The Pseudoscience Department was on the other
side of the university, next to Economics. Their building was the
first one in the world constructed using the healing power of
magnets. It often fell down, but only because people didn't believe
in it. Unfortunately for the two friends the Department used
homeopathic teaching methods: the less anyone turned up, the more
everyone learned. Thus there was only one professor in the whole
building. Barry and Todd explained their problem.
"Well this is easy," said the professor. "You
have to implant ideas in their minds using ESP."
"Goodness Professor, we wouldn't have any
idea how to do that. Can you show us how?"
"Of course. First, what's the worst idea that
this Kevin fellow could have?" The two musicians thought for a
moment.
"Well," Todd said at last. "I'd say the worst
idea he could have would be to make an album where the music is
entirely samples of dogs barking, sped up and slowed down to make a
melody."
"Oh, and all the music is Christmas carols,"
Barry added.
"Very well. Now sit down, and close your
eyes. Try and picture him in your mind..."
---
"Remixes that are just the original song with
louder drums?"
"William Shatner doing spoken word?"
"No, no. Oh crumbs, something worse than
either of those."
---
"I think it's working!" Barry exclaimed. "I
can see them! They're in a studio!"
"So can I!" said Todd.
"That's it boys," the Professor replied.
"Focus your minds even harder. Think of the idea as an arrow, and
think of it flying into Kevin's head."
---
"Of course!" Kevin gave a cry of joy. "We
could make an album where the music is entirely samples of dogs
barking, sped up and slowed down to make a melody, and all the
music is Christmas carols!"
"Hurrah! That's a splendid idea!" Chloe and
Dennis cried.
---
The three friends kept the details of their
new album secret. They knew that if their record company found out,
they might make them change it. Or, worse, they could scrap the
project entirely. Then it would become a legendary 'lost album',
which the corporate suits destroyed because they didn't understand
it.
The secrecy created more expectation than any
advertising could have done. Fans camped out
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