that right?”
She nodded at the traffic ahead. “I think he does it just to see Stef. He’s nuts about her. Says she reminds him of his daughters. When they were little, at least.”
“And you? You like him?”
“He’s very . . .
European
, isn’t he?”
“I suppose so.”
“And he’s crazy about you. Reminds me of Tom, always making excuses for your shortcomings.”
He scratched at an itch on the back of his head. She seemed to be turning the conversation in a bleak direction. “Does he need to?”
“Sometimes, yeah. Sometimes I get pretty pissed off.” She shook her head. “I don’t want to get into that argument again, okay?”
“Okay.”
“We’ve been through all of it,” she continued, as if she actually did want to get into it again. “I still get angry sometimes, but it’s not because I don’t understand. I get it. You made it clear with Dr. Ray. You’d been living all your life with this secret side, and it never really occurred to you to share it with me.”
“Yeah,” he said. “Something like that.”
“And that’s the problem, isn’t it?”
He didn’t understand, so she explained. “You didn’t make a conscious decision to keep it a secret; the idea of sharing it simply never entered your mind.” She took a breath. “
That
makes it worse. It means that it’s hardwired into you. It’s something that’ll never change.”
“People can change. Remember? Dr. Ray said that, too.”
“Before you suddenly decided to return to the field without even running it by me? Or before she told you that you weren’t taking our sessions seriously enough?”
Suddenly, this transatlantic visit felt like a mistake. It was as if she were looking for reasons to reject him, milking them out of whatever new facts she had discovered. The truth, though, was that Milo still didn’t understand. “You need more time?” he asked.
“Time for what?” She glanced at him. “You’re working in Europe again. If we give the marriage another try, then what kind of marriage are we talking about? I’m still not interested in moving, you know. I like my job. I like the life I’ve got here. Stephanie’s in a great school.”
He rubbed his face. Despite the many times he’d planned and played this conversation in his head, she was irritating him. “Whydo I have to have all the answers? Why can’t we just play it by ear?”
“Because we have a
child
, Milo.”
All the air seemed to leave the car.
She gave him a quick look. “What did you think would happen here? Did you think we’d fall in love all over again and you’d return to your . . . I don’t know. Do you even have a home?”
He didn’t answer. It was out of his hands now.
“Maybe you think we can have some kind of satisfying long distance relationship. But tell me: Could we really depend on you showing up for birthdays and holidays? You’re not working a nine-to-five.” She stopped at a light. “Unless you’re quitting. Is that it?”
“Not yet,” he managed.
Silence followed, and after they’d gotten moving again she spoke more softly. “I’ve had a lot of time to think about things, and one thing I couldn’t understand was myself. Why didn’t I go with you back in July? My husband comes to me, tells me his life is in danger, and the only way we can all stay together is if we leave the country. You made it very clear, Milo. An idiot could have understood.”
He waited.
“I couldn’t understand why my ‘no’ had come so easily. There were plenty of practical reasons, but those weren’t enough. It was my unconscious making the decisions, and my unconscious knew that, even without all the melodrama, there was something wrong in the marriage. Maybe I’d never really trusted you in the first place. Maybe my love had its limits. I don’t know, and I still don’t. All I know is that if we got back together it couldn’t stay the way it was. It would take work. We’d have to work together to figure out
She nodded at the traffic ahead. “I think he does it just to see Stef. He’s nuts about her. Says she reminds him of his daughters. When they were little, at least.”
“And you? You like him?”
“He’s very . . .
European
, isn’t he?”
“I suppose so.”
“And he’s crazy about you. Reminds me of Tom, always making excuses for your shortcomings.”
He scratched at an itch on the back of his head. She seemed to be turning the conversation in a bleak direction. “Does he need to?”
“Sometimes, yeah. Sometimes I get pretty pissed off.” She shook her head. “I don’t want to get into that argument again, okay?”
“Okay.”
“We’ve been through all of it,” she continued, as if she actually did want to get into it again. “I still get angry sometimes, but it’s not because I don’t understand. I get it. You made it clear with Dr. Ray. You’d been living all your life with this secret side, and it never really occurred to you to share it with me.”
“Yeah,” he said. “Something like that.”
“And that’s the problem, isn’t it?”
He didn’t understand, so she explained. “You didn’t make a conscious decision to keep it a secret; the idea of sharing it simply never entered your mind.” She took a breath. “
That
makes it worse. It means that it’s hardwired into you. It’s something that’ll never change.”
“People can change. Remember? Dr. Ray said that, too.”
“Before you suddenly decided to return to the field without even running it by me? Or before she told you that you weren’t taking our sessions seriously enough?”
Suddenly, this transatlantic visit felt like a mistake. It was as if she were looking for reasons to reject him, milking them out of whatever new facts she had discovered. The truth, though, was that Milo still didn’t understand. “You need more time?” he asked.
“Time for what?” She glanced at him. “You’re working in Europe again. If we give the marriage another try, then what kind of marriage are we talking about? I’m still not interested in moving, you know. I like my job. I like the life I’ve got here. Stephanie’s in a great school.”
He rubbed his face. Despite the many times he’d planned and played this conversation in his head, she was irritating him. “Whydo I have to have all the answers? Why can’t we just play it by ear?”
“Because we have a
child
, Milo.”
All the air seemed to leave the car.
She gave him a quick look. “What did you think would happen here? Did you think we’d fall in love all over again and you’d return to your . . . I don’t know. Do you even have a home?”
He didn’t answer. It was out of his hands now.
“Maybe you think we can have some kind of satisfying long distance relationship. But tell me: Could we really depend on you showing up for birthdays and holidays? You’re not working a nine-to-five.” She stopped at a light. “Unless you’re quitting. Is that it?”
“Not yet,” he managed.
Silence followed, and after they’d gotten moving again she spoke more softly. “I’ve had a lot of time to think about things, and one thing I couldn’t understand was myself. Why didn’t I go with you back in July? My husband comes to me, tells me his life is in danger, and the only way we can all stay together is if we leave the country. You made it very clear, Milo. An idiot could have understood.”
He waited.
“I couldn’t understand why my ‘no’ had come so easily. There were plenty of practical reasons, but those weren’t enough. It was my unconscious making the decisions, and my unconscious knew that, even without all the melodrama, there was something wrong in the marriage. Maybe I’d never really trusted you in the first place. Maybe my love had its limits. I don’t know, and I still don’t. All I know is that if we got back together it couldn’t stay the way it was. It would take work. We’d have to work together to figure out
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