inside me wasn’t in my head.” Noah wasn’t able to make that point while looking directly at Ronan. He only found the courage after he finished speaking.
“True.” Ronan grinned. “But that wasn’t the main drive of the encounter, was it?”
“But I climaxed.” As soon as the words were out of his mouth, he felt himself turning red. “What’s wrong with me? I can do that with you, but then I can’t use certain words without feeling like I’m going to be struck by lightning.”
“That’s what we were working on in there, even though it doesn’t seem like it.” Ronan took him into the living room, where they sat on the couch. “It seems almost counterintuitive to act out what you most fear—the idea that someone knows what you’re thinking. What I said during our session—that I know you’re a dirty boy with filthy thoughts—seems like it would send you into a shame spiral of epic proportions. But by acting out your fear in a controlled environment, you were able to not only grasp the truth intellectually but also emotionally.”
“The truth?”
“The truth that someone reading your mind simply isn’t possible. The more you do that, the more you confront that idea and really challenge it, the deeper that belief will get into your psyche. Eventually, it will be automatic.”
Noah frowned, not understanding.
“Think of it like the advice to turn into a skid. Sounds crazy, right?”
“Right.”
“But if you do, you actually regain grip for the wheels.”
“That sounds like if I do what you’re suggesting, then I’ll only entrench the fears.”
“Okay. Good point. My analogy isn’t as good as yours about finding the extra room in your house.”
As the details of their previous conversation came back to him, Noah began to understand what Ronan was trying to say. “So by acting out my greatest fears, I take away their power?”
“That’s the best summation I’ve ever heard.” Ronan continued to gently stroke Noah’s hand. “If you run from your fears, you reinforce them. They get bigger and scarier. If you head right into them, you run over them. When you look back, they’re a lot smaller because you’re moving away.”
“Still trying to make that skid analogy work?”
“I am.” Ronan laughed.
“What if you’re skidding on a motorcycle?”
“That’s a whole new ballgame.” Ronan kissed the back of his hand. “The point is that if you keep pushing forward with our sessions, you’ll be able to have that inner peace no matter where you are or where you go. You’ll have challenged that fear so much that it simply won’t have the same power over you.”
Noah thought about that feeling he’d had on the table. He’d been fearless in that moment and for quite some time afterward. “I’d like to feel like that all the time.” Frankly, he’d pay almost any amount of money to feel like that for even a handful of hours.
“I’d like to help you get there.” Ronan squeezed his hand.
“Please don’t take this the wrong way, but…”
“Why?”
“Yes. I know it’s like looking a gift horse in the mouth, but why would you want to help me? What are you getting out of this?” After Ronan’s previous reaction when Noah offered him money, he wasn’t about to make that same mistake twice.
“I already told you that I’m getting back what I thought I’d lost. I enjoyed what we did. Helping you helped me.”
“But what if I never want to go further?”
“What do you mean? You just want to act out that same scenario over and over?”
That wasn’t quite what Noah meant, but it was close enough, so he nodded.
“I would be okay with that.”
“You would?” Noah thought that Ronan would want to act out his own desires, not just go with Noah’s.
“But I can honestly tell you I don’t think you’ll want to keep hammering away at the same scenario again and again. You’ll want to repeat it until you’ve gained all that you can from it,
“True.” Ronan grinned. “But that wasn’t the main drive of the encounter, was it?”
“But I climaxed.” As soon as the words were out of his mouth, he felt himself turning red. “What’s wrong with me? I can do that with you, but then I can’t use certain words without feeling like I’m going to be struck by lightning.”
“That’s what we were working on in there, even though it doesn’t seem like it.” Ronan took him into the living room, where they sat on the couch. “It seems almost counterintuitive to act out what you most fear—the idea that someone knows what you’re thinking. What I said during our session—that I know you’re a dirty boy with filthy thoughts—seems like it would send you into a shame spiral of epic proportions. But by acting out your fear in a controlled environment, you were able to not only grasp the truth intellectually but also emotionally.”
“The truth?”
“The truth that someone reading your mind simply isn’t possible. The more you do that, the more you confront that idea and really challenge it, the deeper that belief will get into your psyche. Eventually, it will be automatic.”
Noah frowned, not understanding.
“Think of it like the advice to turn into a skid. Sounds crazy, right?”
“Right.”
“But if you do, you actually regain grip for the wheels.”
“That sounds like if I do what you’re suggesting, then I’ll only entrench the fears.”
“Okay. Good point. My analogy isn’t as good as yours about finding the extra room in your house.”
As the details of their previous conversation came back to him, Noah began to understand what Ronan was trying to say. “So by acting out my greatest fears, I take away their power?”
“That’s the best summation I’ve ever heard.” Ronan continued to gently stroke Noah’s hand. “If you run from your fears, you reinforce them. They get bigger and scarier. If you head right into them, you run over them. When you look back, they’re a lot smaller because you’re moving away.”
“Still trying to make that skid analogy work?”
“I am.” Ronan laughed.
“What if you’re skidding on a motorcycle?”
“That’s a whole new ballgame.” Ronan kissed the back of his hand. “The point is that if you keep pushing forward with our sessions, you’ll be able to have that inner peace no matter where you are or where you go. You’ll have challenged that fear so much that it simply won’t have the same power over you.”
Noah thought about that feeling he’d had on the table. He’d been fearless in that moment and for quite some time afterward. “I’d like to feel like that all the time.” Frankly, he’d pay almost any amount of money to feel like that for even a handful of hours.
“I’d like to help you get there.” Ronan squeezed his hand.
“Please don’t take this the wrong way, but…”
“Why?”
“Yes. I know it’s like looking a gift horse in the mouth, but why would you want to help me? What are you getting out of this?” After Ronan’s previous reaction when Noah offered him money, he wasn’t about to make that same mistake twice.
“I already told you that I’m getting back what I thought I’d lost. I enjoyed what we did. Helping you helped me.”
“But what if I never want to go further?”
“What do you mean? You just want to act out that same scenario over and over?”
That wasn’t quite what Noah meant, but it was close enough, so he nodded.
“I would be okay with that.”
“You would?” Noah thought that Ronan would want to act out his own desires, not just go with Noah’s.
“But I can honestly tell you I don’t think you’ll want to keep hammering away at the same scenario again and again. You’ll want to repeat it until you’ve gained all that you can from it,
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