The More You Ignore Me by Jo Brand Page A

for
once, please.’
    ‘Oh, so
you’re involved too,’ Gina began.
    ‘Oh,
for fuck’s sake,’ screamed Alice. ‘Why must everything revolve around you and
your pathetic illness?’ She kicked the chair nearest her and walked out into
the garden.
    ‘Right,’
Keith heard himself say ‘Everybody calm down. ‘To his complete surprise,
everybody did. Desperate for Alice not to miss what seemed to be such an
important night, he turned to his mother-in-law.
    ‘Will
you go with Alice tonight?’ he asked.
    ‘Go
where?’ said Ma Wildgoose.
    ‘To see
the Smiths in Leicester,’ he said.
    ‘Who
are the bleeding Smiths?’ said Ma Wildgoose. ‘Some friends?’
    ‘No,
they’re a pop group,’ said Keith. ‘She’s so desperate to go, please, I’ll give
you money for the train and cabs.’
    ‘And a
stout?’ said Ma Wildgoose, ever conscious of the possibility of a drink.
    All
right,’ said Keith. Alice, love?’ he called. Alice came in, looking so sad and
defeated, Keith couldn’t bear it.
    ‘It’s
all right, you can go,’ he said. ‘Nan’s going with you.
    Oh,
what a double-edged sword. Was the purest pleasure of the Smiths show worth the
farting, swearing heap that was Nan Wildgoose? Alice decided it was. There was
bound to be somewhere she could safely dump her near the gig and escape to meet
the Smiths.
    Keith
deposited Alice and her nan at the station in record time and they both sat
staring out of the window with their own thoughts for much of the journey When
they finally arrived in Leicester, Alice realised Nan had fallen asleep. She
shook her gently Nan woke with a grunt and her customary emission of wind.
    ‘Where
are we?’ she said, bad-tempered as ever.
    ‘In
Leicester going to see the Smiths,’ said Alice, the words giving her a little
frisson of excitement.
    They
rose from their seats and trudged along the platform. Outside, taxis stood
lined up and they joined the queue.
    An
Asian driver smiled and chatted amiably as they traversed the Leicestershire
landscape, Alice praying that Nan Wildgoose wouldn’t say something offensive.
    ‘I want
the toilet,’ was what she came up with.
    ‘We’re
nearly there,’ said Alice.
    ‘I want
the toilet,’ said Nan louder.
    The
driver looked concerned. ‘She won’t have piss in my car?’ he said.
    ‘No,’ said
Alice.
    ‘I
have,’ said Nan triumphantly ‘I couldn’t wait.’
    ‘Oh my
God.’ The taxi driver launched into an unintelligible stream of a language
they didn’t understand.
    The
taxi stopped.
    ‘Out
please,’ he said, barely keeping his temper.
    ‘I’m
sorry,’ said Alice, ‘she didn’t mean it.’
    ‘Give
me all your money,’ said the driver, ‘to clean car.’ Alice regretfully handed
over the thirty pounds Keith had given her.
    They
watched as he disappeared into the distance, having helpfully informed them it
was ‘bloody miles’ to Leicester University.
    Nan Wildgoose
and Alice started to walk. There was a cold and bitter wind and shards of sharp
rain whipped into them.
    Nan was
silent for a few hundred yards.
    ‘I
don’t feel well,’ she said.
    ‘We’re
nearly there.’ said Alice who could see the concrete jumble of the campus not
far away.
    She
looked at her watch. Three-quarters of an hour to go. A bus shelter loomed in
the darkness.
    ‘Let’s
sit down for a minute,’ said Alice, relieved. ‘We’ve still got time.’
    Nan
Wildgoose sat heavily on the narrow plastic seat.
    ‘What
is it?’ Alice asked.
    ‘Pain,’
said Nan.
    ‘Where?’
said Alice, guiltily feeling only irritable. ‘Everywhere,’ said Nan. ‘I want to
go home.’ Oh Christ, thought Alice. Don’t be ill now, for fuck’s sake, not
today of all days.
    Nan slumped
over on to Alice’s shoulder.
    ‘Nan?’
said Alice. Getting no answer, her voice rose with alarm. ‘Nan! Nan!’
    It was
no good, there was no response. Nan Wildgoose was just a big heavy heap of
flesh pushing her across the seat. Alice couldn’t hold her and Nan