STUDY in the home he had avoided thinking of for so many years, fighting the surge of memories that attacked him. The study had been one of his favorite rooms with huge floor-to-ceiling shelves covering two walls completely and French doors on the opposite side that opened onto the veranda.
Thick Persian rugs that had been his motherâs pride covered the floor. He remembered playing with his toys on those rugs sitting at her feet.
The smell of old books and ancient leather stole through him swiftly, shaking loose things he had forgotten beneath layers of hurt and fear.
Emotions he didnât want to feel surged inside.
They had laughed here, the three of them. Spent numerous evenings in front of the fireâhis father reading to him while his mother had sat in the cozy recliner with her knitting. There had been good years, he suddenly realized, years of laughter and joyful Christmases before ruined football games and hospital visits had become the norm. Before fear had become the norm, before fear had infiltrated every corner and nook.
Had it begun with his fainting and near dying at the football game? Had it begun when his mother had been gradually getting worse and worse? Or had it begun when his father had started his affair with Jackie?
Did it matter anymore?
âHello, Nate,â his father said softly, and closed the door behind him.
Even having learned all the details of his fatherâs illness from Maria, Nathan still wasnât prepared for the shock his fatherâs appearance dealt him. As much as he wanted to not give a damn, he found he couldnât not care, couldnât not be affected by how frail he looked.
His blue gaze seemed dulled, haunted by dark circles underneath. His frame, always lean and spare, now looked downright skinny.
Alarm reverberated through Nate.
He didnât want to feel anything for his father. Damn Riya for forcing him to this. The blasted woman was making it hard on herself and him.
âItâs so good to see you, Nate. Riyaâs been telling me all about your ventures and how powerful and successful you are. Iâm very proud of you.â
Nathan could only nod. He couldnât speak. Was he as big a sap as Riya? Because one kind word from his father and he couldnât even breathe properly.
Fury, betrayal and so much more rose inside him. And that kind of emotional upheaval scared him more than the little fracture in his breathing the other night.
If he let one emotion in, they would all follow. Until all he felt would be fear.
There were too many things out of his control already. And to be in control, he had to remember things heâd rather forget, remember things that had driven him from his home, things that had driven him to live his life alone. âLetâs not pretend that this is anything but the fear and regret a man faces once he sees death coming for him, Dad.â
His father flinched, and this time, nothing pierced Nathan. Not even satisfaction that he had landed a shot. Tears flooded those blue eyes that were so like his own. âIâm so sorry, Nathan, that you felt you couldnât stay here after she was gone.â
He couldnât bear this, this avalanche of fear and love, of need and despair that it always brought. âIt was so hard to lose her like that, so hard to see my own fate reflected in her death. But to learn that you were with that woman. Can you imagine what that must have done to her?â
âI made a mistake, Nate, a ghastly one. I couldnât bear to see her wilt away. I let that fear drive me to Jackie. I was so ashamed of myself. And your mother...I instantly told her. And she forgave me, Nate.â
Shock waves pounded through Nate. âI donât believe you.â
He collapsed onto the settee and buried his head in his hands. There was an ache in his throat and he tried to breathe past it, but his dadâs words already stole through him.
Because Jacqueline Spear was
Thick Persian rugs that had been his motherâs pride covered the floor. He remembered playing with his toys on those rugs sitting at her feet.
The smell of old books and ancient leather stole through him swiftly, shaking loose things he had forgotten beneath layers of hurt and fear.
Emotions he didnât want to feel surged inside.
They had laughed here, the three of them. Spent numerous evenings in front of the fireâhis father reading to him while his mother had sat in the cozy recliner with her knitting. There had been good years, he suddenly realized, years of laughter and joyful Christmases before ruined football games and hospital visits had become the norm. Before fear had become the norm, before fear had infiltrated every corner and nook.
Had it begun with his fainting and near dying at the football game? Had it begun when his mother had been gradually getting worse and worse? Or had it begun when his father had started his affair with Jackie?
Did it matter anymore?
âHello, Nate,â his father said softly, and closed the door behind him.
Even having learned all the details of his fatherâs illness from Maria, Nathan still wasnât prepared for the shock his fatherâs appearance dealt him. As much as he wanted to not give a damn, he found he couldnât not care, couldnât not be affected by how frail he looked.
His blue gaze seemed dulled, haunted by dark circles underneath. His frame, always lean and spare, now looked downright skinny.
Alarm reverberated through Nate.
He didnât want to feel anything for his father. Damn Riya for forcing him to this. The blasted woman was making it hard on herself and him.
âItâs so good to see you, Nate. Riyaâs been telling me all about your ventures and how powerful and successful you are. Iâm very proud of you.â
Nathan could only nod. He couldnât speak. Was he as big a sap as Riya? Because one kind word from his father and he couldnât even breathe properly.
Fury, betrayal and so much more rose inside him. And that kind of emotional upheaval scared him more than the little fracture in his breathing the other night.
If he let one emotion in, they would all follow. Until all he felt would be fear.
There were too many things out of his control already. And to be in control, he had to remember things heâd rather forget, remember things that had driven him from his home, things that had driven him to live his life alone. âLetâs not pretend that this is anything but the fear and regret a man faces once he sees death coming for him, Dad.â
His father flinched, and this time, nothing pierced Nathan. Not even satisfaction that he had landed a shot. Tears flooded those blue eyes that were so like his own. âIâm so sorry, Nathan, that you felt you couldnât stay here after she was gone.â
He couldnât bear this, this avalanche of fear and love, of need and despair that it always brought. âIt was so hard to lose her like that, so hard to see my own fate reflected in her death. But to learn that you were with that woman. Can you imagine what that must have done to her?â
âI made a mistake, Nate, a ghastly one. I couldnât bear to see her wilt away. I let that fear drive me to Jackie. I was so ashamed of myself. And your mother...I instantly told her. And she forgave me, Nate.â
Shock waves pounded through Nate. âI donât believe you.â
He collapsed onto the settee and buried his head in his hands. There was an ache in his throat and he tried to breathe past it, but his dadâs words already stole through him.
Because Jacqueline Spear was
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