don’t know. How stupid is that? I mean, yeah, he’s a guy. I feel like I should be totally weirded out by the thought of kissing him, but when I remember how it felt…” I trailed off, closing my eyes and trying to shove the memory away. It provoked a thousand different emotions that I couldn’t even begin to piece together. Also, I didn’t want to get a hard-on in front of Sawyer, which happened every single time I thought back to that moment in the utility room.
“You need to stop trying to put yourself in some sort of box,” Sawyer began. I opened my eyes to look at him, genuinely interested in what he had to say. “You’re not a conventional guy, Matt, and life isn’t black and white. There’s no rule that says you can only be attracted to certain people, or that you can’t change along the way. Sexuality is a long spectrum, and it’s okay to land anywhere on it.”
“I’m not sure what you’re saying.”
“I’m saying you connect with people . Always have. Not their gender, religion, sexuality or whatever. Just them . You’ve fallen in love with a person , with what’s inside , and I think that’s what’s scaring you the most.”
“Whoa…back the fuck down. You think I love him?”
“Hell I don’t know! Only you can answer that. But really, if it was anything less, I don’t think you’d be struggling so much.”
“So you’re saying I should just forget he’s got a dick?”
“Fuck no! For one, that would be impossible if you were ever to sleep with him. Have you even thought that far ahead? Do you want to sleep with him?”
“I’ve thought about it,” I confessed. There was no point lying to Sawyer. He knew me well enough to smell my bullshit three states away. “And it scares the shit outta me.”
“Scares you?”
“It’s like, I’ve been having sex since I was fifteen years old. I like to think I’m pretty experienced.”
“There aren’t many people who would argue that,” Sawyer interrupted, grinning.
“But with a guy? I wouldn’t have a clue where to start. I’d be like a virgin all over again.”
“I say this from experience. A man’s ‘heavenly warmth,’ doesn’t feel all that different from a woman’s. It’s common knowledge you’re a professional at giving it up the ass, so I think you’ll be fine.”
My head jerked back, sending a shock of pain down my neck. It wasn’t a lie, but also not something I’d advertised in the freakin’ newspaper. “How the fuck is that common knowledge?”
“You really have no idea how honest you are when you’re drunk, do you?”
“Wait…” I raised my hand, realization smacking me in the face. “Without going into how the hell you know that about me, you’re right. It’s always been my favorite way to take a chick. Do you think that means I’ve been secretly gay for all these years and not noticed?”
Sawyer laughed. Not an amused laugh, more a chuckle of disbelief. “No, Matt. I don’t. You can’t not notice you’re gay. The fact you like fucking ass means you like fucking ass. Some people like using dildos, doesn’t mean they want to marry one. Love, or whatever it is you feel for Alex, doesn’t come with a rulebook. You’ve found a connection with someone that goes beyond sex and attraction, probably for the first time in your life. That’s all that’s going on here. I don’t know if it can or will go any further, but like I’ve said a thousand times, you won’t know until you talk to him.”
I sighed heavily, finally resigning myself to the fact he was right. “But he won’t take my calls.”
“Then find him. Come on, dude. You know where he lives, where he goes. The only reason you haven’t spoken to him is because you didn’t want to.”
Nodding weakly, I offered a half smile. “Thanks, Saw. For everything.”
“Stand up,” he asked, rising to his feet and opening his arms. “Let’s hug it out.”
“Um…”
“Just fucking do it.”
Shrugging casually, I
“You need to stop trying to put yourself in some sort of box,” Sawyer began. I opened my eyes to look at him, genuinely interested in what he had to say. “You’re not a conventional guy, Matt, and life isn’t black and white. There’s no rule that says you can only be attracted to certain people, or that you can’t change along the way. Sexuality is a long spectrum, and it’s okay to land anywhere on it.”
“I’m not sure what you’re saying.”
“I’m saying you connect with people . Always have. Not their gender, religion, sexuality or whatever. Just them . You’ve fallen in love with a person , with what’s inside , and I think that’s what’s scaring you the most.”
“Whoa…back the fuck down. You think I love him?”
“Hell I don’t know! Only you can answer that. But really, if it was anything less, I don’t think you’d be struggling so much.”
“So you’re saying I should just forget he’s got a dick?”
“Fuck no! For one, that would be impossible if you were ever to sleep with him. Have you even thought that far ahead? Do you want to sleep with him?”
“I’ve thought about it,” I confessed. There was no point lying to Sawyer. He knew me well enough to smell my bullshit three states away. “And it scares the shit outta me.”
“Scares you?”
“It’s like, I’ve been having sex since I was fifteen years old. I like to think I’m pretty experienced.”
“There aren’t many people who would argue that,” Sawyer interrupted, grinning.
“But with a guy? I wouldn’t have a clue where to start. I’d be like a virgin all over again.”
“I say this from experience. A man’s ‘heavenly warmth,’ doesn’t feel all that different from a woman’s. It’s common knowledge you’re a professional at giving it up the ass, so I think you’ll be fine.”
My head jerked back, sending a shock of pain down my neck. It wasn’t a lie, but also not something I’d advertised in the freakin’ newspaper. “How the fuck is that common knowledge?”
“You really have no idea how honest you are when you’re drunk, do you?”
“Wait…” I raised my hand, realization smacking me in the face. “Without going into how the hell you know that about me, you’re right. It’s always been my favorite way to take a chick. Do you think that means I’ve been secretly gay for all these years and not noticed?”
Sawyer laughed. Not an amused laugh, more a chuckle of disbelief. “No, Matt. I don’t. You can’t not notice you’re gay. The fact you like fucking ass means you like fucking ass. Some people like using dildos, doesn’t mean they want to marry one. Love, or whatever it is you feel for Alex, doesn’t come with a rulebook. You’ve found a connection with someone that goes beyond sex and attraction, probably for the first time in your life. That’s all that’s going on here. I don’t know if it can or will go any further, but like I’ve said a thousand times, you won’t know until you talk to him.”
I sighed heavily, finally resigning myself to the fact he was right. “But he won’t take my calls.”
“Then find him. Come on, dude. You know where he lives, where he goes. The only reason you haven’t spoken to him is because you didn’t want to.”
Nodding weakly, I offered a half smile. “Thanks, Saw. For everything.”
“Stand up,” he asked, rising to his feet and opening his arms. “Let’s hug it out.”
“Um…”
“Just fucking do it.”
Shrugging casually, I
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