the hand on Nik’s chest pulls into a fist. Nik’s hand covers it; his thumb brushes softly and tenderly across Aaron’s curled knuckles. “Please. Aaron, you left me, come the fuck on,” he whispers.
Fuck it, that might be fair . And anyway, maybe Nik’s right. The contact keeps Aaron a little looser, makes it impossible for him to build up a good head of steam, and as earned as his indignation might be, being close to Nik feels too good to let go of quite yet.
So Aaron stays there, body taut, staring straight past Nik and into the wall, and says, “I left you ? What are you talking about? You told me you weren’t coming with me to New York. I must have asked why a hundred times that month, and all you ever said was ‘It’s not possible’ and ‘I can’t.’ ‘Believe me, it’s not that I don’t want to’ and ‘Aaron, I love you, it doesn’t have to be like this.’ And what you asked was always ‘How could you do this to me? Don’t you love me?’ It wasn’t—I just couldn’t. ”
Nik sighs again and lifts his hand from Aaron’s to rub his eyes as if he’s waking up with a headache; Aaron knows the feeling. “It’s stupid, I know—within six months I felt like an asshole about it, because I let the whole thing happen, so that much is totally on me. But I didn’t know how to tell you how fucked up it all was. I wasn’t used to money being an issue, for one thing, and I was so embarrassed about that. And it was harder then, dealing with my dad—so much of what went on between me and him left me feeling like it was all my fault, and my mom was pretty much useless with that, at least at first—she didn’t know what to do either. She’s apologized for it since then, but man, talk about too late.
“By then Dad was angry about everything and had taken to saying snide things about you, about us, and I just… I couldn’t tell you how bad it was—how could I do that? You always came to me with stuff that was upsetting you—it felt so weird to even think about throwing all this stuff on the table. And I thought… I mean, not to be a dick about it, but I know you loved me, Aaron. I know you did, I felt it, and I never thought it could get that bad. And then once it was done, once you left and left me, I was just… God, so angry.”
“Nik, we told each other everything . I told you about my dad .”
“I know. I know . But this was hard for me like nothing had been before, not really. And I told myself that if you ever came to me and just asked , if you seemed like you really wanted to listen, then I would tell you, because I would know you were ready to hear it. But you never did. You assumed, right from the start, that it was something I was doing to you because I wanted to, and it was—God, Aaron, do you know what it felt like to know that you trusted me that little? After everything?”
Aaron lies there for a long time. Nik’s thumb continues to rub across his hand, and Nik’s other hand comes up to sink into the hair at the back of Aaron’s head, to hold him there. Aaron thinks back, lets himself really probe those six weeks of painful in-between.
Most of what he remembers is feeling incredibly injured, because Nik is right—that’s exactly what it felt like. It seemed Nik had done this to him, as if he’d thrown away everything they had, and the thing that’s most fucked up is that now he’s heard Nik’s story, of course that’s what happened. He can’t imagine that he ever thought otherwise, because Nik is right about that, too—Aaron does know him, has known him for years. Right now it seems absolutely insane to have thought, all these years, that Nik turned on a dime and decided to be cruel, to simply change his mind. Aaron has no idea how he could have ever thought that—and then, maybe he sort of does.
When Aaron was little, he thought he understood how love worked. He knew that you found your person and you stuck it out, even though sometimes it could be hard,
Fuck it, that might be fair . And anyway, maybe Nik’s right. The contact keeps Aaron a little looser, makes it impossible for him to build up a good head of steam, and as earned as his indignation might be, being close to Nik feels too good to let go of quite yet.
So Aaron stays there, body taut, staring straight past Nik and into the wall, and says, “I left you ? What are you talking about? You told me you weren’t coming with me to New York. I must have asked why a hundred times that month, and all you ever said was ‘It’s not possible’ and ‘I can’t.’ ‘Believe me, it’s not that I don’t want to’ and ‘Aaron, I love you, it doesn’t have to be like this.’ And what you asked was always ‘How could you do this to me? Don’t you love me?’ It wasn’t—I just couldn’t. ”
Nik sighs again and lifts his hand from Aaron’s to rub his eyes as if he’s waking up with a headache; Aaron knows the feeling. “It’s stupid, I know—within six months I felt like an asshole about it, because I let the whole thing happen, so that much is totally on me. But I didn’t know how to tell you how fucked up it all was. I wasn’t used to money being an issue, for one thing, and I was so embarrassed about that. And it was harder then, dealing with my dad—so much of what went on between me and him left me feeling like it was all my fault, and my mom was pretty much useless with that, at least at first—she didn’t know what to do either. She’s apologized for it since then, but man, talk about too late.
“By then Dad was angry about everything and had taken to saying snide things about you, about us, and I just… I couldn’t tell you how bad it was—how could I do that? You always came to me with stuff that was upsetting you—it felt so weird to even think about throwing all this stuff on the table. And I thought… I mean, not to be a dick about it, but I know you loved me, Aaron. I know you did, I felt it, and I never thought it could get that bad. And then once it was done, once you left and left me, I was just… God, so angry.”
“Nik, we told each other everything . I told you about my dad .”
“I know. I know . But this was hard for me like nothing had been before, not really. And I told myself that if you ever came to me and just asked , if you seemed like you really wanted to listen, then I would tell you, because I would know you were ready to hear it. But you never did. You assumed, right from the start, that it was something I was doing to you because I wanted to, and it was—God, Aaron, do you know what it felt like to know that you trusted me that little? After everything?”
Aaron lies there for a long time. Nik’s thumb continues to rub across his hand, and Nik’s other hand comes up to sink into the hair at the back of Aaron’s head, to hold him there. Aaron thinks back, lets himself really probe those six weeks of painful in-between.
Most of what he remembers is feeling incredibly injured, because Nik is right—that’s exactly what it felt like. It seemed Nik had done this to him, as if he’d thrown away everything they had, and the thing that’s most fucked up is that now he’s heard Nik’s story, of course that’s what happened. He can’t imagine that he ever thought otherwise, because Nik is right about that, too—Aaron does know him, has known him for years. Right now it seems absolutely insane to have thought, all these years, that Nik turned on a dime and decided to be cruel, to simply change his mind. Aaron has no idea how he could have ever thought that—and then, maybe he sort of does.
When Aaron was little, he thought he understood how love worked. He knew that you found your person and you stuck it out, even though sometimes it could be hard,
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