them talk at such length
with us because they talk so little with anyone else. Who other than his
wife does the man with no friends talk to? Who other than the friend
who seems to have her life together does the overburdened wife talk to?
Some people need our attention, but if the conversation is consistently
one-sided, maybe part of the reason is that we respond too passively.
62 THE YEARNING TO BE UNDERSTOOD
Sometimes speakers are hard to listen to because they’re unaware of
what they’ve said—or of its infuriating implications. When the listener
reacts to what is implied, the speaker responds with righteous indignation,
wounded by the listener’s “overreaction.” If a mother says to her teen-
age daughter “Is that what you’re wearing to school?” and the daughter
bursts into tears and says “You’re always criticizing me!” the mother might
protest that the daughter is reacting unreasonably. “All I said was ‘Is that
what you’re wearing to school?’ How come you get so upset about a simple
question?” Such questions are as simple as parents are free of judgment and
children are free of sensitivity to it.
My father has a way of packing what feels like a whole lot of belit-
tling into one little innocent statement that drives me crazy. If I tell him
that something is so, even when it’s not something particularly unusual or
controversial, he’ll often say “It could be.” Arghh!! I think he does this
because he can’t tolerate overt conflict. So if you tell him something he
didn’t know or isn’t convinced is the case, he says “It could be.” To me, this
feels worse than an argument. An argument, you can argue with. “It could
be” makes you feel discounted. One consequence of these interchanges is
that I have become stubborn in my opinions. Having had my fill of being
doubted, I can’t stand not to be believed when I’m stating a fact. Like the
fact that Lake Champlain is one of the five Great Lakes.
In case you think I’ve slid from talking about speakers to complaining
about listeners, you’re right. While it’s possible in the abstract to separate
speakers and listeners, in practice they are inextricably intertwined. Lis-
tening is codetermined.
Some people are hard to listen to because they say so little, or at least
little of a personal nature. If the urge to voice true feelings to sympathetic
ears is such a basic human motive, why are so many people numb and
silent? Because life happens to them— slights, hurts, cruelty, mockery, and
shame. These things are hard on the heart.
We come to relationships wounded. Longing for attention, we don’t
always get it. Expecting to be taken seriously, we get argued with or ignored.
Needing to share our feelings, we run into criticism or unwanted advice.
Opening up and getting no response, or worse, humiliation, is like walking
into a wall in the dark. If this happens often enough, we shut down and
erect our own walls.
How Communication Breaks Down 63
Although a speaker’s reticence may be seen as a personality trait, such
tendencies are really nothing more than habits based on expectations
formed from past relationships.
People who don’t talk to us are people
who don’t expect us to listen.
Therapists who encounter resistance to speaking freely engage in
what is called defense analysis —pointing out to the patient that he is hold-
ing back, how he is holding back (perhaps by talking about trivia), and
speculating about what might be on his mind and why he might hesitate
to bring it up. Therapists have license that the average person lacks to ask
such probing questions, but it’s not against the law to inquire if a friend
is finding it difficult to open up for some reason or to point out that she
doesn’t seem to talk much about herself. We shape our relationships by
our response.
“No, Everything’s Fine . . . ”
When you ask someone if something is wrong and the answer
with us because they talk so little with anyone else. Who other than his
wife does the man with no friends talk to? Who other than the friend
who seems to have her life together does the overburdened wife talk to?
Some people need our attention, but if the conversation is consistently
one-sided, maybe part of the reason is that we respond too passively.
62 THE YEARNING TO BE UNDERSTOOD
Sometimes speakers are hard to listen to because they’re unaware of
what they’ve said—or of its infuriating implications. When the listener
reacts to what is implied, the speaker responds with righteous indignation,
wounded by the listener’s “overreaction.” If a mother says to her teen-
age daughter “Is that what you’re wearing to school?” and the daughter
bursts into tears and says “You’re always criticizing me!” the mother might
protest that the daughter is reacting unreasonably. “All I said was ‘Is that
what you’re wearing to school?’ How come you get so upset about a simple
question?” Such questions are as simple as parents are free of judgment and
children are free of sensitivity to it.
My father has a way of packing what feels like a whole lot of belit-
tling into one little innocent statement that drives me crazy. If I tell him
that something is so, even when it’s not something particularly unusual or
controversial, he’ll often say “It could be.” Arghh!! I think he does this
because he can’t tolerate overt conflict. So if you tell him something he
didn’t know or isn’t convinced is the case, he says “It could be.” To me, this
feels worse than an argument. An argument, you can argue with. “It could
be” makes you feel discounted. One consequence of these interchanges is
that I have become stubborn in my opinions. Having had my fill of being
doubted, I can’t stand not to be believed when I’m stating a fact. Like the
fact that Lake Champlain is one of the five Great Lakes.
In case you think I’ve slid from talking about speakers to complaining
about listeners, you’re right. While it’s possible in the abstract to separate
speakers and listeners, in practice they are inextricably intertwined. Lis-
tening is codetermined.
Some people are hard to listen to because they say so little, or at least
little of a personal nature. If the urge to voice true feelings to sympathetic
ears is such a basic human motive, why are so many people numb and
silent? Because life happens to them— slights, hurts, cruelty, mockery, and
shame. These things are hard on the heart.
We come to relationships wounded. Longing for attention, we don’t
always get it. Expecting to be taken seriously, we get argued with or ignored.
Needing to share our feelings, we run into criticism or unwanted advice.
Opening up and getting no response, or worse, humiliation, is like walking
into a wall in the dark. If this happens often enough, we shut down and
erect our own walls.
How Communication Breaks Down 63
Although a speaker’s reticence may be seen as a personality trait, such
tendencies are really nothing more than habits based on expectations
formed from past relationships.
People who don’t talk to us are people
who don’t expect us to listen.
Therapists who encounter resistance to speaking freely engage in
what is called defense analysis —pointing out to the patient that he is hold-
ing back, how he is holding back (perhaps by talking about trivia), and
speculating about what might be on his mind and why he might hesitate
to bring it up. Therapists have license that the average person lacks to ask
such probing questions, but it’s not against the law to inquire if a friend
is finding it difficult to open up for some reason or to point out that she
doesn’t seem to talk much about herself. We shape our relationships by
our response.
“No, Everything’s Fine . . . ”
When you ask someone if something is wrong and the answer
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