mine, my brain switched off. He nudged at my mouth, gently plucking my lips between his own. He drew back a little. “Is that okay?”
Was it? I didn’t know. I didn’t care. And I couldn’t talk. I leaned in and kissed him. He groaned into my mouth and pulled me roughly against his chest. It made me feel weak and flushed at once. It was so different from how he’d touched me before— and he was an affectionate guy, he hugged me often. But this embrace was… carnal.
I shoved closer to him, pressed our bodies as tightly together as I could, letting my hands travel over every bit of him I could reach. He seemed to melt against me, his body going soft and responsive— well, except for the one part of him that wasn’t soft at all. He nipped at my lips with his teeth, and I ground my dick against his.
I pulled away enough to break the kiss, then dove into the warm, slightly damp skin between his neck and shoulder. This was crazy. I knew he didn’t love me. He didn’t have boyfriends, he had hookups. But with his hands on my skin and in my hair, and holy fuck, down my pants, it was hard to remember why that mattered.
“What do you like?” he murmured into my ear, his breath tickling. My whole body felt hot, and I realized that the expression “turned on” meant so much more than just being horny. Horny was impersonal. Horny could be solved with my hand. This was anything but. This intense chemistry was Kevin and years of friendship and desire and being there for each other— it was like being lit up from the inside out because it was us.
“What do you mean?” I licked at the salty skin of his throat, reveling in it.
“I mean, what do you like?” He pulled back a little to look in my eyes, and I pulled him into another kiss. He ground against me, hard, then pulled away again. “Come on, Nick, I’m not gonna get all judgy. I’m verse, I’ll do whatever, but you know— I want to make you happy.” His grin was sweet and a little shy.
I blushed, this time not from arousal, but embarrassment. “I’ve never…”
His eyes grew wide. “You’re a… wait. No, that guy at the club that time— you guys were…”
He trailed off and stared at me. “You’re a virgin?”
Fuck. I untangled myself from his arms and legs, wondering how the hell we got so intertwined so quickly. “Yeah.”
He pressed further. “You mean, anal right? You’ve done other stuff? BJs, dry-humping, mutual jerk-offs…”
How much more embarrassing could this get? “This is a mistake.”
I tried to sit up, but he pulled me down. “Wait a minute, Nick. Why? For fuck’s sake, what are you saving yourself for? It’s not like you can get married. I mean, come on.” He laughed, and my flush deepened. Of course he wouldn’t get it; he’s the king of the one night stand.
“Just forget it. Forget all of it.” I shoved away from him, humiliated. I didn’t expect him to understand— he didn’t grow up the way I did— but I certainly didn’t expect him to make fun of me either.
“Aww, come on, Nick, stay. I want you to stay tonight.”
Tonight. One night. I could stay there, lose my virginity to the guy I loved, and walk away in the morning knowing he’d never love me back.
No. I couldn’t do it.
“I deserve better.” I said softly. “I want my first time to be about love, not just being comfortable and being scared of the future. I want it to be special.”
I swallowed around a lump forming in my throat. I had to get out of there.
“I have to go.” I stood up and straightened my clothes.
I crossed the room to the door, which hell, we hadn’t even locked , and as I opened it, I took one last look over my shoulder at him. Confusion and something like pity warred for dominance on his face. I closed the door behind me, and I practically ran to my own room. Hurt, ashamed, and alone, I threw his new cell phone number in the trashcan outside.
****
Chapter One
November 2013
I’m the master of the
Was it? I didn’t know. I didn’t care. And I couldn’t talk. I leaned in and kissed him. He groaned into my mouth and pulled me roughly against his chest. It made me feel weak and flushed at once. It was so different from how he’d touched me before— and he was an affectionate guy, he hugged me often. But this embrace was… carnal.
I shoved closer to him, pressed our bodies as tightly together as I could, letting my hands travel over every bit of him I could reach. He seemed to melt against me, his body going soft and responsive— well, except for the one part of him that wasn’t soft at all. He nipped at my lips with his teeth, and I ground my dick against his.
I pulled away enough to break the kiss, then dove into the warm, slightly damp skin between his neck and shoulder. This was crazy. I knew he didn’t love me. He didn’t have boyfriends, he had hookups. But with his hands on my skin and in my hair, and holy fuck, down my pants, it was hard to remember why that mattered.
“What do you like?” he murmured into my ear, his breath tickling. My whole body felt hot, and I realized that the expression “turned on” meant so much more than just being horny. Horny was impersonal. Horny could be solved with my hand. This was anything but. This intense chemistry was Kevin and years of friendship and desire and being there for each other— it was like being lit up from the inside out because it was us.
“What do you mean?” I licked at the salty skin of his throat, reveling in it.
“I mean, what do you like?” He pulled back a little to look in my eyes, and I pulled him into another kiss. He ground against me, hard, then pulled away again. “Come on, Nick, I’m not gonna get all judgy. I’m verse, I’ll do whatever, but you know— I want to make you happy.” His grin was sweet and a little shy.
I blushed, this time not from arousal, but embarrassment. “I’ve never…”
His eyes grew wide. “You’re a… wait. No, that guy at the club that time— you guys were…”
He trailed off and stared at me. “You’re a virgin?”
Fuck. I untangled myself from his arms and legs, wondering how the hell we got so intertwined so quickly. “Yeah.”
He pressed further. “You mean, anal right? You’ve done other stuff? BJs, dry-humping, mutual jerk-offs…”
How much more embarrassing could this get? “This is a mistake.”
I tried to sit up, but he pulled me down. “Wait a minute, Nick. Why? For fuck’s sake, what are you saving yourself for? It’s not like you can get married. I mean, come on.” He laughed, and my flush deepened. Of course he wouldn’t get it; he’s the king of the one night stand.
“Just forget it. Forget all of it.” I shoved away from him, humiliated. I didn’t expect him to understand— he didn’t grow up the way I did— but I certainly didn’t expect him to make fun of me either.
“Aww, come on, Nick, stay. I want you to stay tonight.”
Tonight. One night. I could stay there, lose my virginity to the guy I loved, and walk away in the morning knowing he’d never love me back.
No. I couldn’t do it.
“I deserve better.” I said softly. “I want my first time to be about love, not just being comfortable and being scared of the future. I want it to be special.”
I swallowed around a lump forming in my throat. I had to get out of there.
“I have to go.” I stood up and straightened my clothes.
I crossed the room to the door, which hell, we hadn’t even locked , and as I opened it, I took one last look over my shoulder at him. Confusion and something like pity warred for dominance on his face. I closed the door behind me, and I practically ran to my own room. Hurt, ashamed, and alone, I threw his new cell phone number in the trashcan outside.
****
Chapter One
November 2013
I’m the master of the
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