to someone your entire life even when emotions are absent? Emotions come and go, it’s how much we love when they go that shows what kind of person we really are.
I didn’t want to be selfish. Andy was a good guy. He loved me as much as he could love a person. It may not had been the love story of my dreams, but the beauty of some love stories isn’t so much in the highs as it is the lows.
Our drive south was peaceful. Riley did well, although I had to climb in the back and nurse her a few times. We ended up in Baltimore, but Andy feared being so close to D.C. so we traveled further west to Frederick County, right by the West Virginia line. We checked into a hotel and planned to find an apartment the next day.
Life has a way of tripping you. Just when you think you’re walking along to a better path, the road starts shaking and the earth cracks. You fall into a ditch and realize that you can’t get out. Two options, sit in the ditch and complain the rest of your life. Or, sit in the ditch and tell yourself the view is quite beautiful.
I figured I’d spend my life telling myself, but never really believing, that the view is better from the depth of a canyon than it is from the height of a mountain.
I thought about her words for so long that she picked her book back up and read until she fell asleep. I turned the light off and went to my room. I wasn’t content in my singleness. Not at all. I didn’t want a friend. I wanted a husband. Someone to experience life with. All of life. Ups and downs and in-betweens.
I woke up in the middle of the night to the hotel’s rattling heater. Riley slept beside the bed in a pack-n-play. Sweet, peaceful baby. I turned to Andy. Sweat covered his body. Again. I watched him sleep. Put my hand against his chest. His heart was racing. Really fast. He moved his hands. Eyes still closed. Looked like he was trying to button his shirt, only his shirt had no buttons.
I tapped his shoulder. He flung his body into a sitting position.
“Andy, you’re doing weird things in your sleep. Are you okay?”
He exhaled. “Where are we?”
“In the hotel.”
“I can’t sleep. I just lay here all night. Every night.” His speech was slow and slurred.
“You need to see a doctor. I think something’s wrong.”
“Nothing’s wrong. I can’t sleep, that’s all.”
“We’re going to the doctor tomorrow, Andy. If you don’t I am going to call the cops on you and tell them everything.”
His head hit the pillow. “Where are we?”
“The hotel.”
“Which state?”
“Maryland.”
Ch. 20 | Patrick
A week passed since I last spoke with Heidi. Hate to sound pathetic, but I caved in and went to her house. Still had my spare key, so I walked in when no one answered the door. House was clean. Wherever she went she didn’t take much.
I saw an envelope addressed to me on the kitchen table. After smelling it, I opened it and read.
Dear Patrick,
I’m so sorry to have brought you into the mess of my life. There’s so much more than I’ve shared. Andy made me promise not to tell a soul. I hope you can appreciate my desire to keep promises, no matter what it costs me.
I’ve realized some things, Pat. My time with you taught me a lot. You’ve shown me that the heart can live again after it stops beating. You’ve shown me that true love starts from the inside and works its way out. And more than anything ... you’ve shown me that two people can love each other mutually, more than they love their own selves.
I know my actions are hard to understand. Please know that I needed to leave and my love for you is part of the reason. You deserve happiness. You deserve better than me, Patrick. I know you would shake your head and say it’s not true. What is true ... is that you’re the sweetest guy I’ve ever known and it kills me that I may never know you again.
One day, after you’ve moved on and started a family with a beautiful wife, I will tell you
I didn’t want to be selfish. Andy was a good guy. He loved me as much as he could love a person. It may not had been the love story of my dreams, but the beauty of some love stories isn’t so much in the highs as it is the lows.
Our drive south was peaceful. Riley did well, although I had to climb in the back and nurse her a few times. We ended up in Baltimore, but Andy feared being so close to D.C. so we traveled further west to Frederick County, right by the West Virginia line. We checked into a hotel and planned to find an apartment the next day.
Life has a way of tripping you. Just when you think you’re walking along to a better path, the road starts shaking and the earth cracks. You fall into a ditch and realize that you can’t get out. Two options, sit in the ditch and complain the rest of your life. Or, sit in the ditch and tell yourself the view is quite beautiful.
I figured I’d spend my life telling myself, but never really believing, that the view is better from the depth of a canyon than it is from the height of a mountain.
I thought about her words for so long that she picked her book back up and read until she fell asleep. I turned the light off and went to my room. I wasn’t content in my singleness. Not at all. I didn’t want a friend. I wanted a husband. Someone to experience life with. All of life. Ups and downs and in-betweens.
I woke up in the middle of the night to the hotel’s rattling heater. Riley slept beside the bed in a pack-n-play. Sweet, peaceful baby. I turned to Andy. Sweat covered his body. Again. I watched him sleep. Put my hand against his chest. His heart was racing. Really fast. He moved his hands. Eyes still closed. Looked like he was trying to button his shirt, only his shirt had no buttons.
I tapped his shoulder. He flung his body into a sitting position.
“Andy, you’re doing weird things in your sleep. Are you okay?”
He exhaled. “Where are we?”
“In the hotel.”
“I can’t sleep. I just lay here all night. Every night.” His speech was slow and slurred.
“You need to see a doctor. I think something’s wrong.”
“Nothing’s wrong. I can’t sleep, that’s all.”
“We’re going to the doctor tomorrow, Andy. If you don’t I am going to call the cops on you and tell them everything.”
His head hit the pillow. “Where are we?”
“The hotel.”
“Which state?”
“Maryland.”
Ch. 20 | Patrick
A week passed since I last spoke with Heidi. Hate to sound pathetic, but I caved in and went to her house. Still had my spare key, so I walked in when no one answered the door. House was clean. Wherever she went she didn’t take much.
I saw an envelope addressed to me on the kitchen table. After smelling it, I opened it and read.
Dear Patrick,
I’m so sorry to have brought you into the mess of my life. There’s so much more than I’ve shared. Andy made me promise not to tell a soul. I hope you can appreciate my desire to keep promises, no matter what it costs me.
I’ve realized some things, Pat. My time with you taught me a lot. You’ve shown me that the heart can live again after it stops beating. You’ve shown me that true love starts from the inside and works its way out. And more than anything ... you’ve shown me that two people can love each other mutually, more than they love their own selves.
I know my actions are hard to understand. Please know that I needed to leave and my love for you is part of the reason. You deserve happiness. You deserve better than me, Patrick. I know you would shake your head and say it’s not true. What is true ... is that you’re the sweetest guy I’ve ever known and it kills me that I may never know you again.
One day, after you’ve moved on and started a family with a beautiful wife, I will tell you
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