intellect who has wasted his brain by absorbing millions of facts and figures and never assimilating them into anything useful. He is a walking encyclopedia of facts that you would never need to know, like the train timetables of ten years ago, or the acreage of Norway, or the person who didn’t win the 1923 presidential elections in Mausoleum. He is a fountain of useless facts and figures that bore to death all who come near, but if anyone can answer your questions, it is he.’
William of Anorak was not difficult to find. He was at Hereford’s main railway station on Platform 6, staring at the rolling stock. He was about fifty and dressed in a hooded cloak of a rough material, tied at the waist with baling twine. He was nearly bald and peered out at me through thick pebble spectacles. I noticed that he wore sandals carved from old car tyres and a duffel coat that was so worn and threadbare that only the buttons remained.
I hailed him and he looked up, gave a wan smile and replied to my greeting:
‘ The Audio chameleon changes sound to fit in with its surroundings. On a busy street it sounds like a road drill, but in the front room it makes a noise like a ticking clock . Good day!’
‘My name is Jennifer Strange,’ I said, ‘I have need of your services.’
‘William of Anorak,’ said William of Anorak, offering a grubby hand and adding quickly: ‘ The Magna Carta was signed in 1215 at the bottom, just below where it says: “all who agree, sign here ”.’
He turned back to a coal truck and started to scribble a number in a dirty notebook held open by an elastic band.
‘I need to know where to find the last Dragonslayer,’ I said following him down the row of coal trucks.
‘I was last asked that question twenty-three years, two months and six hours ago. The only fish that begins and ends with a “K” other than the Killer Shark is the King-sized portion of haddock .’
‘And what was your answer?’
‘ The record number of pockets in a single pair of trousers is nine hundred and seventy-two. Only three had zippers, and the combined loose change was enough to buy a goat at 1766 prices . Four hundred moolah, please.’
‘Four hundred?’ I repeated incredulously. My only possession was my Volkswagen Beetle, and it was barely worth a tenth of what he was asking.
‘Four hundred moolah,’ replied William of Anorak firmly, ‘in cash. The secretions of the ultra-rare Desert Shridloo are said to have remarkable properties. The other remarkable thing about a Desert Shridloo is that it doesn’t live in the desert .’
‘Do you have to keep on reeling off useless facts?’
‘Unfortunately so,’ replied William of Anorak, adjusting his glasses, ‘I have over seven million facts in my head and if I don’t repeat them to myself in order I run the risk of forgetting them completely. Milton wrote Samson Agonistes. Would you like to hear it?’
‘No thanks,’ I said hurriedly. ‘Who was it who said: “Never commit anything to memory you can’t look up?”’
‘It was Albert Einstein and I see your point, yet I am as much a victim of my own powers as those who have the misfortune to stay in my company. You have been here over five minutes; that is better than most. Most people prefer carpooling when other people do it, and the average number of pips in a tangerine is 5.368 .’
‘I have no money,’ I implored, ‘not even a twenty-moolah note. But to know the answer to my question I will gladly give you everything I possess.’
‘Which is? An anagram of Moonlight is thin gloom, and the average Troll can eat fifteen legs at one sitting .’
‘A 1958 Volkswagen Beetle with an MOT that expires next week, a few books and half a piano.’
William of Anorak looked up and stopped scribbling in his pad.
‘ The most favourite boy’s name is James; the least favourite is Gzxkls . How can you have half a piano?’
‘It’s a long story, but basically I’m a musical duet penfriend with
William of Anorak was not difficult to find. He was at Hereford’s main railway station on Platform 6, staring at the rolling stock. He was about fifty and dressed in a hooded cloak of a rough material, tied at the waist with baling twine. He was nearly bald and peered out at me through thick pebble spectacles. I noticed that he wore sandals carved from old car tyres and a duffel coat that was so worn and threadbare that only the buttons remained.
I hailed him and he looked up, gave a wan smile and replied to my greeting:
‘ The Audio chameleon changes sound to fit in with its surroundings. On a busy street it sounds like a road drill, but in the front room it makes a noise like a ticking clock . Good day!’
‘My name is Jennifer Strange,’ I said, ‘I have need of your services.’
‘William of Anorak,’ said William of Anorak, offering a grubby hand and adding quickly: ‘ The Magna Carta was signed in 1215 at the bottom, just below where it says: “all who agree, sign here ”.’
He turned back to a coal truck and started to scribble a number in a dirty notebook held open by an elastic band.
‘I need to know where to find the last Dragonslayer,’ I said following him down the row of coal trucks.
‘I was last asked that question twenty-three years, two months and six hours ago. The only fish that begins and ends with a “K” other than the Killer Shark is the King-sized portion of haddock .’
‘And what was your answer?’
‘ The record number of pockets in a single pair of trousers is nine hundred and seventy-two. Only three had zippers, and the combined loose change was enough to buy a goat at 1766 prices . Four hundred moolah, please.’
‘Four hundred?’ I repeated incredulously. My only possession was my Volkswagen Beetle, and it was barely worth a tenth of what he was asking.
‘Four hundred moolah,’ replied William of Anorak firmly, ‘in cash. The secretions of the ultra-rare Desert Shridloo are said to have remarkable properties. The other remarkable thing about a Desert Shridloo is that it doesn’t live in the desert .’
‘Do you have to keep on reeling off useless facts?’
‘Unfortunately so,’ replied William of Anorak, adjusting his glasses, ‘I have over seven million facts in my head and if I don’t repeat them to myself in order I run the risk of forgetting them completely. Milton wrote Samson Agonistes. Would you like to hear it?’
‘No thanks,’ I said hurriedly. ‘Who was it who said: “Never commit anything to memory you can’t look up?”’
‘It was Albert Einstein and I see your point, yet I am as much a victim of my own powers as those who have the misfortune to stay in my company. You have been here over five minutes; that is better than most. Most people prefer carpooling when other people do it, and the average number of pips in a tangerine is 5.368 .’
‘I have no money,’ I implored, ‘not even a twenty-moolah note. But to know the answer to my question I will gladly give you everything I possess.’
‘Which is? An anagram of Moonlight is thin gloom, and the average Troll can eat fifteen legs at one sitting .’
‘A 1958 Volkswagen Beetle with an MOT that expires next week, a few books and half a piano.’
William of Anorak looked up and stopped scribbling in his pad.
‘ The most favourite boy’s name is James; the least favourite is Gzxkls . How can you have half a piano?’
‘It’s a long story, but basically I’m a musical duet penfriend with
Similar Books
