The Housewife Assassin's Handbook by Josie Brown

(Note: save the rat poison for another time.) 
    Remember: Their homemade gifts make wonderful keepsakes. And of course, your own gift to him should be more intimate, if you catch my drift. For example, if he’s into roleplaying, why not let him hold the whip this time? Or at the very least, allow him to come up with the safety word…

    I can’t believe I’m writing this:
    I may have been wrong about Jack.
    Sure, he’s a slob. But he’s also a superlative operative. He’s only been here forty-eight hours, and already he’s mapped Hilldale into quadrants, and created preliminary profiles on everyone living here: not a small feat, considering it encompasses over seven hundred households.
    “Emma, I’d like you to start by gathering intel on which houses in Hilldale have sold in the past two years, and to whom. Do the same with homes that are being rented. Let’s focus on those who have been tenants at least since then. No spouse or no kids is a red flag.”
    “What about having Emma tapping into the credit check agencies?” I ask.
    Jack shrugs. “That’s a waste of time. The Quorum builds back stops that are as tight as a gnat’s ass—”
    Well, excuse me for asking.
    “—But certainly these suspects merit satellite surveillances and GPS tracking. We may have to stoop to some dumpster diving. What they don’t put out in their trash is just as telling as what they do dump out there.” He frowns. “If we draw blanks, we’ll have to assume that they’ve been planted for several years now.”
    I shake my head at the thought that I may have been living within a few hundred feet of my nemesis.
    “Yes, boss,” Emma answers him reverentially. Obviously they’ve worked together before. Well, whatever he’s done has impressed her enough for her to tamp down her usually snarky wit in Jack’s presence.
    “We’ll also need a complete rundown on all the businesses here in Hilldale. By my calculation, there are sixty-two of them. Don’t just profile the employers and shop owners. Include all employees, even those who come in from the outside. It’s a tedious process, I know. But unfortunately it’s the only way to eliminate all possible suspects.”
    A faint tingle goes up my arm when Jack touches it as he shifts past me in order to click onto a different file on Emma’s computer screen. To shrug it off, I add, “Emma will have to tap into SafeTek, the security company that services Hilldale. Any business within these walls has to register its name and telephone number, along with the DMV licenses and auto registrations of its staffers.”
    Emma gives a slight nod. “Piece of cake. I’ll also need to hack into the employee and vendor databases of Hilldale’s schools. I’m presuming not all the teachers can afford to live here in Xanadu, and there are a few transfer students, too.” 
    “All parents can log onto the school’s server, in order to track their children’s class grades and text a teacher or principal, as needed. By using mine, I imagine you can hack into the server to get what you need?”
    “Yep, no problem.” Emma smiles confidently. “And don’t worry; I won’t need your code to do it.”
    “That’s my girl,” murmurs Jack.
    So, it’s a mutual admiration society.
    I’m not jealous. I’d just like to know a little background on their relationship. It’s not easy being odd man out, especially on your home turf…
    Seriously, I’m not jealous.
    Okay, maybe just a little.

    “I just love what you’ve done with that bunting, Donna! It’s so creative!”
    Penelope’s gushing praise of my party decorating talents is making me ill. She’s been doing it all morning long as we turn Hilldale Middle School’s gym into a crepe paper fantasy of a tropical paradise in tones of aquamarine and sunset sherbet for the Father-Daughter dance tonight.
    Who does she think she’s kidding? As if I don’t know why she’s sucking up to me—
    Because I’ve got something she’d like to get