The Housewife Assassin's Guide to Gracious Killing by Josie Brown

you serve him yourself?”
    “What? No.”
    “Too bad.” Alan sounds depressed. “I left a copy of the summons, with your aunt, along with your signed papers. She didn’t give them to you?”
    “No, I’m… I’m staying at a friend’s. He showed up over here.” The thought of serving Carl has me fully awake. “Alan, I won’t be able to serve him myself. You see, I’m at work. But if I give you Carl’s location and schedule, you can take care of it, right?”
     “Just tell me when and where, and I’ll get Bulldog over there.”
    “Um… Bulldog?”
    “My best process server. He’s got a one-hundred percent success rate.”
    “Super! I’ll text it right over.”
    “Booyah!” Obviously, Alan is psyched.
    Okay, now I am too. “Booyah!” I shout back.
    I need coffee. Or a lobotomy. 
    No, what I need is a divorce.
     

    I call down to the kitchen to order breakfast in bed. I deserve it, right? It’s been a hell of a week, and it’s just started. 
    “Madame has a preference for her eggs?” the disembodied voice at the other end of the phone asks.
    “Three of them: sunny side up, please. And French toast. And lots of bacon, crisp.”
    “Madame has a healthy appetite.”
    “Madame thinks you should mind your own business.” I slam down the phone receiver. It’s my pity party, and I’ll eat if I want to.
    I open the bathroom door to discover I am indeed alone. Arnie has successfully removed the corpse of the assassin maid from the bathtub. He must have done it while I slept. I wonder if Jack let him in, or if he’d already taken off before Arnie got here.
    I wonder where Jack is now. 
    This thought has me aching for him. 
    I should take a cold shower, but instead I run the water just this side of hot.
    I’m about to jump in when I hear a ping on my cell phone. Emma has just texted me President Asimov’s itinerary, which she pulled off the shadow feed. In the two days prior to POTUS’s arrival, he will see and be seen all over Hilldale. And since Carl will have to tag along, Bulldog has several opportunities to slap him with the summons. 
    Today’s photo ops include a ten o’clock meeting with the mayor, in which he will be given the key to the city. Then, at eleven o’clock, he’ll stop by the local middle school, where he’ll answer questions from Mary’s class, the eighth-graders, who have been studying world geography and international current events. 
    After a lunch back at the Breck homestead, Asimov will meet with the press. 
    Babette and I will join whatever summit attendees have arrived for a sumptuous dinner. Afterward, Breck and Asimov are having a private confab with a few of them, in his office. Jack isn’t invited, but by then we’ll have the bug in place, thank goodness.
    The following afternoon, Asimov is treating the summit’s guests to a grand performance of the Kiev Ballet, which is in town for the week. Babette has arranged for the students in Janie’s ballet class to attend, as well as her new BFFs, the members of the Hilldale Women’s Club. Needless to say, Trisha and her friends are beside themselves. I imagine the same can be said about their mothers.
    And finally, that evening, unbeknownst to Babette, Breck has arranged for a surprise birthday extravaganza for her. The theme is a circus, which will be set up somewhere on their estate.
    Speaking of clowns, I text Emma a request to yank a straight-on picture of Carl off the security feed. A second later, I’ve received it. I pass it forward to Alan via text message, along with Carl’s whereabouts over the next couple of days. 
    One way or another, I’ll be a free woman.
    Maybe freer than I want to be. 
    I’m just about to jump into the shower when there is a knock on the door. This time I’m smart enough to ask, “Who is it?” before opening it.
    “Your breakfast, Madame.”
    Yea! That was quick. I open the door—
    Carl is holding my tray. “Rise and shine, sleepy head.”
    “Sorry, not what I