heard. He went on observing Hendricks and the empty unnatural city garden, because they were there to be looked at. That's a really mean character, Hendricks thought; he despises without caring. If you despise, you've got to know what you think is respectable; you can't despise and let it lie and not demand or hope for something better.
'Do you just want to share this bench or do you want to talk?' Hendricks asked.
It seemed to him that the doctor shrugged, slightly; he took this as a sign that the doctor agreed to listen. I'll make him answer me, Hendricks thought, I'll force him to commit himself one way or another. He can't get away with following me around and sneering and not explaining himself.
'I am afraid of time,' Hendricks announced. 'You're pleased, aren't you? You knew I was afraid of something; all your patients have to be afraid of something. You wouldn't be in business unless people were scared silly and wanted to talk about it. Okay, put that in your goddamned notebook; I'm scared of time.'
The doctor did not move, wrote down nothing; it was necessary for Hendricks to turn so he could see the doctor's face.
'If you are not amused,' Hendricks said, 'just get up and go. I'm not trying to hold your attention, Doc old boy. I was sitting here first. I can talk to any number of people without paying them, you know. Besides, I'm busy.'
At this, the quickest faintest smile passed over the doctor's eyes.
'I have managed my life very well,' said Hendricks, with dignity, ignoring the doctor's mirth, 'and I am almost forty-seven, which is a lot of time to have gone through, believe me. Now, for no reason that I can see, it's out of my hands. If I knew why, I'd be perfectly all right. Don't think I'm worried about money. If I never write another line there'll be enough money. I've made plenty, it's been put away, invested, there'd be a decent income from now on. June might leave me; she likes having a lot of money and a lot of people and she likes to think I'm important so she can think she's important. I don't care a damn if June leaves; I'm used to her but I can live without her. Also don't go off on that routine stuff about sex, my sex is fine. I've been a writer a long time and it's the only work I know how to do, but it's just work. I haven't got any mission to express myself or tell people something they ought to know or make beautiful sentences. I'm a professional; I write because I know how to and that's the way I make money. It's only time, time is the thing.'
Time, he thought, the years of it behind, day after day, and the years ahead; time is anguish.
Dr Raumwitz was not concerned, sat still, comfortable in his starch, with his bright frozen eyes. Hendricks felt he had been tricked into talking, so he could be insulted by this indifference. Nobody could be as indifferent as Dr Raumwitz unless doing it on purpose, as an act, to prove power.
'Stuff you,' Hendricks said furiously. 'Get the hell off this bench. You smug bastard, you think time is easy, don't you? You think I don't want to admit I was in love with my mother or my father or whoever the hell you're supposed to be in love with, or I was happy in the womb or I've got a yen for little boys with curly eyelashes. You ignorant condescending son of a bitch. I deserve it for talking to you in the first place.'
Without haste, as if he were alone on the bench, Dr Raumwitz rose and vanished. Matthew Hendricks rubbed his rain-damp hand over his eyes; he had the hollow breathless feeling of having fallen miles, in an elevator, in an aeroplane, he was afraid he would be sick. He sat very still and breathed slowly until the emptiness and the cold and the nausea were under control. I've got to do something about this, he told himself, now, quick; find people, talk, drink; I'll tell June to invite friends, to get theatre tickets, I'll fill up the time. What difference does it make if I don't work for a month? Probably I've worked too long. I could get a
'Do you just want to share this bench or do you want to talk?' Hendricks asked.
It seemed to him that the doctor shrugged, slightly; he took this as a sign that the doctor agreed to listen. I'll make him answer me, Hendricks thought, I'll force him to commit himself one way or another. He can't get away with following me around and sneering and not explaining himself.
'I am afraid of time,' Hendricks announced. 'You're pleased, aren't you? You knew I was afraid of something; all your patients have to be afraid of something. You wouldn't be in business unless people were scared silly and wanted to talk about it. Okay, put that in your goddamned notebook; I'm scared of time.'
The doctor did not move, wrote down nothing; it was necessary for Hendricks to turn so he could see the doctor's face.
'If you are not amused,' Hendricks said, 'just get up and go. I'm not trying to hold your attention, Doc old boy. I was sitting here first. I can talk to any number of people without paying them, you know. Besides, I'm busy.'
At this, the quickest faintest smile passed over the doctor's eyes.
'I have managed my life very well,' said Hendricks, with dignity, ignoring the doctor's mirth, 'and I am almost forty-seven, which is a lot of time to have gone through, believe me. Now, for no reason that I can see, it's out of my hands. If I knew why, I'd be perfectly all right. Don't think I'm worried about money. If I never write another line there'll be enough money. I've made plenty, it's been put away, invested, there'd be a decent income from now on. June might leave me; she likes having a lot of money and a lot of people and she likes to think I'm important so she can think she's important. I don't care a damn if June leaves; I'm used to her but I can live without her. Also don't go off on that routine stuff about sex, my sex is fine. I've been a writer a long time and it's the only work I know how to do, but it's just work. I haven't got any mission to express myself or tell people something they ought to know or make beautiful sentences. I'm a professional; I write because I know how to and that's the way I make money. It's only time, time is the thing.'
Time, he thought, the years of it behind, day after day, and the years ahead; time is anguish.
Dr Raumwitz was not concerned, sat still, comfortable in his starch, with his bright frozen eyes. Hendricks felt he had been tricked into talking, so he could be insulted by this indifference. Nobody could be as indifferent as Dr Raumwitz unless doing it on purpose, as an act, to prove power.
'Stuff you,' Hendricks said furiously. 'Get the hell off this bench. You smug bastard, you think time is easy, don't you? You think I don't want to admit I was in love with my mother or my father or whoever the hell you're supposed to be in love with, or I was happy in the womb or I've got a yen for little boys with curly eyelashes. You ignorant condescending son of a bitch. I deserve it for talking to you in the first place.'
Without haste, as if he were alone on the bench, Dr Raumwitz rose and vanished. Matthew Hendricks rubbed his rain-damp hand over his eyes; he had the hollow breathless feeling of having fallen miles, in an elevator, in an aeroplane, he was afraid he would be sick. He sat very still and breathed slowly until the emptiness and the cold and the nausea were under control. I've got to do something about this, he told himself, now, quick; find people, talk, drink; I'll tell June to invite friends, to get theatre tickets, I'll fill up the time. What difference does it make if I don't work for a month? Probably I've worked too long. I could get a
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