God’s blessing to marry you. There’s something else He has for me. And if I go with you, even just for a visit, I know I won’t love you any less. If I stay here, I can at least try to forget you, but if I were with you, sooner or later I’d give in to you.”
At that instant Parker Braden admired this woman intensely. She was freely expressing her love for him and at the same time was strong enough to admit that she could not trust herself.
Neither of them knew what to say. It was one of those moments in time that seemed to stretch out endlessly, and finally Kat knew she had to at least try to explain. Her voice was filled with pain as she said, “If I can’t believe God has put this in my way and intends for it to happen, what would going with you accomplish? It would only bring pain to both of us.”
Parker stood absolutely still. Arguments leaped to his lips, but as he gazed at her face, he knew that her mind was made up. He was flooded with hopelessness and disappointment. “I think you’re making a mistake, Katherine—one that will hurt both of us for the rest of our lives.”
For a moment Kat thought he would try to hold her and kiss her. She was afraid that if he did so, she would give in, for she truly did love this man.
But Parker did not move toward her, nor did he reach out for her. He spoke so quietly she barely caught his words.
“I’ll be going now. I think you’ve made the wrong choice, but I see I can’t change your mind.” He turned and walkeddown the porch steps, his back straight. Kat wanted to cry out to him, but she bit her lip and kept her silence. She watched as he got into the car and drove away into the darkness, knowing she had lost him forever.
****
The next morning Parker came early to load the cattle, and he and Kat kept up the appearance of being amiable while she helped him herd the cattle into the truck. But Kat could hardly bear to look at him. When the job was finished, Parker said good-bye to Lewis, Missouri Ann, and the boys. Finally he stood before Kat.
“Are you sure you won’t change your mind and come with me?”
Her throat felt so dry she couldn’t answer. She merely shook her head.
“Will you write to me, then?”
“I’ll try, Parker,” she whispered.
“Good-bye.” With this final brief, almost harsh, word, Parker turned and got into the truck. The driver started it up, and Parker waved at the boys and her parents, but he did not turn to look at her. This hurt Kat more than anything else, but she knew it was her own doing.
Missouri Ann approached her as the truck rumbled away. She said nothing but reached out and put her arms around Kat. She continued fighting back the tears, all the time crying silently, I love him, God! Why can’t I have him?
Finally she pulled away and walked blindly away from the house. She did not want to speak to anyone. As she retreated, she heard Michael ask, “What’s wrong with Kat?” She broke into a run before she could hear the answer. She crossed the field and didn’t stop running until she was in the woods. When she reached the river, she stopped and stared down into the flowing water, remembering the day she had walked along here with Parker. A frog let out a startled croak and plunkedinto the water. She sat down on the ground, drawing up her knees and folding her arms around them.
She felt entirely drained as she thought about the days ahead. She pulled a snapshot out of her pocket. Earlier in the summer, she and Parker had borrowed a speedboat from a friend of her father and had taken it out on a nearby lake, laughing like children as he drove it full speed, making sharp careens and turns. The picture she had taken captured his essence, tall and fine featured, his eyes full of laughter.
From somewhere far off a mourning dove began cooing. Kat had always loved that sound, but now it seemed more sad than beautiful, matching her mood. She lowered her head against her arms and began to sob. She wanted to
At that instant Parker Braden admired this woman intensely. She was freely expressing her love for him and at the same time was strong enough to admit that she could not trust herself.
Neither of them knew what to say. It was one of those moments in time that seemed to stretch out endlessly, and finally Kat knew she had to at least try to explain. Her voice was filled with pain as she said, “If I can’t believe God has put this in my way and intends for it to happen, what would going with you accomplish? It would only bring pain to both of us.”
Parker stood absolutely still. Arguments leaped to his lips, but as he gazed at her face, he knew that her mind was made up. He was flooded with hopelessness and disappointment. “I think you’re making a mistake, Katherine—one that will hurt both of us for the rest of our lives.”
For a moment Kat thought he would try to hold her and kiss her. She was afraid that if he did so, she would give in, for she truly did love this man.
But Parker did not move toward her, nor did he reach out for her. He spoke so quietly she barely caught his words.
“I’ll be going now. I think you’ve made the wrong choice, but I see I can’t change your mind.” He turned and walkeddown the porch steps, his back straight. Kat wanted to cry out to him, but she bit her lip and kept her silence. She watched as he got into the car and drove away into the darkness, knowing she had lost him forever.
****
The next morning Parker came early to load the cattle, and he and Kat kept up the appearance of being amiable while she helped him herd the cattle into the truck. But Kat could hardly bear to look at him. When the job was finished, Parker said good-bye to Lewis, Missouri Ann, and the boys. Finally he stood before Kat.
“Are you sure you won’t change your mind and come with me?”
Her throat felt so dry she couldn’t answer. She merely shook her head.
“Will you write to me, then?”
“I’ll try, Parker,” she whispered.
“Good-bye.” With this final brief, almost harsh, word, Parker turned and got into the truck. The driver started it up, and Parker waved at the boys and her parents, but he did not turn to look at her. This hurt Kat more than anything else, but she knew it was her own doing.
Missouri Ann approached her as the truck rumbled away. She said nothing but reached out and put her arms around Kat. She continued fighting back the tears, all the time crying silently, I love him, God! Why can’t I have him?
Finally she pulled away and walked blindly away from the house. She did not want to speak to anyone. As she retreated, she heard Michael ask, “What’s wrong with Kat?” She broke into a run before she could hear the answer. She crossed the field and didn’t stop running until she was in the woods. When she reached the river, she stopped and stared down into the flowing water, remembering the day she had walked along here with Parker. A frog let out a startled croak and plunkedinto the water. She sat down on the ground, drawing up her knees and folding her arms around them.
She felt entirely drained as she thought about the days ahead. She pulled a snapshot out of her pocket. Earlier in the summer, she and Parker had borrowed a speedboat from a friend of her father and had taken it out on a nearby lake, laughing like children as he drove it full speed, making sharp careens and turns. The picture she had taken captured his essence, tall and fine featured, his eyes full of laughter.
From somewhere far off a mourning dove began cooing. Kat had always loved that sound, but now it seemed more sad than beautiful, matching her mood. She lowered her head against her arms and began to sob. She wanted to
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