The Hearse You Came in On by Tim Cockey

again, Hitch. You looking for some more free sausage?”
    I gave him a ha-ha. But he was already focusing on the lovely woman standing next to me.
    “Hello, Kate.”
    “How are you doing, Joel?”
    “I don’t get paid to complain. How about you?”
    “Besides having my arm twisted to come here? I’m fine.”
    “You should look at it as a perk,” Hutch said.
    Kate turned to me. “This is a perk.”
    “I don’t know perks,” I remarked. “I’ll get a discount on my coffin when the time comes. That’s about it.”
    Hutch grinned at Kate. “There you go. Now isn’t this little perk looking better already?”
    “Yes, Joel, your party is better than a funeral,” Kate said flatly. “I won’t argue with you.”
    Hutch was enjoying this. “Go ahead, Kate, argue with me. It’s what you do best. Well, I mean, it’s one of what you do best.”
    “Fuck you, Joel.”
    And with that, Kate stormed off. That’s when Hutch had said, “None of that populist crap here, eh, Hitch?”
    My gaze followed Kate. She was aiming straight for the bar. I said to Hutch, “So I take it you two have met.”
    Hutch laughed as he rolled his eyes. “Kate Zabriskie hates my guts.”
    “That was kind of my impression.”
    “It goes way back.”
    “Gut hating usually does.”
    “Kate’s got a big chip on her shoulder.” Hutch waved across the room at someone, I couldn’t tell who. “I don’t know if you follow the news much, but she got her fifteen minutes about five, six months ago.”
    I shook my head. Knew nothing about it.
    “The short version is, she got some headlines. Hero cop. That sort of thing. She didn’t handle it well. Understandable reasons. But that’s her business. Anyway, since signing on with Alan I’ve been trying to get her to go along with a couple of spots. TV. Maybe print. She’d be a real asset.”
    “Is that right?”
    “Sure. Women look up to her. And men want to fuck her.”
    “I’m glad to see you’re choosing your words so carefully.”
    “Hey, don’t get sore, Hitch. You know what I mean.”
    “You just said what you mean.”
    “That I did. The thing is, I could do a lot with this hero cop business. It’s a good angle. But Kate won’t have any of it.”
    “Maybe she doesn’t support Stuart.”
    “Bullshit. She
adores
Alan Stuart. She’s just got her nose out of joint on this thing.” He broke off to shake someone’s hand, then he went on. “It all became moot anyway. Alan pulled me back. She’s a detective now, he reminded me, not a street cop. Her face shouldn’t be plastered everywhere, yah, yah, yah.”
    “That sounds reasonable.”
    “It is, sure. I didn’t argue. But still… I’m definitely not on that lady’s Christmas list.”
    “She’s Jewish.”
    “Whatever. You know what I mean. There’s bad chemistry there.”
    “Sad tale.”
    Hutch pumped another well-heeled paw, steered it off toward the bar, then he turned back to me with a quizzical look on his face.
    “So, just what are you doing here with Kate Zabriskie anyway?”
    I gave him my best ear-to-ear. “I look up to her.”
    Hutch snickered. “Yeah. Right.”
    I spotted Alan Stuart off on the far side of the room. He was working his crowd, listening intently one instant, exploding with a powerful laugh the next.
    I asked Hutch, “Was that guy ever a street cop? I mean, do they really come up through the ranks like that? Somehow I can’t picture him in a blue suit swinging a billy.”
    “Oh absolutely. Alan Stuart was a flatfoot. Started out on the street. Clubbed his way to the top. You’re looking at a hardworking self-made man there. And don’t think the governorship of Maryland is the end of it. From Annapolis you can practically see the damn White House. It’s just over the river. The times are very favorable for a guy like Alan Stuart. This governorship could be just the thing to line him up for the big one.”
    “Hutch, I don’t want to be the wet rag, but isn’t your Baltimore city