shaking and detonating all over the place, it’s hardly surprising so many failed experiments end up flushed down the sewers. Where they have been known to combine with the wildlife and kick them way, way up the evolutionary ladder. Which sometimes leads to the need for the Sanitary Brigade, with their really big guns and flame-throwers. Operatives like Sewer Man Jack get to earn their combat pay.
Sewer Man Jack’s party trick is to blow smoke rings. Only he does it by lighting his farts. And he wonders why he isn’t invited to more parties ...
“Busy night, John?” he said politely.
“You could say that,” I said. “Yourself?”
“Just finished dealing with another would-be Phantom of the Sewers. I blame that Lloyd Webber musical myself. Then there was the giant ants last month. Still, every time you think you’ve got it bad, someone’s always ready to tell you something worse. I was just chatting with the Sonic Assassin, outside the Time Tower. Word is, the Collector has thieved a whole new kind of time-travel device, from some far-future museum; a device that can project his consciousness into any person in the Past, Present, and Future. So now he can track down his precious rarities in complete anonymity. Must be very dispiriting, having everyone shoot at you the moment you show your face ...”
“So basically, anyone could be the Collector now,” I said. “That is seriously spooky. I just went through something similar with Dr. Fell. You can’t trust anyone to be who they claim any more. As if the Nightside wasn’t paranoid enough already ...”
Sewer Man Jack looked at me interestedly. “You finally had a run-in with Dr. Fell? What happened?”
“I happened—to him,” I said.
“You worry me sometimes, John,” Sewer Man Jack said sadly, and he moved away.
Alex Morrisey finally drifted my way and poured me a glass of wormwood brandy without waiting to be asked. I looked at it.
“What’s wrong now?” said Alex. “It’s a clean glass. Because I know you’re fussy about things like that.”
“Nothing wrong with the drink,” I said. “I was just wondering if I’m becoming predictable. Never a good idea, in the Nightside. Start falling into familiar routines, going to the same place, always ordering the same drink, and you can bet good money someone will figure out a way to take advantage.”
“Oh, shut up and drink your drink,” said Alex. “This bar already has a resident gloomy bugger, and it’s me.”
Alex was dressed all in black, as usual, in mourning for the way his life had turned out. He also wore a black beret, to hide his spreading bald patch, and designer shades, in the mistaken belief that they made him look cool. Alex was born miserable and hadn’t improved with age. He gave short measures, always got your change wrong, and mixed the most distressing cocktails in the world. Wise men avoided the bar snacks. On the other hand, he put up with people and behaviour that wouldn’t be tolerated for a moment anywhere else, and viciously enforced a general truce that made Strangefellows one of the few real neutral grounds in the Nightside.
Alex and I go way back. We’re friends, sort of. It’s complicated.
I pushed the wormwood brandy determinedly to one side. “What else have you got, Alex?”
“A fast-receding hair-line, lower-back pains, and you really don’t want to hear about my bowel movements.”
“I shall slap you in a moment, and it will hurt. I meant, do you have anything more interesting in the booze department that you might feel like recommending? I’m in the mood for something ... different.”
“Well, you could try the Valhalla Venom,” said Alex. “I got a job lot, cheap, because no-one in the Adventurers Club felt brave enough to try it. So far, everyone here has wimped out, too. I have a feeling it’s something to do with the way the bottles sweat blood.”
“Pour me a glass,” I said. “A big glass, with a lead-lined straw.”
Alex
Sewer Man Jack’s party trick is to blow smoke rings. Only he does it by lighting his farts. And he wonders why he isn’t invited to more parties ...
“Busy night, John?” he said politely.
“You could say that,” I said. “Yourself?”
“Just finished dealing with another would-be Phantom of the Sewers. I blame that Lloyd Webber musical myself. Then there was the giant ants last month. Still, every time you think you’ve got it bad, someone’s always ready to tell you something worse. I was just chatting with the Sonic Assassin, outside the Time Tower. Word is, the Collector has thieved a whole new kind of time-travel device, from some far-future museum; a device that can project his consciousness into any person in the Past, Present, and Future. So now he can track down his precious rarities in complete anonymity. Must be very dispiriting, having everyone shoot at you the moment you show your face ...”
“So basically, anyone could be the Collector now,” I said. “That is seriously spooky. I just went through something similar with Dr. Fell. You can’t trust anyone to be who they claim any more. As if the Nightside wasn’t paranoid enough already ...”
Sewer Man Jack looked at me interestedly. “You finally had a run-in with Dr. Fell? What happened?”
“I happened—to him,” I said.
“You worry me sometimes, John,” Sewer Man Jack said sadly, and he moved away.
Alex Morrisey finally drifted my way and poured me a glass of wormwood brandy without waiting to be asked. I looked at it.
“What’s wrong now?” said Alex. “It’s a clean glass. Because I know you’re fussy about things like that.”
“Nothing wrong with the drink,” I said. “I was just wondering if I’m becoming predictable. Never a good idea, in the Nightside. Start falling into familiar routines, going to the same place, always ordering the same drink, and you can bet good money someone will figure out a way to take advantage.”
“Oh, shut up and drink your drink,” said Alex. “This bar already has a resident gloomy bugger, and it’s me.”
Alex was dressed all in black, as usual, in mourning for the way his life had turned out. He also wore a black beret, to hide his spreading bald patch, and designer shades, in the mistaken belief that they made him look cool. Alex was born miserable and hadn’t improved with age. He gave short measures, always got your change wrong, and mixed the most distressing cocktails in the world. Wise men avoided the bar snacks. On the other hand, he put up with people and behaviour that wouldn’t be tolerated for a moment anywhere else, and viciously enforced a general truce that made Strangefellows one of the few real neutral grounds in the Nightside.
Alex and I go way back. We’re friends, sort of. It’s complicated.
I pushed the wormwood brandy determinedly to one side. “What else have you got, Alex?”
“A fast-receding hair-line, lower-back pains, and you really don’t want to hear about my bowel movements.”
“I shall slap you in a moment, and it will hurt. I meant, do you have anything more interesting in the booze department that you might feel like recommending? I’m in the mood for something ... different.”
“Well, you could try the Valhalla Venom,” said Alex. “I got a job lot, cheap, because no-one in the Adventurers Club felt brave enough to try it. So far, everyone here has wimped out, too. I have a feeling it’s something to do with the way the bottles sweat blood.”
“Pour me a glass,” I said. “A big glass, with a lead-lined straw.”
Alex
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