The God Box by Alex Sanchez Page B

home.The night was clear, with no moon. As usual, I parked in front of Angie's and shut the engine off. Then I leaned over and gently pressed my lips to hers. Her kiss tasted like warm butter and salt, bringing back the memory of Manuel in the movie theater, our arms touching, making me both agitated and excited.Angie's breath came heavily as well. Then, without warning, she took hold of my hand and urged it onto her breast.My heart leaped with a jolt. It was my first time to ever touch a breast.I froze, unsure what to do. I could imagine what some other boy might do, given such an opportunity. A little panicked, I withdrew my lips from hers. "Um ... what are you doing?"Angie blushed and let go of my hand. I briskly removed it from her breast and leaned back in my seat, worried. Had I hurt her feelings?We sat silent for a while, as she stared out the window and I doubted myself. Should I have gone through the motions with her? Then Angie turned to look at me, and her voice came out soft and103unsure: "Can I ask you something? What exactly do you feel for me?"My fingers tightened nervously around the steering wheel as my heart sped up. How could I tell her I wasn't sure? "Um, I love you.""Yeah ..." Her face relaxed a little. "I know you do, and I love you, too. But do you feel, like, passion for me?"My heart rate whizzed up even faster. Angie's eyes were so wide and hopeful that I had to drop my gaze. I knew her question was opening the door for me, but I feared what might come out. My pulse throbbed in my temples as I mumbled, "What do you mean?""I mean:" She curled her ponytail between her fingers. "Are you sexually attracted to me?"Little drops of sweat misted on my forehead. How could I admit that during all the years I'd known her I had wanted to feel that way, but hadn't? I was afraid to hurt her--or lose her. She meant the world to me."I, um, I thought--you know--we should wait till marriage ... till we're both sure that's what we want."Angie shook her head. "I'm not saying we should have sex now. I just need to know if you'll ever want to."Her frankness made my stomach flutter. Could I admit that I didn't know if it would even be possible for me to have sex with her?I cleared my throat to force a response. "If that's what God wants for us."Angie frowned. Obviously, that wasn't the answer she expected. "Is there"--her voice caught, sounding hurt--"something you want to tell me?"Her question took my breath away, as if two invisible hands were suddenly squeezing my windpipe to tell her the truth--or not to. "No." I shook my head.After that, we sat quietly for a long time, not saying much,104each of us with our own thoughts, as I tried to calm down. Then I walked her to the door and said good night.When I arrived home, Abuelita and my pa were already asleep. I crept quietly to my room, undressed, and began my prayers, reviewing the day's events. "Dear God ..."I hesitated a moment, thinking about the movie theater, Angie, and Manuel. Should I give thanks for the confusing thrill of pressing my arm against Manuel's? Or should I ask for God's forgiveness?"I don't know what to pray to you any more. Every day I feel more and more confused. Please help me."In the middle of sleeping that night I thought I heard a noise at my door. I woke up, startled, my mind racing back to the horror movie. Quickly I fumbled to turn on the light and looked around, but I saw nothing unusual. The only sound was my own frantic breathing. Still jittery, I closed my eyes, leaving the light on, and tried to get back to sleep.105

Chapter 22
    SUNDAY MORNING PA AND I HEADED TO CHURCH, WHILE ABUELITA STAYED
    HOME, WAVING US ON OUR WAY. AS PART OF HER QUIRKY FAITH, SHE REFUSED
    TO SET FOOT IN ANY CHURCH. ONCE, AS A BOY, I HAD ASKED HER, "WHY?""It's like this ..." She sat down at the kitchen table and leaned me against her lap. "When I was a young woman, I found out that your abuelito was not the good man he'd pretended to be. I realized that I'd never be