withered face. I cried for my pain. I cried for the few days left to me. I cried for my guilt. I cried for the daughter who would never know how much I loved her.
"Mom, you okay? Should I get the nurse?" For once, Ellen had turned up on time.
I controlled my sobs and attempted a smile. "Sister Elizabeth has gone to get her. They should be back soon."
"What can I do? Mom, just tell me what you want me to do."
"Sing to me, Ellen. Sing to me until they get here."
Ellen picked up the battered missalette Lizzie had swiped from the chapel and flipped through it to find something she recognized. Soon, her sweet soprano sang a song I recognized from her Holy Communion. I remembered when she sang it for me and Mama in the kitchen, every night for weeks.
"Let there be peace on Earth, and let it begin with me..."
Ellen continued to sing her childish song even after the nurse entered and delivered a shot of relief. Even after my eyes closed.
Later I woke, alone. I fumbled for my glasses. Outside my window, Ellen and Sister Elizabeth sat together in the courtyard, deep in conversation. Maybe Lizzie could give Ellen some comfort. God knows, I couldn't.
Chapter 12
Ellen
Sister Elizabeth held out a pack of cigarettes. "Do you want one?"
"You smoke?"
She laughed. "Yeah, I'm the smoking nun. Let me know if you see Nurse Collins, she's a devil for enforcing the rules."
It was nice to know I wasn't the only black sheep at St. Francis. "I will. Did you and my mother sneak ciggies in the convent?"
"Even I'm not that brave. Your mother was a wizard at smuggling in chocolates and chewing gum. I still don't know how she did it. Mother Superior was very strict, especially with the first year postulants. No, I picked up this particular bad habit when I worked as a social worker in San Francisco. But hey, it was the 60s, I could've done a lot worse."
"Bad habits in a convent?"
"Believe me, there were plenty of bad habits to go around. Put twenty women together and you're sure to see plenty. Gossip, petty fights, spitefulness. My smoking was a minor offense. At least now I'm not wearing a habit, so I just look like another nicotine addict. You should've seen the looks I got when I was wearing the penguin suit. Sure I can't tempt you?"
"I'm sure. My neighbor convinced me to ride on a motorcycle and drink a pitcher of beer last night, so I think that's enough decadence for this week." I didn't feel the need to disclose the middle-aged make-out session to the good sister.
"Sounds like fun." Sister Elizabeth blew a ring of smoke.
I laughed. "Now you're just showing off."
"I know. I'm an awful show off. Always have been. I'm the youngest of eight, so I had to do something to stand out."
"Becoming a nun wasn't enough?"
She smiled. "Oh no. They barely noticed I was gone. Well, that's not really true. My mother didn't think I'd last a week so she didn't bother to throw me a going away party. She barely said goodbye. No one thought I'd make it, not even Mother Superior. It wasn't always easy, especially after I took my final vows. I was the youngest nun in the convent by at least twenty years and the older nuns were awful to me."
I shifted my weight to get comfortable on the hard bench. "Did you ever think of dropping out?"
"Oh, all the time, especially that first year at Our Lady of Angels." She dragged on the cigarette. "I swear I wouldn't have made it through the first three months if it wasn't for Rosie. I cried for my mother every night. And I was always getting into trouble. Did your mother tell you how I had latrine duty for a solid year?"
"Latrine duty? Sounds like the army."
"Sometimes it felt like the army too. Except that in the army you at least get a night's leave. Convent life back then was 24-7. But, you must know that. I'm sure your mother told you."
"No. She never talked about it. But then again, she's good at keeping secrets."
Sister Elizabeth gave me a hard, appraising look. "Well, if you have any
"Mom, you okay? Should I get the nurse?" For once, Ellen had turned up on time.
I controlled my sobs and attempted a smile. "Sister Elizabeth has gone to get her. They should be back soon."
"What can I do? Mom, just tell me what you want me to do."
"Sing to me, Ellen. Sing to me until they get here."
Ellen picked up the battered missalette Lizzie had swiped from the chapel and flipped through it to find something she recognized. Soon, her sweet soprano sang a song I recognized from her Holy Communion. I remembered when she sang it for me and Mama in the kitchen, every night for weeks.
"Let there be peace on Earth, and let it begin with me..."
Ellen continued to sing her childish song even after the nurse entered and delivered a shot of relief. Even after my eyes closed.
Later I woke, alone. I fumbled for my glasses. Outside my window, Ellen and Sister Elizabeth sat together in the courtyard, deep in conversation. Maybe Lizzie could give Ellen some comfort. God knows, I couldn't.
Chapter 12
Ellen
Sister Elizabeth held out a pack of cigarettes. "Do you want one?"
"You smoke?"
She laughed. "Yeah, I'm the smoking nun. Let me know if you see Nurse Collins, she's a devil for enforcing the rules."
It was nice to know I wasn't the only black sheep at St. Francis. "I will. Did you and my mother sneak ciggies in the convent?"
"Even I'm not that brave. Your mother was a wizard at smuggling in chocolates and chewing gum. I still don't know how she did it. Mother Superior was very strict, especially with the first year postulants. No, I picked up this particular bad habit when I worked as a social worker in San Francisco. But hey, it was the 60s, I could've done a lot worse."
"Bad habits in a convent?"
"Believe me, there were plenty of bad habits to go around. Put twenty women together and you're sure to see plenty. Gossip, petty fights, spitefulness. My smoking was a minor offense. At least now I'm not wearing a habit, so I just look like another nicotine addict. You should've seen the looks I got when I was wearing the penguin suit. Sure I can't tempt you?"
"I'm sure. My neighbor convinced me to ride on a motorcycle and drink a pitcher of beer last night, so I think that's enough decadence for this week." I didn't feel the need to disclose the middle-aged make-out session to the good sister.
"Sounds like fun." Sister Elizabeth blew a ring of smoke.
I laughed. "Now you're just showing off."
"I know. I'm an awful show off. Always have been. I'm the youngest of eight, so I had to do something to stand out."
"Becoming a nun wasn't enough?"
She smiled. "Oh no. They barely noticed I was gone. Well, that's not really true. My mother didn't think I'd last a week so she didn't bother to throw me a going away party. She barely said goodbye. No one thought I'd make it, not even Mother Superior. It wasn't always easy, especially after I took my final vows. I was the youngest nun in the convent by at least twenty years and the older nuns were awful to me."
I shifted my weight to get comfortable on the hard bench. "Did you ever think of dropping out?"
"Oh, all the time, especially that first year at Our Lady of Angels." She dragged on the cigarette. "I swear I wouldn't have made it through the first three months if it wasn't for Rosie. I cried for my mother every night. And I was always getting into trouble. Did your mother tell you how I had latrine duty for a solid year?"
"Latrine duty? Sounds like the army."
"Sometimes it felt like the army too. Except that in the army you at least get a night's leave. Convent life back then was 24-7. But, you must know that. I'm sure your mother told you."
"No. She never talked about it. But then again, she's good at keeping secrets."
Sister Elizabeth gave me a hard, appraising look. "Well, if you have any
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