The Girl With No Past by Kathryn Croft

longed for her to talk about it but she always clammed up, telling me to leave it be. Perhaps that was why she had forced Dr Redfield on me, so that I would have someone else to unburden myself on. But things were different now. I was fine. I didn’t need to talk about anything. Except what had been happening lately. With Mum’s newfound loquaciousness on the topic, I wondered if she could help me.
    ‘So what did you come up with?’ I asked, trying to swallow the lump that had formed in my throat.
    She looked away, staring straight ahead and clicking her nails. It was a habit she’d always had but she did it more when she was under pressure. ‘Well, to start with we blamed ourselves. I mean, children learn from their parents, don’t they? So we reasoned that somewhere along the line we had influenced you somehow.’
    ‘No, Mum, that’s not true,’ I said, shaking my head. There was no way I would let her take the blame for this. I alone was responsible for my actions.
    Mum turned to me. ‘We spent so much time going over what we could have done differently, but then we realised there was nothing. You were your own person and we felt that we’d guided you, done everything we could for you—’
    ‘You did.’
    ‘Let me finish. Now I’ve started I want to get everything out in the open. Please, just hear me out.’ Her voice was stern, making me feel like a child again.
    I nodded but turned away from her. Hearing her words was bad enough, but I didn’t want to see the expression on her face.
    ‘We felt that we were good parents, Leah,’ she continued. ‘And when he died from his awful heart attack, your dad still had no clue why you did it. I still don’t now.’
    I could give no answer to this. I had tried to work it out many times afterwards but none of it was easily explainable. I had loved Adam and didn’t want to see him hurting. Changing before my eyes. Becoming increasingly unrecognisable the more time passed. But perhaps it was not as simple as that. It could be I wanted to believe this just to ease my conscience – because even worse than that was the thought that, beyond fear, there was no other reason.
    Mum stopped clicking her nails and turned to me. ‘Anyway, my concern now is for you. There’s no point going over it all, it’s in the past and nothing can be changed. Are you happy? I don’t see how you can be, being on your own all the time. Why do you insist on punishing yourself like this?’
    And now we were back to a conversation we’d had many times. My isolated lifestyle irked Mum, despite how many times I’d protested that I was fine. I don’t know what made me choose that moment to open up to her; perhaps it was because she had been candid with me, for a change. ‘Mum, I am okay, but…’
    ‘What is it? I knew there was something. What’s going on, Leah?’
    I began to explain everything that had happened, but quickly realised I would need to tell Mum about Julian and Ben too, otherwise the emailer’s later messages would make no sense, be out of context, just as I felt opening up to Mum. She didn’t flinch when I mentioned Julian, but I told her we had met on a website for book lovers and skirted over my feelings for him. Ben was easier to explain because we’d met at the library and there was nothing between us. Mum stayed silent, letting me finish my story while she intently watched me.
    When I got to the end, she reached for my hand. ‘Oh, Leah, I wish you’d told me this before. Why do you always have to keep things from me? You’re such a closed book. I wish you could see it’s not good for you.’
    Of all the things I was expecting her to say, this wasn’t one of them. Although she had never been good at dishing out sympathy, I assumed this situation was important enough for her to at least try and understand. Try and help me. ‘It only started a few days ago,’ I said, trying to smother my annoyance. ‘And I’m here now, telling you everything.’
    Mum let