Excuse: “It's not that I'm afraid of a committed relationship; at the moment all I need is to find a new keg and to pull Mr. Right Now out from underneath the empty one.”
THE [FILL IN THE BLANK] GUY
When you've just met a man and know little to nothing about him but you need to identify him during girl talk, so you use one example of who he is, something he has, or what he does, and he becomes…that guy.
Best Types of References:
The kind of car he drives
(The Camaro Guy),
His occupation
(The Personal Trainer Guy),
Where you met him
(The Four A.M. in the Taxi Guy),
The way in which he behaved in the morning
if you've already woken up with him
(The Cuddle Guy, The Bad Breath Guy, The Up and Run Guy, etc.)
As an Object: “He's the guy that slipped the martre d’ twenty dollars for the table, spoke to the waitress like a human, and never had to use his napkin through all of dinner—you know, the Good Manners Guy.”
THE TAKE-HOME PROJECT
When you feel like ignoring some larger issues in your own life, so you invest in a fixer-upper guy—who will cost you nothing but time, money, energy, and happiness. Inevitably, you learn that someone else has recouped his resale value.
Hello! You Will Never:
Fix him to your liking,
Change anything but the window dressing,
Turn him into the guy who got away,
Build the bionic man (…Farrah tried and she couldn't do it, even with all that hair).
As a Reminder: “Forget him, he can't even dress himself and you don't have the patience for a take-home project.”
A BENEFACTOR
This is a polite title for that 35-45-year-old man who dates 19-25-year-old women. Having one always seems so original (and economical) at first, because he takes you to many more exciting places than guys your own age do and, of course, he pays for everything.
(But don't think you invented this: In the old days they just called him a Sugar Daddy.)
Things to Look Out for:
A wife,
Some kids,
The fact that you're a grown man's Barbie doll,
That anyone who can hang out with someone who's
fifteen years younger than him is a loser.
As a Reprimand: “No, he's not my father…he's my benefactor; and who cares if he's bald, he pays!”
P.D.A. BOY
The guy you go out in public with and agree to hold hands with, kiss, hug, sit on the same side of the booth with, or show any other Public Display of Affection, before determining boyfriend status.
Usually Causing:
Your friends to abuse you,
Your feelings for him to escalate unrealistically,
One person to suspect the other likes him or her too much too soon,
An inappropriate use of the boyfriend title or “I love you” phrase.
As an Error: “So there's me and P.D.A. boy making out in the pizza place, and in walks my boss: Kill me now.”
A WELCOME MAT
This is what your friends call you when you keep taking back the guy who only comes a-knockin’ on your door for one thing: sex, drugs, or rock ‘n’ roll. (We could have just called you a doormat, but you're always so damn friendly when he shows up.)
When Did You Decide:
To act like AstroTurf?
That he's so much better than you are?
That you didn't need therapy anymore?
That the girl who tortured you in grammar school was right?
As a Wake-Up Call: “Yeah, I'm sure he meant to call you, because everyone wants to check in on a welcome mat after they tread on it.”
LUGGAGE
After you or your man has told the other to get lost and you keep finding each other at events of mutual interest. If you tossed him, he's the luggage, and what's required is a game of ditch. If he tossed you, then you're the luggage, and this is a game of looking as though you're having a good time without him.
Necessary Requirements:
At least one ally to help you ditch or save face,
A mineral water because alcohol will kill you here,
A good seat for viewing or hiding,
A ladies’ room to escape to if the game gets too intense.
As a Plea to God: “I must have ‘Samsonite Customer Service’ stamped right
THE [FILL IN THE BLANK] GUY
When you've just met a man and know little to nothing about him but you need to identify him during girl talk, so you use one example of who he is, something he has, or what he does, and he becomes…that guy.
Best Types of References:
The kind of car he drives
(The Camaro Guy),
His occupation
(The Personal Trainer Guy),
Where you met him
(The Four A.M. in the Taxi Guy),
The way in which he behaved in the morning
if you've already woken up with him
(The Cuddle Guy, The Bad Breath Guy, The Up and Run Guy, etc.)
As an Object: “He's the guy that slipped the martre d’ twenty dollars for the table, spoke to the waitress like a human, and never had to use his napkin through all of dinner—you know, the Good Manners Guy.”
THE TAKE-HOME PROJECT
When you feel like ignoring some larger issues in your own life, so you invest in a fixer-upper guy—who will cost you nothing but time, money, energy, and happiness. Inevitably, you learn that someone else has recouped his resale value.
Hello! You Will Never:
Fix him to your liking,
Change anything but the window dressing,
Turn him into the guy who got away,
Build the bionic man (…Farrah tried and she couldn't do it, even with all that hair).
As a Reminder: “Forget him, he can't even dress himself and you don't have the patience for a take-home project.”
A BENEFACTOR
This is a polite title for that 35-45-year-old man who dates 19-25-year-old women. Having one always seems so original (and economical) at first, because he takes you to many more exciting places than guys your own age do and, of course, he pays for everything.
(But don't think you invented this: In the old days they just called him a Sugar Daddy.)
Things to Look Out for:
A wife,
Some kids,
The fact that you're a grown man's Barbie doll,
That anyone who can hang out with someone who's
fifteen years younger than him is a loser.
As a Reprimand: “No, he's not my father…he's my benefactor; and who cares if he's bald, he pays!”
P.D.A. BOY
The guy you go out in public with and agree to hold hands with, kiss, hug, sit on the same side of the booth with, or show any other Public Display of Affection, before determining boyfriend status.
Usually Causing:
Your friends to abuse you,
Your feelings for him to escalate unrealistically,
One person to suspect the other likes him or her too much too soon,
An inappropriate use of the boyfriend title or “I love you” phrase.
As an Error: “So there's me and P.D.A. boy making out in the pizza place, and in walks my boss: Kill me now.”
A WELCOME MAT
This is what your friends call you when you keep taking back the guy who only comes a-knockin’ on your door for one thing: sex, drugs, or rock ‘n’ roll. (We could have just called you a doormat, but you're always so damn friendly when he shows up.)
When Did You Decide:
To act like AstroTurf?
That he's so much better than you are?
That you didn't need therapy anymore?
That the girl who tortured you in grammar school was right?
As a Wake-Up Call: “Yeah, I'm sure he meant to call you, because everyone wants to check in on a welcome mat after they tread on it.”
LUGGAGE
After you or your man has told the other to get lost and you keep finding each other at events of mutual interest. If you tossed him, he's the luggage, and what's required is a game of ditch. If he tossed you, then you're the luggage, and this is a game of looking as though you're having a good time without him.
Necessary Requirements:
At least one ally to help you ditch or save face,
A mineral water because alcohol will kill you here,
A good seat for viewing or hiding,
A ladies’ room to escape to if the game gets too intense.
As a Plea to God: “I must have ‘Samsonite Customer Service’ stamped right
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