speaking.
“ You’re pregnant ,” said Dr. Lin.
Qiu sat silent for a while—only silence would do. There was nothing. Nothing to be said. Nothing to think about. Silence was acceptance.
“ Are you ok ?” asked Dr. Lin, “ Do you want this pregnancy ?”
Qiu covered her mouth with her right hand and Dr. Lin knew he would not get an answer. She got up from her wooden chair and paced in a circle before heading to the far corner of the room. She stood in the corner facing the wall. Small whimpers echoed out of the corner and then she collapsed. Dr. Lin stood silently watching Qiu as she balled up in the corner, resting her arms on her knees and her head on her arms. Dr. Lin let his emotions sink into his professionalism.
“ We can schedule you for a termination of pregnancy ,” said Dr. Lin, “ The clinic is here in the hospital; you wouldn’t have to go anywhere else .”
Qiu let out a scream that was audible in the next room.
“ You’re at five weeks ,” said Dr. Lin, “ We have time. We can schedule you for an appointment in the next couple of weeks .”
Qiu went passed Dr. Lin, stomping her bare feet on the floor. She ripped open the door and went out into the hall. Dr. Lin didn’t chase her. The news was unexpected and she had to deal with it in her own way—he knew. Tears on display, Qiu walked at an angry pace through the halls of the fifth floor. She stopped and stared into different rooms, studying different patients, trying to guess their ailments. She felt a kinship with all of them. Whether old or young, rich or poor, they all ended up on the same floor in the same hospital, at the same time. Qiu silently blessed them all, hoping each had the strength to carry through the reason that brought them here. She played with her own karma, knowing that the blessings had little hope of bouncing back onto her but she played anyway. Her feelings of kinship were short-lived. She distinguished herself from the bunch, by telling herself that they could all heal. They could always trust that the right treatment would be available for them. Qiu saw herself differently. It wasn’t a long period of treatment that she faced. It was a short time to decide. Qiu came back to her feelings of kinship when she realized all the women on the fifth floor were up against time. Those who were sick had a limited time to convalesce or their condition would get worse. She had a limited time to decide, before things were out of her hands. And then they would get worse by definition.
Dr. Lin found Qiu with her arms folded, standing in the doorway of Room 519. She didn’t notice him come up behind her, as she was focused on an old woman lying still in bed. The woman was asleep, breathing through a tube. It made Qiu feel different, very different. She had been grabbed, forced down and raped on gravel. Now she stood in a doorway impregnated. It was capricious and against her will. But she wasn’t on her back, breathing through a tube. Life had not been choked out of her. Life was growing inside her.
“ Ms. Li ?” said Dr. Lin.
Qiu was unresponsive. She just stared at the woman in the bed; the woman looked dead. But Qiu would not have traded places with her. Despite what had happened and the complications it would bring, Qiu realized she still valued life over death. Being raped had to be accepted. Being pregnant had to be accepted. Being left for dead, like the woman in the bed, was not being at all.
“ Ms. Li ?” said Dr. Lin
Qiu turned around with dry eyes. Dr. Lin took one look at her and felt an instant relief. He could tell she was in a better state of mind. He had never been in such a situation with a patient before. It was obvious that she was upset about being pregnant, but he didn’t know why—why so upset. He told himself he would sacrifice professionalism to ask. He was a doctor for her body
“ You’re pregnant ,” said Dr. Lin.
Qiu sat silent for a while—only silence would do. There was nothing. Nothing to be said. Nothing to think about. Silence was acceptance.
“ Are you ok ?” asked Dr. Lin, “ Do you want this pregnancy ?”
Qiu covered her mouth with her right hand and Dr. Lin knew he would not get an answer. She got up from her wooden chair and paced in a circle before heading to the far corner of the room. She stood in the corner facing the wall. Small whimpers echoed out of the corner and then she collapsed. Dr. Lin stood silently watching Qiu as she balled up in the corner, resting her arms on her knees and her head on her arms. Dr. Lin let his emotions sink into his professionalism.
“ We can schedule you for a termination of pregnancy ,” said Dr. Lin, “ The clinic is here in the hospital; you wouldn’t have to go anywhere else .”
Qiu let out a scream that was audible in the next room.
“ You’re at five weeks ,” said Dr. Lin, “ We have time. We can schedule you for an appointment in the next couple of weeks .”
Qiu went passed Dr. Lin, stomping her bare feet on the floor. She ripped open the door and went out into the hall. Dr. Lin didn’t chase her. The news was unexpected and she had to deal with it in her own way—he knew. Tears on display, Qiu walked at an angry pace through the halls of the fifth floor. She stopped and stared into different rooms, studying different patients, trying to guess their ailments. She felt a kinship with all of them. Whether old or young, rich or poor, they all ended up on the same floor in the same hospital, at the same time. Qiu silently blessed them all, hoping each had the strength to carry through the reason that brought them here. She played with her own karma, knowing that the blessings had little hope of bouncing back onto her but she played anyway. Her feelings of kinship were short-lived. She distinguished herself from the bunch, by telling herself that they could all heal. They could always trust that the right treatment would be available for them. Qiu saw herself differently. It wasn’t a long period of treatment that she faced. It was a short time to decide. Qiu came back to her feelings of kinship when she realized all the women on the fifth floor were up against time. Those who were sick had a limited time to convalesce or their condition would get worse. She had a limited time to decide, before things were out of her hands. And then they would get worse by definition.
Dr. Lin found Qiu with her arms folded, standing in the doorway of Room 519. She didn’t notice him come up behind her, as she was focused on an old woman lying still in bed. The woman was asleep, breathing through a tube. It made Qiu feel different, very different. She had been grabbed, forced down and raped on gravel. Now she stood in a doorway impregnated. It was capricious and against her will. But she wasn’t on her back, breathing through a tube. Life had not been choked out of her. Life was growing inside her.
“ Ms. Li ?” said Dr. Lin.
Qiu was unresponsive. She just stared at the woman in the bed; the woman looked dead. But Qiu would not have traded places with her. Despite what had happened and the complications it would bring, Qiu realized she still valued life over death. Being raped had to be accepted. Being pregnant had to be accepted. Being left for dead, like the woman in the bed, was not being at all.
“ Ms. Li ?” said Dr. Lin
Qiu turned around with dry eyes. Dr. Lin took one look at her and felt an instant relief. He could tell she was in a better state of mind. He had never been in such a situation with a patient before. It was obvious that she was upset about being pregnant, but he didn’t know why—why so upset. He told himself he would sacrifice professionalism to ask. He was a doctor for her body
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