that no, she wasn’t okay. She was destroyed. She’d trusted Dr. Pearce, had expected her to help. Now the doctor had betrayed her, as had her body. She was alone, desperate, scared. There was only one hope left and it was thousands of miles, not to mention a continent, away.
But she didn’t say any of that. Because she knew that a happy marriage was good for a baby’s well-being. She and Rob had to stay strong. Had to be a family unit.
“I’m all right. It’s hard.”
“I know, babe.” Rob crossed to her and drew her against him.
He was warm and solid, she thought, leaning in to the embrace. Most days she was neither. She seemed to live a half life, waiting for what was really important. Waiting to have her baby.
He’d always supported her, she reminded herself. Even when he hadn’t understood, he’d been there. He hadn’t judged. He’d gotten a second job to help pay for the treatments, he’d gotten her ice chips when the hormone shots had made her so sick she couldn’t eat or drink for days, he’d cleaned up gushes of blood from her miscarriages.
The fact that he didn’t want a biological child the way she did wasn’t his fault. He didn’t get it. No matter how many times she tried to explain, he couldn’t possibly know that adoptive parents simply didn’t love their adopted children the same. But she knew. She knew what it was like to be the other. The one who didn’t fit in, physically or emotionally. She knew what it was like to be the decision that was later regretted.
“I’m sorry,” he told her. “For all of it. Do you want to talk to someone?”
“Like a psychologist?”
“Uh-huh.”
She looked up at him. Was he insane? That was expensive. Even with their insurance, there would be co-pays. “I’m fine.”
“I worry about you.”
“Don’t. Physically, I feel great. Stronger every day.”
She waited for him to call her on her lies, but he didn’t. Instead he reached for his coffee again.
“I’m telling Russ I’m quitting.”
She poured her protein drink into the tall glass she used. It gave her something to do so she didn’t turn on him and scream.
“Okay,” she said slowly, when what she really meant was How could you ?
“I’d like us to spend some time together, Hayley. I never see you. We’re both working so much.”
The translation was, they didn’t need the extra money anymore. If there weren’t fertility drugs and IVF and every other thing they’d tried, then they were fine, financially. Not rich, but comfortable. They could get by with them each working just one job.
She thought about the clinic information she’d hidden at the back of the closet. About how she checked flights to Switzerland nearly every day, hoping for a seat sale. That she’d already found a hotel where they were going to stay while she was at the clinic. It was close and cheap—both good because while Rob would only be there for a few days, she would have to stay at least two months.
“I’m working on a car with Russ now,” he continued. “When it’s done, I’m quitting.”
She wanted to tell him he couldn’t, but didn’t. When she had their Switzerland trip arranged, he would understand that he couldn’t give up the extra income. He would support her. But for now, all she said was, “Whatever you think is best.”
“I wish I could believe you mean that.”
She sipped her drink, then looked at him. “You can.”
“I’m not convinced.” He leaned against the counter. “Can we at least talk about adoption?”
“No.”
“A child—”
“I want a baby. Our baby.”
“Hayley, honey, your parents loved you. I saw them with you and they adored you. The problem wasn’t them, it was Morgan.”
“You don’t know what it was like, Rob. We’ve been over this and over this. My parents were great people. They couldn’t help loving their biological daughter more than their adopted one. I get that. I accept it, but I can’t forget it. I want a baby of my
But she didn’t say any of that. Because she knew that a happy marriage was good for a baby’s well-being. She and Rob had to stay strong. Had to be a family unit.
“I’m all right. It’s hard.”
“I know, babe.” Rob crossed to her and drew her against him.
He was warm and solid, she thought, leaning in to the embrace. Most days she was neither. She seemed to live a half life, waiting for what was really important. Waiting to have her baby.
He’d always supported her, she reminded herself. Even when he hadn’t understood, he’d been there. He hadn’t judged. He’d gotten a second job to help pay for the treatments, he’d gotten her ice chips when the hormone shots had made her so sick she couldn’t eat or drink for days, he’d cleaned up gushes of blood from her miscarriages.
The fact that he didn’t want a biological child the way she did wasn’t his fault. He didn’t get it. No matter how many times she tried to explain, he couldn’t possibly know that adoptive parents simply didn’t love their adopted children the same. But she knew. She knew what it was like to be the other. The one who didn’t fit in, physically or emotionally. She knew what it was like to be the decision that was later regretted.
“I’m sorry,” he told her. “For all of it. Do you want to talk to someone?”
“Like a psychologist?”
“Uh-huh.”
She looked up at him. Was he insane? That was expensive. Even with their insurance, there would be co-pays. “I’m fine.”
“I worry about you.”
“Don’t. Physically, I feel great. Stronger every day.”
She waited for him to call her on her lies, but he didn’t. Instead he reached for his coffee again.
“I’m telling Russ I’m quitting.”
She poured her protein drink into the tall glass she used. It gave her something to do so she didn’t turn on him and scream.
“Okay,” she said slowly, when what she really meant was How could you ?
“I’d like us to spend some time together, Hayley. I never see you. We’re both working so much.”
The translation was, they didn’t need the extra money anymore. If there weren’t fertility drugs and IVF and every other thing they’d tried, then they were fine, financially. Not rich, but comfortable. They could get by with them each working just one job.
She thought about the clinic information she’d hidden at the back of the closet. About how she checked flights to Switzerland nearly every day, hoping for a seat sale. That she’d already found a hotel where they were going to stay while she was at the clinic. It was close and cheap—both good because while Rob would only be there for a few days, she would have to stay at least two months.
“I’m working on a car with Russ now,” he continued. “When it’s done, I’m quitting.”
She wanted to tell him he couldn’t, but didn’t. When she had their Switzerland trip arranged, he would understand that he couldn’t give up the extra income. He would support her. But for now, all she said was, “Whatever you think is best.”
“I wish I could believe you mean that.”
She sipped her drink, then looked at him. “You can.”
“I’m not convinced.” He leaned against the counter. “Can we at least talk about adoption?”
“No.”
“A child—”
“I want a baby. Our baby.”
“Hayley, honey, your parents loved you. I saw them with you and they adored you. The problem wasn’t them, it was Morgan.”
“You don’t know what it was like, Rob. We’ve been over this and over this. My parents were great people. They couldn’t help loving their biological daughter more than their adopted one. I get that. I accept it, but I can’t forget it. I want a baby of my
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