That her life would be hell every time she tried to get them into their car seats. “But Daddy said” would be a constant refrain.
She battled against anger. This was so wrong, she thought. Making the decision without her. Telling the girls so that she couldn’t really say no. She hated being put in this position.
“Is it really so bad?” he asked. “The car is safe and they ride in the back.”
“You’re not helping,” she told him.
“Mommy, please,” Kennedy pleaded.
“Yes, Mommy. Please, please, please.”
Everything about this was wrong, she thought grimly. From Andrew ambushing her to her giving in. Because it all came down to, as her husband often said, her willingness to die on this hill.
“All right,” she said.
The girls flung themselves at her. Andrew leaned in and kissed her.
“Was that so hard?” he asked. “Go have fun. We’ll be home around eight. I promise the girls will be tired and ready for their bath.”
She nodded and watched them leave. She knew she’d been outplayed. Worse, she’d been weak. What she didn’t understand was why it always seemed to come down to surrender or being the bad guy. When was there any middle ground?
* * *
Saturday morning Hayley woke before the alarm. She hadn’t been sleeping well, which wasn’t a surprise. Every second of every day she felt the weight of sadness and loss pressing down on her. She tried to forget, tried to tell herself that Dr. Pearce was wrong, but she couldn’t escape the cold reality of the words.
Another specialist wouldn’t matter. Not here anyway. Unless there was a miracle, she wasn’t going to be able to carry a baby to term. And she was terrified she wasn’t going to find her miracle.
Which left only Switzerland, she thought, as she stepped out of the shower. As she reached for her towel, she was careful to hang on to the counter with her other hand. She got dizzy so easily. It was the blood loss from her last miscarriage. And the one before. The toll the drugs had taken on her system.
She dried off and dressed, careful not to look at herself in the mirror. She knew what she would see. Too many bones sticking out. Unnaturally pale flesh. Shadows under her eyes. A few weeks ago a lady had stopped her at the grocery store. The older woman had squeezed her hand and said she would say a prayer for her recovery. It took her a minute to realize the other woman thought she had cancer.
Nothing that drastic, she thought as she left the bathroom and walked to the kitchen and started the coffeemaker. Except for her body’s stubborn refusal to carry a fetus to term and her stubborn refusal to accept that, she was golden. Cancer would have been a whole lot easier.
While the coffee brewed, she put the blender on the counter and began her morning ritual. Rich coconut milk went in first, followed by a double dose of high-grade protein powder. She added flaxseeds, avocado, blueberries and a few other powders designed to help her body heal, then flipped the switch and waited while the concoction melded into something not the least bit like food.
She glanced at her phone and saw she had a text from Gabby. The other woman was checking in to say hi. Hayley answered her, then put her phone back on the counter.
Rob walked into the kitchen.
“Morning,” he said as he walked to the coffeemaker. “You sleep okay?”
“Uh-huh. You?”
“Like a log.” He poured himself a mug, then took a sip. “You’re going in to work today?”
“Just for a few hours. I’m not staying for any sessions.”
She had a second job helping her sister with Supper’s in the Bag. She went in early and did all the chopping and arranging. Mostly she was paid in dinners, but that was okay. It meant money they didn’t have to spend on groceries. For the past four years, every dollar not necessary for survival had gone into their baby fund. Defying God was neither cheap nor easy.
“You okay?” Rob asked.
She wanted to scream at him. To cry out
She battled against anger. This was so wrong, she thought. Making the decision without her. Telling the girls so that she couldn’t really say no. She hated being put in this position.
“Is it really so bad?” he asked. “The car is safe and they ride in the back.”
“You’re not helping,” she told him.
“Mommy, please,” Kennedy pleaded.
“Yes, Mommy. Please, please, please.”
Everything about this was wrong, she thought grimly. From Andrew ambushing her to her giving in. Because it all came down to, as her husband often said, her willingness to die on this hill.
“All right,” she said.
The girls flung themselves at her. Andrew leaned in and kissed her.
“Was that so hard?” he asked. “Go have fun. We’ll be home around eight. I promise the girls will be tired and ready for their bath.”
She nodded and watched them leave. She knew she’d been outplayed. Worse, she’d been weak. What she didn’t understand was why it always seemed to come down to surrender or being the bad guy. When was there any middle ground?
* * *
Saturday morning Hayley woke before the alarm. She hadn’t been sleeping well, which wasn’t a surprise. Every second of every day she felt the weight of sadness and loss pressing down on her. She tried to forget, tried to tell herself that Dr. Pearce was wrong, but she couldn’t escape the cold reality of the words.
Another specialist wouldn’t matter. Not here anyway. Unless there was a miracle, she wasn’t going to be able to carry a baby to term. And she was terrified she wasn’t going to find her miracle.
Which left only Switzerland, she thought, as she stepped out of the shower. As she reached for her towel, she was careful to hang on to the counter with her other hand. She got dizzy so easily. It was the blood loss from her last miscarriage. And the one before. The toll the drugs had taken on her system.
She dried off and dressed, careful not to look at herself in the mirror. She knew what she would see. Too many bones sticking out. Unnaturally pale flesh. Shadows under her eyes. A few weeks ago a lady had stopped her at the grocery store. The older woman had squeezed her hand and said she would say a prayer for her recovery. It took her a minute to realize the other woman thought she had cancer.
Nothing that drastic, she thought as she left the bathroom and walked to the kitchen and started the coffeemaker. Except for her body’s stubborn refusal to carry a fetus to term and her stubborn refusal to accept that, she was golden. Cancer would have been a whole lot easier.
While the coffee brewed, she put the blender on the counter and began her morning ritual. Rich coconut milk went in first, followed by a double dose of high-grade protein powder. She added flaxseeds, avocado, blueberries and a few other powders designed to help her body heal, then flipped the switch and waited while the concoction melded into something not the least bit like food.
She glanced at her phone and saw she had a text from Gabby. The other woman was checking in to say hi. Hayley answered her, then put her phone back on the counter.
Rob walked into the kitchen.
“Morning,” he said as he walked to the coffeemaker. “You sleep okay?”
“Uh-huh. You?”
“Like a log.” He poured himself a mug, then took a sip. “You’re going in to work today?”
“Just for a few hours. I’m not staying for any sessions.”
She had a second job helping her sister with Supper’s in the Bag. She went in early and did all the chopping and arranging. Mostly she was paid in dinners, but that was okay. It meant money they didn’t have to spend on groceries. For the past four years, every dollar not necessary for survival had gone into their baby fund. Defying God was neither cheap nor easy.
“You okay?” Rob asked.
She wanted to scream at him. To cry out
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