honey maple bookcases into the bargain. On the other hand, Sinead Donohue, who’s mostly in tour-guide mode even when she’s not being a tour guide, wants everyone singing and clapping and banging and stamping all night long so we can all go home with scratchy voices and say what a brilliant old-fashioned hoolie they had at Donohue’s last night. Just like the old days back down the bog when Red Rocks Farrell and Clops Connelly would have you in tears with ‘Danny Boy’ at four in the morning.
In the end, thanks to the busy-body go-betweening of Fr O’Culigeen, a compromise is reached. Taighdhg and his lot are allowed to organise a rapid-fire round of quiz questions. While Barry O’Driscoll is told to tune the guitar and get ready for a right ole sing-song.
We’ll put ‘em to shame with their quizzes, says Sinead out loud to no one. And we’ll bate them stupid at that too!
Everyone thinks that having a quick quiz followed by a sing-song is a genius decision, and O’Culigeen stands there, grinning away, proud as punch, getting orange juice and compliments shovelled in his direction.
Like Solomon cutting the baby in half, says a little specky runt, gumming for a sniff.
I wouldn’t go that far, says O’Culigeen, but not really meaning it.
The whole party is split up into two teams, captained by Taighdhg and Sinead, and we shout out any answers we think are right while O’Culigeen, with the
Quicksilver Quiz Book
before him, tots up the scores on the spot. It’s tough going, with Taighdhg’s gang arguing over every little detail of every question asked, and Sinead’s team shouting out any sort of interference they can think of.
Does it mean the last ‘living’ American president, or just the last president?
Shut up, Donohue, and write the fecker down!
Watch it, Walsh, or I’ll book you in for ten of the best!
You, and your wife!
Next!
More gargle for Team Atrixo, we’re running dry.
No chance, O’Driscoll’s strictly on fumes till his big performance!
Were you referring to an official rebellion, or any local revolt?
What’s the difference?
The peasants are revolting!
Aren’t they always?
But at least I’ll be sober in the morning!
Sober me arse!
Sinead!
Is that Greece or the whole Greek empire?
Give us a break, Daly, fuck sake!
Language, Timothy!
If you must know, the full title is
ET: The Extra-Terrestrial
, and not just
ET
!
The extra testicle!
Dream on, Bazzer.
You wouldn’t know what to do with it.
And you would?
Three balls is a lot of gear to carry around in your jocks!
Come on, lads, for the love of God, says O’Culigeen, finally snapping and crumpling a page in temper. Can we please keep it clean!!
The quiz goes dead quiet and serious after this, like school. Mozzo, who’s on Sinead’s team, sneaks over beside me and says that Saidhbh, who still hasn’t appeared since the prick outburst, wants to speak to me upstairs in her room.
What about you? I say, smelling a rat straightaway.
Mozzo shrugs, and says real sad, I dunno, I just think the better man won in the end. He then stands up and slinks out of the room, looking hurt as hell.
Over the next couple of rounds I think about it. And after each shouty question, it makes more and more sense.
Where was
The Quiet Man
filmed?
Just wants a chat.
What was Bing Crosby’s real name?
Like Fiona in the mornings, wants to talk about stuff.
How many brothers in the Kennedy clan?
Talk things through. Yes.
Who wrote the theme tune to
Wanderly Wagon
?
Has heard from Fiona that I’m a good chatter and wants to put me to the test.
What’s Mike Murphy’s wife’s maiden name?
Yes.
I squeeze my way out of the room during the final round, which is O’Culigeen’s very own made-up Biblical Characters questions round. He sees me darting for the door and, in front of everyone, gives me a right sneer.
I see you’re like the bishops, he says, pouting his slitty mouth like an old woman. They’ve heard it all
In the end, thanks to the busy-body go-betweening of Fr O’Culigeen, a compromise is reached. Taighdhg and his lot are allowed to organise a rapid-fire round of quiz questions. While Barry O’Driscoll is told to tune the guitar and get ready for a right ole sing-song.
We’ll put ‘em to shame with their quizzes, says Sinead out loud to no one. And we’ll bate them stupid at that too!
Everyone thinks that having a quick quiz followed by a sing-song is a genius decision, and O’Culigeen stands there, grinning away, proud as punch, getting orange juice and compliments shovelled in his direction.
Like Solomon cutting the baby in half, says a little specky runt, gumming for a sniff.
I wouldn’t go that far, says O’Culigeen, but not really meaning it.
The whole party is split up into two teams, captained by Taighdhg and Sinead, and we shout out any answers we think are right while O’Culigeen, with the
Quicksilver Quiz Book
before him, tots up the scores on the spot. It’s tough going, with Taighdhg’s gang arguing over every little detail of every question asked, and Sinead’s team shouting out any sort of interference they can think of.
Does it mean the last ‘living’ American president, or just the last president?
Shut up, Donohue, and write the fecker down!
Watch it, Walsh, or I’ll book you in for ten of the best!
You, and your wife!
Next!
More gargle for Team Atrixo, we’re running dry.
No chance, O’Driscoll’s strictly on fumes till his big performance!
Were you referring to an official rebellion, or any local revolt?
What’s the difference?
The peasants are revolting!
Aren’t they always?
But at least I’ll be sober in the morning!
Sober me arse!
Sinead!
Is that Greece or the whole Greek empire?
Give us a break, Daly, fuck sake!
Language, Timothy!
If you must know, the full title is
ET: The Extra-Terrestrial
, and not just
ET
!
The extra testicle!
Dream on, Bazzer.
You wouldn’t know what to do with it.
And you would?
Three balls is a lot of gear to carry around in your jocks!
Come on, lads, for the love of God, says O’Culigeen, finally snapping and crumpling a page in temper. Can we please keep it clean!!
The quiz goes dead quiet and serious after this, like school. Mozzo, who’s on Sinead’s team, sneaks over beside me and says that Saidhbh, who still hasn’t appeared since the prick outburst, wants to speak to me upstairs in her room.
What about you? I say, smelling a rat straightaway.
Mozzo shrugs, and says real sad, I dunno, I just think the better man won in the end. He then stands up and slinks out of the room, looking hurt as hell.
Over the next couple of rounds I think about it. And after each shouty question, it makes more and more sense.
Where was
The Quiet Man
filmed?
Just wants a chat.
What was Bing Crosby’s real name?
Like Fiona in the mornings, wants to talk about stuff.
How many brothers in the Kennedy clan?
Talk things through. Yes.
Who wrote the theme tune to
Wanderly Wagon
?
Has heard from Fiona that I’m a good chatter and wants to put me to the test.
What’s Mike Murphy’s wife’s maiden name?
Yes.
I squeeze my way out of the room during the final round, which is O’Culigeen’s very own made-up Biblical Characters questions round. He sees me darting for the door and, in front of everyone, gives me a right sneer.
I see you’re like the bishops, he says, pouting his slitty mouth like an old woman. They’ve heard it all
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