The Egg Code by Mike Heppner Page B

see all the way from here to Toledo. I mean shoot, I almost dropped my sandwich. We get to talking, hi how are you, you know, the usual crap. I’m her boss, naturally she’s gonna be a little bit flirtatious. Older man, more experienced—you learn to brush it off. We’re sitting there, eating. I tell her, you know, you’ve been working out really well here as a sales associate, why don’t you talk to Karl Becker down at Personnel and sign up for the trainee program. That’s real money! I don’t tell her how much ’cause I don’t want her to know how much I make. Women hear that, right away the sonar goes up. Soon as I cleared forty grand, man, I stopped talking. But a girl Scarlet’s age could easily be running her own store in five years. Gotta take advantage of those opportunities. That’s when you go for it, when you’re young. And if you’re a good-looking gal, then all the better, because the world just
stops
for beautiful women. I mean, take me—I would hire Scarlet
dead on the spot
over some other gal. But she’s not interested in that. The young kids don’t think about these things. At that age, you don’t know. If it feels good, do it! Hey man, I’m all for it. Get it out of your system. Nothing wrong with being idealistic. Until you’re twenty-seven. Then it stops.
    So, twenty-two, twenty-three. She’s still got a few years left to go. Good kid. Reads all the time. Derek Skye this, Derek Skye that. I’m sitting there, looking at the back cover—I want to say something but I figure if I give her the Skyes’ home number she might feel obligated to return the favor, and I don’t want to put her in that position. Women, they interpret everything as, you know, you’re trying to seduce them. So I just play dumb. She reads a few sentences out loud. The Derek Skye philosophy. It’s okay, but some people get too into it, and they kind of lose their minds. I’m thinking why don’t you read the monthly sales sheet if you want to get motivated about something. Still, I was pleasant about it. I just finished my snack and went back out onto the sales floor. Nice girl, but a little on the kooky side. That happens a lot with these beautiful types. They get guys coming on to them all the time, thirty marriage proposals a month, and they start seeing the world in a weird kind of way.
    Five o’clock rolls around, I’m all set to take off. Right before a zone visit, I’ve got to get some sleep. You got Cam Pee, who’s only the CEO of the whole cotton-picking organization, coming over with a bunch of advertising executives, said they wanted to use my office. I’m no fool—I said sure, go ahead, whatever you need, man. I know how lucky I am even to be here, the way I was going, working four jobs a night, trying to keep Lydia in diamonds and pearls, pushing a broom, selling cotton candy at the circus, shelving books at the public library—got to be a real drag. I feel sorry for the kids today. It’s hard! Even for the smart ones.
    What I’m saying is, I think I got it pretty good.
    This ain’t bad. This ain’t half bad.
    For a guy of my skills. I’ll take what I can get, man, I know what it’s like out there.
    My dad, good ol’ “Barndoor” himself, thought I was the biggest idiot known to mankind, bet he never guessed I’d be making forty G a year, got a beautiful wife, a son just turned eleven now, a nice house, a bunch of junk in the basement I don’t even look at. I mean,
yeah!
This is what it’s all about!
    Lord of all you survey.
    The only thing I don’t like is the commute. I’d prefer living closer to town, not that anyone cares. Kay Tree, may she rest in aytch-eee-double-toothpick. Didn’t even ask us if we liked the place. Just take it and smile. Hey, I’ve got no problem with that. Free house, heck. I know when to keep my mouth shut. It just makes for a long drive, and by the time I get home, I’m usually pretty tired, and it would be nice to occasionally have a wife sitting