The Egg Code by Mike Heppner Page A

why don’t you lighten up on the girl, she’s only trying to be nice. Isn’t that a hoot and a half? This lady’s telling me how to run my store, that’s great, that’s just what I need with Jim Carroll standing right there, senior VM for the whole doggone kit and kaboodle, and this woman’s gonna tell me how to handle my sales staff. As if she’s worked a single day in her life. I wanted to say look, ma’am, when you come home at night and it’s time to make dinner for your family—you’ve got your meat and your vegetables all laid out—do I come over and tell you what to do, how to cut the meat properly or boil the potatoes, that sort of thing, do I do that? No, I don’t, I don’t think so, so here’s an idea, why don’t you just respect my thing and I’ll respect yours and we’ll all be happy. See, some of these women, what happens is, they meet some guy, they’re twenty years old, she’s looking dynamite, she’s got the dress up to here, and the guy falls for it and boom, it’s over, she’s set for life. They got a word for a lady like that, and I’m not going to say it, but you know darn well what I’m talking about. Ooo, I was hot. But instead I just said, ma’am—I don’t remember word for word, just . . . ma’am, something something, I appreciate your input, so on and so forth, but we do have certain regulations which we have to follow, and if there’s anything I can do to make your shopping experience more pleasurable, please let me know. But the way I said it, she could tell. What I was really saying was, you miserable woman, don’t you ever come into my store again and start bossing me around. That was the message, loud and clear.
    Next thing you know, Jim Carroll comes up, gives her a stack of coupons. Oh, we’re sorry if we’ve inconvenienced you in any way. I’m standing right there, I’m the stinking store manager, now I look like an idiot. I call him over and say Jim, what are you doing to me here? That’s twenty, thirty coupons, two hundred dollars’ worth, what am I supposed to do with my Gold Club customers? Jim laughs, says tough tooties, you work on your sales skills. Work on
my
sales skills? That’s a kick in the pants, right there. This is the guy, back in ’95, we’re waiting in line, you you ’n’ you—
they didn’t pick me!
That’s how those people operate. Oh, I can dig it. No problem, buddy. I’ll get out of your hair. I know when I’m not wanted.
    It was just one of those days, man, when it seemed like everything was going against me. I get back to the stock area, it’s a mess, no one bothers to put the stuff away. Fire inspector stops by, I’m out on the street. These kids wouldn’t care, half of ’em are still in high school, what do they know about safety codes, they’re too busy thinking about what Jimmy said to Ricki, meanwhile I’m digging through boxes, saying hey guys help me out here. Scarlet’s the only good one in the whole bunch. Older gal, twenty-two, twenty-three, real sweet girl. And beautiful. I mean, if I was fifteen years younger. Heck, ten even. Kind of on the petite side, maybe five-foot-one. Says she’s a dancer, but who knows. That’s usually code for something else. You go on over across the river, they got gals like that who take home five hundred, a thousand a night. Even the name’s perfect. Scarlet Blessing. Does that sound like a porn star or what? Heh. No, but Scarlet’s a real nice, intelligent young lady, and a pleasure to work with. Kind of quiet, studious. Does not have a boyfriend so far as I know, but I’ll tell you, the guys sure do look at her, you can’t hardly help it. Half the time I keep her out back doing paperwork ’cause otherwise we’d never get any work done. A woman like that, with the legs and all . . . you get one of those in the sack and you might not get up again. I go into the break room, she’s sitting there with one leg up on the counter, she’s got the dress wide open and you can