The Drought (The hilarious laugh-out loud comedy about dating disasters!) by Steven Scaffardi Page A

please be quiet,” Ollie said.
    “ And why do
they always expect you to know what’s wrong with them? If you ask
them and they say nothing, then don’t expect us to press any
further on the matter.”
    Ollie chuckled, “The thing is
we know they’re lying when they say nothing but we just can’t be
arsed with the hassle.”
    We both took the time to gulp
down another mouthful of lager before Ollie kept the debate going.
“You remember that girl Sue I was seeing last year? The one that
was always sick?”
    I remembered Sue quite well. We
all did. She was the one girl Ollie had managed to pull who seemed
quite normal compared to his usual conquests. And she seemed
completely oblivious to Ollie's complete lack of a brain. But she
just disappeared one day and no one knew why. Even Ollie didn't
know. We all took the piss of course, saying she had finally
cleaned the shit from her eyes and seen sense. But this was news to
me that she had been ill and I suddenly felt very guilty for taking
the mickey all those times. “I didn't know she had been sick, mate.
Was it serious?” I asked with a concerned tone.
    “ I’m not sure
really,” Ollie said, both hands pressed against the bar. “She would
get these headaches. They always seemed to flare up at night when
we would get into bed. In the last couple of months we were
together they got really bad. She would be in so much pain that I
couldn’t even touch her.”
    “ You mean she
got headaches when you wanted sex?” I asked, suddenly seeing where
this was going even if Ollie didn't have a clue.
    “ It got worse
than that,” Ollie continued. “It got so bad that she couldn’t even
talk to me on the phone because it would make the headaches more
intense. Then one day I called her number and it was no longer in
use. I never heard from her again after that.”
    Ollie went back to nursing his
pint with a look on his face like he was still trying to search for
the answers. I felt I should probably put him out of his misery and
break it to him gently that Sue hadn't been sick. There were no
headaches, she just took the easy way out; a bit like a man
would.
    “ Mate,” I
started, putting my hand on his shoulder. “I think Sue was probably
lying about the headaches?”
    Ollie looked at me and frowned.
He needed answers. “So you think...” I watched his expression
change as it finally dawned on him what had really happened. “You
don’t think she died, do you? Would that make me a widow?”
    For a split second I thought
Ollie was joking, but his face was deadly serious. Then I
remembered it was Ollie I was talking to. Here is the guy who
believed Jack when he told him that Winston Churchill was the bloke
who sold insurance on TV adverts. At that point I gave up and
decided that perhaps the truth wasn't the best option. “I’m sure
she is fine, mate,” I reassured him. “You’re not a widow,” At least
that seemed to cheer him up.
    “ So I heard
you got a bit drunk when you took that Grace out last week,” Ollie
said with a smile.
    “ That’s one
way of putting it.” I said avoiding eye contact. I really wanted to
change the subject. I’d already had Rob and Jack give me plenty of
stick over this. The last thing I needed was the widow throwing his
two pennies worth in. Time to unleash old faithful I thought to
myself. “Hey, I think that bird over there is looking at
you.”
    “ Where?” Ollie
turned round scanning the pub. It didn’t matter how many times I
played this practical joke on him, he always fell for it. Hook,
line, and sinker.
    “ She just
turned away when you looked,” I swigged down some of my lager.
“Quick, she’s looking again.”
    Ollie spun around as fast as he
could, but of course no one was looking. “You missed her again,
sorry mate,” I told him.
    “ I don’t
believe you,” Ollie said still looking around the bar out of the
corner of his eye just in case there was a chance I was telling the
truth. “You’re just winding