far as I’m concerned, so you’d be better off just getting in your car and driving back to New York.”
I was shaking and on the verge of tears when I finished. I waited, my heart thudding heavily, waited for him to shout at me, or to get up and leave, but after a long pause during which I could hear the harbor patrol passing and some buoys ringing, he said, “Felix…why on earth would you think I would force you to get an abortion?”
I sucked back the tears in my throat and looked askance at him. He sat there like he sat everywhere, dominating the space around him. There was insult and annoyance etched on his face. “I know you hate children. I know you don’t want to hear about any of this and you hate me.”
He frowned. “I don’t know how I feel about children, frankly. I’ve never had any, but you’re making an awful big assumption about me, Felix, and it’s making me very angry.”
I wiped at the tears on my face with the back of my hand. I wished I’d brought a handkerchief.
He sighed, withdrew one from his suit pocket, and took my face in his hand so he could wipe away my tears. “You ran away without a word because you thought I would hate you? Hate our child? That I would throw you, pregnant, into the street? Or force you to abort it? Felix, what is the matter with you?”
I started to cry then, in full. The sobs just poured out of me. “It was an accident…and this arrangement we have…I know it’s not real…I know I’m not your real courtesan…not your responsibility…”
People were looking our way, alerted to my outburst, but I didn’t care. I’d never felt so alone and miserable in all my life. I just cried and cried. Mr. Ishikawa gathered me into his lap, against his suit, held me, his big hand clutching the back of my head, until I’d wetted his suit with my tears. Finally, my crying began to subside and I was left just hiccupping. He made soft, soothing noises until I just sagged bonelessly against him.
“ Oh, Felix…” he said in reprimand. “You’re a very silly girl, do you know that?”
I sat back and looked up at him, used his handkerchief to wipe the unladylike snot running from my nose. “Y-you’re not angry?”
He slid his hand around my waist as he held me against him more tightly. “I’m angry you left the city without telling me. I’m angry you kept this from me. So yes, I am angry. But, my dear, I don’t hate you. Dear god, how could you believe I could hate our child? I don’t even know our child yet.” He smoothed my hair away from my tearstained face. He looked at me so fiercely I felt my heart beating fast again. “Come back to the limo with me, where it’s more private. We can discuss what we’re going to do there.”
I got up and let him lead me back to the car. Once we were inside, he grabbed me by the cheeks and dragged me against him. He kissed me like he wanted to crawl inside of me. He raked his fingers through my hair, holding me in place so he could tangle his tongue with mine. Finally, his hands dropped to my dress and he lifted the hem and undid himself so I could feel his heat and strength against the front of me. He held me still and rocked his hips in a smooth up and down motion, still kissing me, teasing over my opening until I moaned into his mouth.
“ Is it safe?” he whispered against my lips. “Felix…I can’t hurt the baby?”
“ No,” I told him, smiling softly against his kiss. “You can’t, Alex. Not now. It’s still too small.”
His eyes burned with desire. He lifted me and let me plunge down upon me. He held me tightly in his embrace as he moved inside me, filled me.
I moved with him, my kisses all along his face as I felt my heart fill with love and light. “Do you want the baby? Really want the baby?”
His arms tightened around me. “Christ, Felix, I want you. I want the baby. I want both of you.”
We lunged together and came together. He filled me and I settled down upon him with a sigh. I’d
I was shaking and on the verge of tears when I finished. I waited, my heart thudding heavily, waited for him to shout at me, or to get up and leave, but after a long pause during which I could hear the harbor patrol passing and some buoys ringing, he said, “Felix…why on earth would you think I would force you to get an abortion?”
I sucked back the tears in my throat and looked askance at him. He sat there like he sat everywhere, dominating the space around him. There was insult and annoyance etched on his face. “I know you hate children. I know you don’t want to hear about any of this and you hate me.”
He frowned. “I don’t know how I feel about children, frankly. I’ve never had any, but you’re making an awful big assumption about me, Felix, and it’s making me very angry.”
I wiped at the tears on my face with the back of my hand. I wished I’d brought a handkerchief.
He sighed, withdrew one from his suit pocket, and took my face in his hand so he could wipe away my tears. “You ran away without a word because you thought I would hate you? Hate our child? That I would throw you, pregnant, into the street? Or force you to abort it? Felix, what is the matter with you?”
I started to cry then, in full. The sobs just poured out of me. “It was an accident…and this arrangement we have…I know it’s not real…I know I’m not your real courtesan…not your responsibility…”
People were looking our way, alerted to my outburst, but I didn’t care. I’d never felt so alone and miserable in all my life. I just cried and cried. Mr. Ishikawa gathered me into his lap, against his suit, held me, his big hand clutching the back of my head, until I’d wetted his suit with my tears. Finally, my crying began to subside and I was left just hiccupping. He made soft, soothing noises until I just sagged bonelessly against him.
“ Oh, Felix…” he said in reprimand. “You’re a very silly girl, do you know that?”
I sat back and looked up at him, used his handkerchief to wipe the unladylike snot running from my nose. “Y-you’re not angry?”
He slid his hand around my waist as he held me against him more tightly. “I’m angry you left the city without telling me. I’m angry you kept this from me. So yes, I am angry. But, my dear, I don’t hate you. Dear god, how could you believe I could hate our child? I don’t even know our child yet.” He smoothed my hair away from my tearstained face. He looked at me so fiercely I felt my heart beating fast again. “Come back to the limo with me, where it’s more private. We can discuss what we’re going to do there.”
I got up and let him lead me back to the car. Once we were inside, he grabbed me by the cheeks and dragged me against him. He kissed me like he wanted to crawl inside of me. He raked his fingers through my hair, holding me in place so he could tangle his tongue with mine. Finally, his hands dropped to my dress and he lifted the hem and undid himself so I could feel his heat and strength against the front of me. He held me still and rocked his hips in a smooth up and down motion, still kissing me, teasing over my opening until I moaned into his mouth.
“ Is it safe?” he whispered against my lips. “Felix…I can’t hurt the baby?”
“ No,” I told him, smiling softly against his kiss. “You can’t, Alex. Not now. It’s still too small.”
His eyes burned with desire. He lifted me and let me plunge down upon me. He held me tightly in his embrace as he moved inside me, filled me.
I moved with him, my kisses all along his face as I felt my heart fill with love and light. “Do you want the baby? Really want the baby?”
His arms tightened around me. “Christ, Felix, I want you. I want the baby. I want both of you.”
We lunged together and came together. He filled me and I settled down upon him with a sigh. I’d
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